Something I must remember

"Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."--Erica Jong
There was a time when we didn't believe we had any talents. We couldn't imagine we had any purpose or any gift to give to the world. But it's true: We all have talents, many of them. If we each haven't yet discovered ours, we soon will. With time and the Steps and friends, we will be encouraged to recognize them, to celebrate them, to cultivate them, to dare to give the away.
Utilizing our talents fully, which is part of life's bigger plan, may lead us to new jobs, new friends, to places presently unknown. The prospect of new horizons may excite us. It may also elicit dread. We can trust that, just as we are given no problems too big to handle, we are given no talents too great to develop. The strength to move ahead will always be available if we have faith. And the progress offers us faith.
I will look for my talents today. I will also look for talents in my friends. I can celebrate them, and soon the way to use them will become clear.

Happy Day after Christmas

This is a note I sent to my support group this morning.

Today is a new day. And isn't it wonderful? God has blessed us all with a brand new day of opportunity.
We could wake up and say... "another sh*tty day in paradise" or we can say, "I'm alive and I'm working to get to know myself better and overcome the obstacles in my lifeand I'm happy to have that opportunity."
I choose to say the latter.
For those of you who had a grand day yesterday. I'm glad. I join you. We had a group of about 40 people from non-Christian faiths over for a traditional Christmas meal. We celebrated all the traditions -- eating too much, opening gifts, and enjoying one another's company. Today I have the "wonderful opportunity" to clean up. LOL
For those of you who had a bad day, a hard day, I can empathize. I was the lone Christian in a room of 40 chattering people, my family is 600 miles away, and they wouldn't have really gotten together anyway. My dear mother has been dead for 12 years now, her mother, my dear grandmother dead for 13. I miss their presence in my life and I miss the congruity they brought to our family -- a congruity that is now gone. I feel only individual closeness with individual members of my family. And with some, I offer only obligatory love. With myself, I'm still working on becoming comfortable.
Yet, today is a new day. It will likely present its challenges to all of us. It's amazing the little ways this addiction likes to creep into our minds. But today will also present us with opportunities for growth. I choose to focus on those ... just for today.

A suggestion

Someone on one of the list servs I belong to said a therapist had asked her to write a letter to herself from God. This seems like such a good challenge. I think it is one I'll undertake.

Not counting days anymore

2004 is almost over. Wow! What a year. I can't believe all that has transpired and how my life has changed. I guess we read a lot about how people go from top successes to beggars on the street. I certainly have learned that addiction can kill a person and rob them of everything good in their lives. I am one of the lucky ones who recognized it right away and was not afraid to say, "I need help."

I took a step yesterday toward further healing after feeling for some time that I've just be sort of floating. I asked someone to be my "temporary" sponsor in the SLAA program. He agreed and I think this will be good. I know I will have to look for a permanent sponsor, but for now, I can at least know that I have someone to depend on, and someone to whom I should rely. Even though I know that I have gotten better since I first started seeing a therapist, and then since I first started going to support group, I still always feel the sting of setbacks and want to move past all this to a state of peace and sanity. Of course, I know it's not easy and I have to be patient.

The first thing my sponsor asked me to begin working on was Step 3, which reads "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God." Well, I'm Miss Control Freak and this is a biggie. I guess even the first two steps were big too. Those are:
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

But this third one will be the challenge. For one thing I'm not doing a very good job of praying ... and if I don't talk to God, then I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to be in tune with his will for my life.

I'm still "dabbling" around more than I should. I talked to G. this morning online and didn't exactly say, "I'm never going to see you again." I didn't cross my bottom line of "making plans," but I also didn't hint that there would never be another plan. Why? What was I feeling? These are the questions I have to stop and ask myself. It feels good to flirt, to be wanted for a little while. But then I go through periods of obsessing that are far from worth it. And this is where I have trouble "letting go" -- is God really going to let me keep doing this to myself? Doesn't he want me to make some effort to try and control my actions? I feel responsible for my own actions. God has supplied me with the knowledge I need to make wiser choices ... then I don't use that knowledge. I just get sucked in by the addiction. This seems like such a cop out.

Farewell to a potential lover

This is an e-mail to a man I've never met, but have exchanged e-mails with. The letter I wrote to a man that I was starting my third trainwreck bound relationship with was much worse. The only thing I think I lied about here was when I said that not getting to see each other would have been a great source of tension. The truth is, if we didn't get to see each other often, I'd surely be fucking someone else as well. That's the addiction and how it works. Ugly, but true.

---
I've been waiting for a time in my "busy" schedule so that I could sit down and write you a long letter, addressing all the things you've shared with me and how they've resonated with me, or how I've been interested in them. But, that time has not come yet. I know that you are patient, and I don't have to rush ... but there's another reason I felt it was important to write to you today rather than wait forever for my schedule to clear. Honesty.
I have not been dishonest up to this point ... don't worry. I am a woman, and I do have two legs and 10 fingers and toes and I am married. However, during the time that we have started our conversation with one another, some things have changed in my life, some realizations have come. I want to be honest with you about those.
I started looking for a lover in early 2004 because I felt a void of intimacy and connectedness at home with my husband. I thought I was really reaching out to fill that void with a no-strings attached relationship. Over the course of the time, as I did look, I had brief 'relationships' with two men, and met a few others. Both relationships were extremely painful, because my psyche somehow could not feel a long-term sexual attraction with a man, without the idea that there was some fundamental "caring" underneath. With the first guy, I simply allowed myself to care too much and with the second guy I believed a bunch of bullshit about how much he cared and how committed he was to me and to what we were pursuing together, only to learn that he had at least two other women (that I knew of) being played at the same time. The worst hurt of that was that I felt like such a fool.
That second relationship ended not long before you and I started talking and I think I "jumped" right out there to start looking for someone else to "medicate" the pain of that broken relationship and moreso my broken heart and spirit. As I've taken time to evaluate and question myself, however, I have come to the further realization that neither of these men, nor any of the men who made me feel wanted for a few hours, has filled any void in my life. They have only served to create greater voids, rip apart my self-esteem and forced me to look myself in the mirror and ask "Why are you doing this?" The answer comes back ... escape ... time and time again.
I am not ever going to solve a problem by running away from it. I am not going to relieve the hurt and loneliness in my marriage by running away from it. I'm only going to create a new hurt, and a new secret, and a further distance. I could go deeper than this, but I'll spare you that.
So, all this said. I am sorry that I didn't put my shit together before I even started talking to you. Frankly I don't know that our timing would have ever allowed us to see each other, and if things progressed that could have become a source of great tension between us. But, that aside, I came into the conversation, emotionally unprepared to start it. For that, I am sorry.
What does all this mean? I guess it means that I feel better being completely honest and telling you that I am not planning to continue to pursue an extramarital affair, but rather try to either deal with the problems in my marriage or excuse myself from it and start all over. I am nowhere near close to making that decision. I have to become emotionally prepared and grounded before we get there. BUT, I have immensely enjoyed (although I haven't done much contributing of late) our exchange of thoughts. If you are willing, I'd like to remain friends, open to discussing any and all things. If you are pissed and feel that I've allowed you to waste your time, I am very sorry and don't blame you in the least. And we part with me saying, it truly has been great having these exchanges with you.
Those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to yell.

Day 7

As I count the days that I'm not chatting with men, making plans for trysts ... I realize that my sobriety is far from near. This morning I wrote to G. because I just had to explain WHY I stopped seeing him. I continue to check messages on Messenger, hoping for something. Even today I sent a "How are you?" message to someone I had a fling with -- rationalizing to myself that I really just wanted to know he was OK. That it was all about friendships. I'm checking my e-mail incessantly, I'm wrapped up in my thoughts. In my obsession, I continue to open doors.

One of the people on the SLAA list serv wrote today: "I know how it is when you feel lost and not know what to do next....feeling little and mainly drifting in the mind. This is also a form of acting out, or actually acting "in" since we escape being present by getting stuck in our own heads with obsessive thinking." I identified with this so much. Feeling lost, numb, unsure of where to go.

Listening to 70s and 80s music today. That's been nice. Boss is driving me insane, I think that's one of my biggest problems. He infuriates me and I let him. We are like one huge dysfunctional family in this office. I feel so negative. I want to laugh.

Feeling good

I'm not feeling good in my addiction ... struggling like hell, trying to make Day 6 completely sober. But I'm feeling good blogging again.

Maybe one day I'll write about something more interesting than my stinking addiction.

Thanks to Kim and Gus for your comments.

Still struggling

It's been almost two months since I've written here. For five days I have been "sober" from chatting online with men who might be potential sex partners. I am in therapy still and have started within the last month going to SLAA (sex and love addicts anon) meetings. The meetings have been helpful, as have been the online support groups.

But tonight I sit here ... uncertain what to do. I live my life with my head inside this addiction. There are a million things to do, but I can't seem to find one of them satisfactory.

I'm faced with two dilemmas. One is that after I've declared myself sober, I have an e-mail (not a chat message) from someone who is asking if I'd be interested in a fmf adventure. The addict in me says, "Hell yeah!" The recovering addict in me says run like the wind, you don't owe him anything. The second dilemma is that there is a small part of me that wants to call G., the guy who is the lover I picked up half-heartedly after things went to hell with J. Yeah, big surprise that that happened, huh?

I can't help but wonder what J. is thinking. I just suddenly stopped typing to him last week. I sent one message on Thursday morning and haven't written a word to him since. He's out of my life .... but I'll not say for good, because I don't feel that strong yet. I feel guilty about G. and think I should call him and see him and explain. It's worthless, I know.

That's enough for now.

Releasing the sanity

I don't write or read much anymore ... but I know that I need to, because I see myself being trapped by my own insanity. I wake up in the morning with obsessive thoughts of what's going wrong, what's going right. I can't quite get a handle on them. But if I simply do something to take my mind away from it for awhile, I feel calm, in control.

I woke up this morning and couldn't quit thinking of J. and what might be going on with him, how I'm going to handle it if he tells me that he needs a break or worse, that he's done with me. He's been a form of sanity for me for about five months now. NP asked me once, "If he's gone, will you have to replace him?" God I hope not. I want this cycle to end. But I also want him in my life. I obsess over the thought that he might not be there, that he may grow tired, bored, and be ready to move on. Or maybe that I will overwhelm him with my intensity.

Anyway, the point was that I woke up with those thoughts and thought I'd get up and blog them out. But I started reading the NY Times online and then even posted something to my social commentary site. I thought about other things, broader things, things outside this fucked up world that goes on inside my head. I have to find life outside my head.

Saturday morning thinking

I continue to try to convince myself I am no longer an addict of the Internet, of sexual chat -- that I am simply a woman living a promiscous life and exploring her sexuality, finding refuge from her marriage, which she's not sure is lastable.

But as I just read over some very thoughtful commentary I wrote about a year ago ... I know that my mind continues to be overwhelmed with thoughts of the Internet, my chat partners, my sex partner. I see one step continuing to lead to another. (Even as I just typed, I signed on to my messenger service to make sure none of my contacts were on.) Yesterday I participated with J. in our first foursome. There is already a plan for a possible orgy.

Of course, I have no idea how J. feels about the experience because we didn't get a chance to talk and it's driving me crazy.

Writing here

I am tempted to write a note to J. ... but I'll write here to save him the burden.

I feel another of my spells coming on ... not exactly one of those spells where I sign off the Internet and tell him I'm walking away forever. But one almost equally as desparate. I have allowed myself to get close to him, and as he and I have begun to look for couples together it has again exacerbated my addiction to the Internet. When I'm not talking to him, I'm searching for new people for him and I to talk to. I told him on Friday that due to work pressure I needed to take a break ... he said he understood. But underneath it all I know that I feel desparate... that I will lose him and that if I lose him ... I'll lose control again. Already I have cheated on him ... as recently as yesterday morning. I worry that he is cheating on me too ... but what can I blame him. I just wish we could be honest. But we can't. Because he can't control his jealousy. He wants me to be his and his alone. But at the same time he doesn't trust me. I already have a husband who doesn't trust me. But then I look at myself and think why would anyone trust me... I don't even trust myself.

That's enough for now. I just needed to vent. I wonder when the lies will end. I wonder when my relationship with J. will end. Why it will end? How it will end? My relationship with E. just ended ... no goodbye, no nothing. Just over. And, it never meant anything to him to begin with. I want to matter to someone. I know, I know ... I need to matter to myself.

Sometimes I say in my head ... "I love you." I have no idea who I'm saying it to ... or who I'm wishing were saying it to me. I know that I just wish the words were being said. Maybe I am a love addict.

I need to take a shower.

After a long time

I'm posting something here after a month ... it seems like after a year. I still struggle every day and some days I just want to scream, as I cannot seem to rid my need for Internet chat and the men I meet here. I had at least narrowed it down to one person ... then E. shows up again, asking if we can help each other with our addiction. Oh yeah, he's really interested in me helping him with that. But who can blame him. I have to learn to ask for what I want... not give in to what someone else wants.

That's enough.

Parallel Lives

There's something I am thinking, but I don't think I'll be able to think it all the way through, unless I write.

In his book, "My Life," former President Clinton writes about how living "parallel lives" has affected him. As a child, he was the son of an abusive stepfather, even saw a bullet being shot at him and his mother.  His stepfather drank too much and was not nice to him or his mother when he did. Still, the young boy Clinton, continued to go to school with a smile on his face, hiding this private torture, which is far more extensive than I’ve described it here, from his friends and community.  He felt less of a person because of that part of his life, so he didn’t choose to make it a part of his “public” life.  As time passed on, the world came to know about the parallel life he lived as an adult, as a womanizer and adulterer, most admittedly with Monica Lewinsky. But it wasn’t until the world came to know his secret that he admitted to himself, through intense counseling sessions, that he had chosen to live these parallel lives as an escape mechanism. It was the tool he learned to use.

As I heard him read his book via audiobook, and heard what he had to say, I knew that what afflicted such an amazing politician and charismatic person was the same thing that afflicts me.  I know that I am working toward “fixing” those problems … but I feel far from overcoming them. As a child I was sexually abused, my father drank, we were poor, I wore yard sale clothes, I hid all of this from the kids at school, and became an academic achiever, later going to college, hiding there behind hot checks and credit problems. I carried that into my adult life where I developed my addiction to the Internet and to sex first in 1995. Somehow after I got married, I was able to live what seems like in hindsight a fairly normal life, but I’m supposing that I somehow lived a parallel life at that time too. I’ve certainly held on to BV all these years and think I always will. Or maybe I’m afraid that by getting better, I’ll have to admit to myself that I have to let him go. He has been my promise of true love all these years … an untouchable one, but there and a very real feeling inside me.  Someone to excite me, and to love me and hold me close, if only in his heart, when I needed to be held. At times, I’ve felt he was my survival tool.  Him, this man I’ve never met, never touched, but loved in a way that is very real. And now again, my addictions have returned, covering the feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, isolation, loneliness. I’m not dealing with those things – why should I, I can live another life?

Even one of the members of the Internet addiction support group I belong to online asked that question … is it possible that you’ve always kept a secret life and you think that you have to continue to do that?

And as I look at everything I have just written I see parts of it that I can tell to some people, but realize that there is nothing that I will ever feel comfortable telling to all people. I am afraid of rejection, afraid I will be left with nothing and no one, in shame and complete disgrace.

As I go through counseling and read what I have read on co-dependence and self-esteem issues. I know that the first person who has to accept that this is who I am, is me. For my life to come together, I have to be willing to see all of that, and know it is me, and find a way to love the person that is hidden underneath all that.  It sounds like a far away dream … like, “Oh yeah, right! As if I’ll ever reconcile all this in a lifetime.” Yet, it feels obtainable too.

Sort of a weird aspect to all this is that as I feel myself beginning to feel, I feel less and less inclined to write here, in this blog of “Rae’s Confessions.” In my “real” life,  I am not Rae, and I have nothing to confess. In my “secret” life, I am willing to tell the world about the men whom I have met through the Internet and just what I have done with them. I’m not willing to share with that same audience the person who is healing and becoming stronger, even if not as quickly as she’d like. She’ll come back and write notes to her past lovers, but never one to herself, her whole self.

I wonder if Rae and I will ever meet?

 

A note

If I were writing a note to E. today -- which I am not, because I have to not do that -- it would say:

Dear E.,

I am longing for you today, for a conversation with you, to know how you are doing, for a taste of the sweet nectar that you provide (and not the kind you're thinking about either).  That nectar of feeling connected, of being understood, of being wanted. I don't know why today. I don't know why any day. I keep thinking I'll stop looking for the e-mail, stop hoping for the call. But every day, the longing is still there. I don't know if it's about you or about me ... all I know is it's too real and that as we've said a million times, I've only added to the problem that I set out to fix. I feel sick and lost and unable to pull myself together. I know you don't feel the same. You are most likely glad to be rid of me. I doubt that you've given up your Internet addiction. I'm guessing that you are chatting every day. I hope not as much as me, or not as much as before. But I know from personal experience how hard it is to break free. I haven't broken free either. The only problem is, I left part of my heart with you.  You asked me not to give it, but then took it, and now I can't get it back. I think I'd rather hate you than this. But I don't ... and that leaves me here ... in pergatory. I should have known better. But I didn't. That's the story of life, right?

 

Hump Day

You know it's a bad day when you wake up with the Wheel of Fortune commercial running through your head. "I'm a wheel watcher, you're a wheel watcher, be a wheel watcher." What the hell is that about?

Breakthroughs and struggles

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. I'd like to say that it's because life is normal and I don't feel the need to "flush" feelings all the time. Life is a lot more normal than it has been in the past, but it still has its struggles.
I had a good (but grueling) session with NP last night and really walked through some core problems at the root of what has caused me to reach this point of addiciton and victimization. Or, I should say, we talked about some of my underlying problems, but are still trying to figure out how the hell I got to here. I worked my ass off, put myself through college, became successful in my career, and then all of a sudden, here I am. Or maybe ... gradually here I am. I'm not sure.
E. is pretty much out of the picture. I got an e-mail from him last Friday asking how he could return the book. I wrote back that he could keep it ... and that's the end. Nothing more. I think there was more emotional attachment there than I'll ever let myself believe. I miss him every day and watch for another letter. Somehow, some way some time I have to just let go.  I don't know if it's emotional attachment or just habit -- like a drunk letting go of whiskey. But, I've got a vodka that I've been sipping on with J. We talk daily (during the week) online. On Sunday, I went to G.'s house ... why? I have no idea. We shared oral favors and talked about sexual escapades and feelings about Internet addiction ... but why ... just because it was there, and I had said I'd think about it, which then caused me an "obligation" to do it. I went to the grocery store afterward and bought two bags of M&Ms, Lucky Charms and Oreos. Thank God I didn't eat all that. I have no idea what causes any of this. But I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
 

The Way It Feels

So, it's Wednesday morning. I eliminated my Yahoo account yesterday and I feel a bit lost today. Thank goodness I have a bunch of meetings scheduled for today. But still, I had a bit of time between meeting and I came to a public computer area and am checking every e-mail I have in hopes of finding a message from someone I know. Not just someone, either J. or E.
J. wrote me a long letter yesterday saying he was pissed at me for not giving him a chance to say goodbye. And in a bizarre twist S. called me three times yesterday. I never answered once. I'm not going to answer. I wrote J. back and I'm sure he's going to read it as I'm still saying goodbye. I guess I should say I don't care. But I do. I think he probably doesn't know what to think. I haven't heard from him yet. But he often doesn't sign on until about this time anyway.
This morning, I told my husband I had a rough day yesterday and that I was online too much and he got mad and said we should just get rid of the Internet at home. I ended up writing him a note and trying to explain that I have to learn to be responsible for me and for my decisions. That him taking the Internet out won't do the trick.
The problem is that I'm not feeling that committment to focus my attention elsewhere. I did spend a lot of time last night at Barnes and Noble and bought a few new books that relate to my issue. I'm going to try to devote my time to reading, exercise and doing projects that need to be done at home. One of the things I have to do is come up with a list of projects that have to be done at home. But I HAVE to spend some time and attention with my work and I don't see that happening much.
I called NP yesterday and set up another appointment with her for tomorrow night. I just felt like I probably need to see her again this week. I need to get some feedback from her, hear from her about what happens in this "in between" stage.

I did it

Well, it's done. I'm pulling my insides out, but I've eliminated my Yahoo account. I'm not going back. No matter what. I am going to lose my job and my life if I don't get this under control. I don't feel strong at all, but I've got to do this. My life is simply out of control!

Turmoil

I simply cannot walk away from the computer today. I stayed at home to work on some writing. I got up at 5 a.m. I have been at the computer pretty much since then.

I took almost an hour and a half writing a letter to BV, catching him up on all that was happening in my life, including what has happened with E. He was incredibly helpful. Although he truly is just someone I met on the Internet nine years ago, I love him dearly and the history and friendship we share is very real. I know he is someone I can trust. He really wrote me back a nice note and gave me encouragement.

I didn't tell him about the internet addiction, because he only really knows about E. and not even that I met him on the Internet. I know I could tell him the whole thing.. but I'm just not ready. I've told my husband I think that's enough.

Now, I just have to tell myself, you're going to lose your job if you don't get yourself focused.

After I wrote to BV, I spend forever talking to J. On a good note, I did tell him I was struggling and that I may need to say goodbye. I made it clear that saying goodbye was in no way a reflection on him, but it was about me. I feel stronger having done that. I think that if I try, I can say goodbye this week and maybe start focusing on some other things.

I think there's a big part of me that is anxious and worried about E. That's probably the hardest part I'm going through. Despite it all, I care about him, but more than that, I know how hard it is to go through what he's going through and I wish (in my codependent status) that we could be there for each other.

I see one of my former employees this evening. That should be good. But I still haven't done a damn thing to meet these deadlines. I'm going to go do as much as I possibly can right now.

Stuck

Instead of feeling free... I somehow feel stuck in this land of worry over E. and how he's doing. I've got to get busy, to deal with my own problems. I hate feeling so f'ing helpless and hopeless. I haven't eaten lunch and I haven't started on what I need to start on.

A breakthrough like no other

Rae,

Although I very much enjoyed today. one of your comments hit home especially after reading some of the stories below. You stated that you broke one of your rules in going to someones home. That also has been one of my rules. A hard rule. However when I read belows: " When our minds are occupied with too much wreckage of the past, too many problems and complexities and out of control passions then there is little room left in it for reasoning. This is why addicts make poor decisions a lot
of the time. Addicts blind themselves with their addiction and out of balance life." It made me realize that I am out of control just as you felt you were a week or two ago. We both need to break this pattern before both our lives and the lives of many others are in ruin..

I have been thinking about just how much I have and have to loose and that I know that what I am doing is not going to cure anything. and actually adds to my problems. For this reason you will hopefully not see me online for a while. I am going to take your approach and try to break free and concentrate on my much neglacted work of running two business. If I am successful it may be a few days to a week until I e-mail you. I trust that you will understand what and why I am doing this since it is the same reason that you needed to break this cycle of internet chat and incessant thoughts of sex.

Wish me the best in staying clear of the internet.

E.

My response:

E.,

I'm both sorry and glad that you are feeling the absolute rock bottom feelings I was feeling a short time back. Sorry because I know how horrible and sickening those feelings are, and glad because it's the place you needed to come ... for you and for me. We have been enablers for each others addictions/obsessions.

There's a lot more to write, but I think it's best, if I let you be. You have to come to your own peace and find your own way. Just like I have to.

If you need a friend, someone who understands, and you think I can be that friend without causing you more harm, then call me. I will listen. I am not encouraging you to do that and I don't expect you to. I am simply letting you know I am willing to listen if you just feel that you need to express your feelings out loud. I am telling you clearly now, though, that I will never, ever hurt you or me the way we have hurt each other and ourselves thus far. I know you know what that means.

And one parting piece of advice if you're open to it. When I made my decision two weeks ago and before that two months ago to walk away, I felt this obligation to say "goodbye" to those I had chatted with. It was the wrong thing to do. Breaking free means breaking free, and I know that if you put your mind to it you can do it.

Best of luck, my friend. Stay strong.

Rae

A July 6 post

Below is a note I wrote for the blog on July 6, which never got posted. I'm posting it now after a two-hour "session" at E.'s house. I told myself before I ever got into this "game" that I'd never go into another woman's home to have relations with her husband. I guess doing so today goes along with the whole idea of addiction, you just go further and further ... hoping to get a new high, hoping it will take you to the next level.
As a side note, E.'s house is absolutely incredible. An amazing place. And I think what else could u possibly want? He's a successful businessman, has a gorgeous home, a wife who clearly knows how to keep things in order (even if she doesn't know how to keep him satisfied), two great kids, a nice dog, some apparently amazingly fun friends, yet it's still not enough. His are not my problems to fix ... although we keep drawing one another into each other's needs. I yelled at him this morning because I had a shitty birthday last night and was looking forward to spending some time with him today, knowing his wife would be away and when he started hemming and hawing about the time we would get together, I told him "I was not in the mood to be disappointed today." He gave in, and gave me two hours of his time ... probably the most "in person" time he's ever given me in the six months we've been seeing each other.

Here's the note I wrote last Tuesday:
It occurs to me that one of the reasons I am "backsliding" so to speak, is because I am not working on the things I have discussed with NP. I am not reading properly and am not working hard enough on focusing on the things that need to be fixed. Instead I am letting my mind lead me, not reading what others (who had a clear mind at the time) have deduced about issues such as self-esteem and co-dependency. In fact, I'm too busy diagnosing everyone else as co-dependent so I don't have to be alone.

Woke up with a cold this morning, courtesy of E. How's that for bringing home your sins? I'm lucky it's just that.

As for the cold, both my husband and I became extremely sick after this. I just can't believe how unreal this is at times.

Just in case you're wondering

For anyone who might be a regular reader ... and who kindly checks back to see my current stage of psychosis ... I'm still around. I've just been very busy at work, and not much in the writing mode. I'm doing OK though ... not good, but OK. Even in the midst of one of my busiest weeks at work in a long time, and now trying to catch up, I still find myself drawn to the computer and still meeting J. and E. whenever I could. Again, I think my "healing" has stalled. I want

Repost of a letter to E.

First, and foremost, let me say thank you for a very nice "treat" this afternoon. It was truly a nice diversion from the day and incredibly good to see you.

Second, let me say that you must surely think that I am absolutely inarticulate. When we are together face to face, it never seems like I can string two sentences together, much less provide the answers to your questions. I'm sorry about that. It's not that I'm not articulate or that I don't have a million thoughts running through my head. It truly is almost like you have a spell over me. When you are near, I just want to touch you and kiss you and say everything that needs to be said without the words that just don't come out until we chat again or I send an e-mail. It's hard to explain or even understand for me. I think I also often feel rushed, (although today felt nicely unrushed, thank you.) which causes me some difficulty in saying what's on my mind.

Then thirdly, I wanted to say that today as I was driving to your office, I was literally cursing you, so mad at you for convincing me to come there -- yelling at you in my head, "This has nothing to do with me, it's all about you and your control and your pleasure! I know you're a better person than to do this to me -- knowing that I'm weak and that I can be used." Then I started yelling at myself, "Why are you allowing this to happen? You can't blame him. You are the one who doesn't have the inner strength to say no." Yet, the moment you drove up and I heard your voice and felt your hug, I was so glad I was there, so glad I had said yes, so aware of why I say yes again and again. There was nothing but amazing feelings inside me. And as we went inside and kissed, then embraced, and you began to have your way with me and I began to have my way with you ... it was just all completely right. Not love, not usery, not control, none of them, but all three. I hope some of that makes sense to you.

There are times that I don't trust you any further than I can throw an elephant, and times I trust you so completely I could never imagine even a reason for distrust. One is a sign of strength, the other of weakness, and often I feel them in the exact same heart, simultaneously. And in it all, as my emotions rage ... you hold me at arm's distance, but within arm's reach, ready to act at your own whim. Knowing that you know you are in control brings me both furious anger, and a strange sense of pleasure, that I can submit and make you happy, or say the wrong word and be cut off until you decide I am worthy, never able to simply tell myself "You're worthy of any goddamn thing you want." I hate the game, but come back again and again to play.

What is it that makes it so?

Sunday morning thoughts and actions

I just did something amazing, and really not for the reason it feels amazing. I uninstalled Yahoo Messenger from my home computer. It was so quick, so easy. Just like that ... it's gone. And suddenly after doing it, I'm thinking ... Wow, it's gone. I uninstalled it because my computer keeps getting viruses and I know that they are coming through Mssgr. I had tried various ways of cleaning those, but it hadn't worked, so I guessed that the program itself was corrupt (imagine that). So, I uninstalled it with the idea, that I'd just immediately reinstall. But you know what ... I don't think I will. There's a siren calling to me saying, "do it, do it, what are you going to do if you can't chat at home? You won't be able to talk to J. It won't help you at work where you really probably need to uninstall. What if you have messages waiting there?" That is the call that is the loudest. I want to write that I'm not going to re-install it. I want to believe that I can turn off those voices. I want to say, You can do anything you damn well please. But I don't know that I'll live up to a promise to stay away. I haven't proven myself effective there. That doesn't mean I can't go on to prove that I am strong, but the withdrawal will start again. I'm impossible to live with as it is. My husband is ready to throw me out the window I'm so grumpy and bitchy.

I originally sat down here to say I feel my "recovery" moving in a different direction. In many ways, I think I have nipped the desire to talk to dozens of different men all the time, and the desire to look for new chat partners in the bud. It's not that there aren't temptations now and then, but I seem in control of them. I still don't feel in complete control of my mind though. I want to talk to J. or E. a lot of the time, and sort of "wait" for a message from them, or initiate messages with them. I know they are there and I want to talk to them. It's still an uncontrolled mind. Interestingly, I've even given up on M. (and just spent the past three minutes writing an e-mail to him in my head, asking "why and how did you give it up?")

But another part of the way my mindset is shifting is that I feel myself really falling into a relationship with J. That begins to focus on a whole different part of me. Not the addiction, but the problems in my marriage that would make me willing and interested to take this beyond casual sex to a relationship that matters with a person that matters. E. has always kept me at arm's length, thus there's never been an opportunity for what could possibly be called a relationship. (I'm posting a letter I wrote to him after an encounter this week in a separate post.) With him, it's that I've hated what he brings out in me and loved what he has stirred in me, and the co-dependency is not allowing me to simply leave him. With J. he holds me so close to him, I never want to let go.

Well, my husband just walked in and sort of broke my thoughts. So, I guess I'll end here.

Gaining ground

The little frustration and anger I felt yesterday regarding E. seems so insignificant in light of the unbelievable feelings I have today after spending two hours with J. Yes, there was some sex involved, but it was only a small part of all we shared. And I'm finally beginning to realize that I can matter to someone, not just because I give them a blow job, but because they feel good being with me, all of me. With J. today the conversation was so open and honest in a million different directions. The kisses were heartfelt, the sex passionate and erotic. I realize there is some "unhealthiness" in having this kind of extramarital relationship, but this kind of relationship makes me realize how worthless a relationship with a true user like E. is.

Why?

Why do I keep doing this to myself and think I'll get any different result? It's so freaking ridiculous. I make a plan to meet E. after work and he cancels, then won't answer his cell after telling me to call. It's the usual BS behavior. But somehow I allow myself to get excited and anticipate and wonder how it will work. If we truly will just be able to talk, knowing that that's not what I want to happen.

Thursday morning

I hate stupid computer viruses that you have to fight alll the time. It's impossible to keep up with them. Every day I keep getting the same viurses over and over and God knows what they are doing to my machine.

Anyway, it's Thursday. E. is returning today. So, it should be interesting to see how that works. Of course, he's surely going to be busy with work, so I doubt that we'll talk.But still it is so weird how much I have missed talking to him and how much I am anticipating talking to him again. I even have to go out near his office today at the end of the day and I'm dressing withthethoughts that I might get to see him in mind.

It's amazing how I anticipate nothing related to workd in the way that I anticpate going online and talking to some of these peopel. I think M. is totally out of the picture, by the way. He never comes online any more. I hope he's found something else to do with his time that is more fruitful.

I had an awesome conversation with my friend NW last night. She called late, but it was good, because my husband went to bed and then I felt free to talk with her about everything. I revealed some stuff to her for the first time, and it's funny because if I think about it, she's probably the first person who taught me that it's OK to talk about about some of those things.

the non update

Not much to update lately. Talking to J. lately, probably too much. E. comes back on Thursday and I know that I won't have closed down messenger. Will have to see how that works.

Moving forward and backward

I was all ready to tell NP that the only obstacle I had to face in my Internet addiction was basically to get rid of E.
But, today J. resurfaced in a major way. He said he cannot stop thinking of me and he wants me to be a part of his life in a way no other person has provoked him. I told NP that it's not about what he wants, it's about what I want. I don't know... seems like for every step forward there are two steps back.

A day of it

By 7 p.m., the picnic was over, my husband is in bed after having vomitted three times and today I flushed my keys -- yes, all of them, including my electronic entry device -- down the toilet at the park.
Yet, I still feel good. Feel good that in spite of it all, I had a good day with friends and enjoyed the feeling of being with them, feeding them and seeing them enjoy one another -- many after many, many years.
Don't know exactly how I'll have to deal with all the issues related to the keys -- but I guess I'll have to figure that out on Monday. As for now, I'm trying to figure out when and where the wedding is that I'm supposed to go to tomorrow and just remembered that I have tickets to the state beauty pageant for tonight --- please, save me. Thank goodness they no one is really expecting us.
Because my husband went to bed early, I went online of course, even contacted a new person, but found him disgusting and signed off. I found it to be a good sign. I was really just looking for someone to talk to, not to assist with his masturbation.

Feeling

I have just completed a long e-mail and don't really feel like writing much, but wanted to take note of the fact that I can feel myself starting to feel again.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a kidney infection, and in the meantime told him I'd like to be tested for HIV, just to be cautious. Of course, he wanted to know the context. And I felt so ashamed as I relayed only the scattered and sparse detail that I had engaged in some risky behaviour. I made it seem like it was once, but still I felt horribly shamed. One reason I think is that this guy also treats my husband.

And, speaking of my husband -- last night for the first time in more than a week, we had a sexual encounter. And as I was giving him oral pleasure ... I don't feel comfortable sharing these details about my "real" sex life, weird I know ... I thought of all the men (not as individuals, but as a group) that I had done the same thing to, and felt strange... I'm not sure how to describe it. I think it was almost like I had diminished the pleasure I could give him by making this such a random act that could happen anywhere with anyone.

I dread the feelings ahead... but feel thankful to be feeling.

Excerpts from a letter to a friend

I wrote this as part of a letter to a person I've corresponded with in a support group for online addiction.

I'll say this about the men who have been with me -- they did think they were the only one or at least not one of 12. But not only that -- they have been living with their demons too. Some of it's loneliness -- and like me, the lonely wife (who by the way would focus on her husband if he would open up just a little or even be around, but we're working on that.), have gotten nothing but a sexual encounter from me. They don't leave any more happy than when they came.

Both E. and I are facing co-dependency issues, and are unfortunately drawn to each other because of that. He wants to control me, and I want to please him and be "worthy" of him. And as I fight this last leg of my journey to break through this addiction ... he is the trigger, he's the one that stops me from just cancelling my yahoo accounts and just going on. He's given me just enough hope that we are friends that can support one another, and just enough doubt that I can never survive on my own, that I can't break this habit. I see his trap, yet I fall right into it. Since his influence is gone for a week ... I think I'll be able to talk my way through it.

The morning

NP always wants to know what I feel rather than what I have done. Sometimes I find the answer difficult, because it sometimes seems that I feel nothing ... no emotion. Maybe I feel angry, but it's not true anger, like rage, it's more like frustration. Sometimes I feel disappointed and sad, and even once or twice, I've felt happy. (I'm talking about lately.)
This morning as I take off work to prepare for a picnic that we are hosting for friends, I feel mainly uninterested. But it just occurred to me that especially since my husband has felt disappointed that a few of his friends could not or would not make it, that my lack of interest must also be disappointing to him. I am rarely a person to be wrapped up in myself. But it's hard to be wrapped up in him when he never shares how he feels unless it is anger. In reading the material on codependency, I need to just "live and let live." Basically, whatever he feels and however he reacts is his way. Clinton in interviews about his book has said that even couples who ultimately divorce should go through counseling. I sometimes think that ultimately, after all, that my husband and I will divorce. There's just simply not enough interaction. I'm tempted to ask him to go for counseling, but the time hasn't come for that.

Adaptability

Before I write about the subject of this entry, I want to say that today I felt more "at ease" with the Internet than I have before. I can't say that I did a great job of staying away or that I didn't chat. I just didn't get out of hand and I controlled myself. I think I still have a ways to go and I think that the fact that E. is not around helps. But I felt OK today. And I did spend a little time talking with my friend BV, which I will never regret. He's an amazing man and I feel so honored to have him as part of my life.

What I was going to say about adaptability is that I always consider myself adaptable. I've counted that as a top characteristic in myself. But, as I look over things and life, I realize that I have not been adaptable. Moving to a new state, changing careers, accepting new ownership of my company, all of those things have been very, very tough on me. I have not adapted well.

I'm now reading more about codependence and am more convinced than ever that I need to work in this area more than any other.

Curious

Yesterday, by accident, I saw that my profile had been viewed 96 times. I have gotten kind and supportive e-mails from a couple of folks, so I know that there are a couple of people who read my thoughts regularly. I'm curious if there are others that I have not heard from and who they are. Are they people who get turned on by my tales of reckless sex, or rather people who just got caught up in my story and wonder how it will end? I'm with the latter group.
Yesterday someone wrote and asked, "Why do you make these confessions public?" I'm not exactly sure why I do. Probably in the beginning there was some desire to "tell someone" what I had been up to, to truly confess, maybe even, as the writer suggested, to "brag." Now I think that while I truly use the blog as a journal, to record my thoughts, and thoughts that I don't want lying around my house, I'm also willing to share the ugliness of my story as a means of convincing the world that Internet Addiction Disorder is a true and serious issue that can lead to some very pathetic consequences.
I believe at the root, that my addiction is related to something else in my life, and so that's why I'm trying to work with my therapist a bit at a time to get it all out. Maybe the next meeting, she and I should discuss something other than this addiction. We'll see. If you're out there and reading quitely, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Amazing

It's amazing how one day I can say to someone ... goodbye, I'm walking away for my own good and two days later spend two hours chatting with them about my addiction to the Internet and some of my deepest, darkest secrets. I see right through him. He doesn't want to lose control, can't stand the thought of losing control of me. The sad thing is I don't think it has anything at all to do with being with me ... it has to do with not letting me go.
He told me today that he's in marriage counseling. What? How in the world is he living in such a lie. He's telling me he's online uncontrollably, just like I am ... but what is he saying in counseling. He said he's considering going for individual counseling. He's leaving for a week. That should help me see if I can get past this addiction. He certainly has been of no help, now trying to get to me by talking about my past life and how it relates to the feelings of another another woman he knows. He told me he's been with her once. I'm sure the reason he doesn't want us to talk to each other is because he's lied to both of us about the role we have in his life. Lately he's started writing me e-mails, and signing off .. "bye, my friend." OK, I'm going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he's probably just trying to get his rocks off somehow.
At least he's the only person I'm chatting with and I"m not meeting anyone.

Wednesday morning

I am not sure how I am doing. I don't know if I've somehow let E. snare me in his trap or if he really is willing to listen and share his own thoughts. Regardless, he was basically the only person I spoke to yesterday and I limited my online chat time to no more than 30 minutes the two times I chatted with him. I did exchange a couple of e-mails with him though ... so I can't say that I didn't spend more time than that online. And in the evening, I spoke with M. about 40 minutes. He acted a bit weird, or at least didn't say all the things I wanted him to say. But as I wrote to him, I know that he is the more emotionally strong of the two of us.

It's now 7:20 and I haven't even taken a shower. I've been answering e-mails and now I'm writing on the blog. It will be another day late to the office. I have to find ways to concentrate on my work today.

Withdrawal

This is seriously like having the f'ing DT's. I am so distracted by my desire to go online and talk with someone, to connect in someway with somebody, even if it's through e-mail. It's just crazy!

And of course I didn't resist my urge to talk to E. yesterday and then he starts sharing that we have the same problem, that he's also addicted to chat and chat rooms and can't pry himself away.

Saw NP last night and she said to be careful, that he may just be saying what he thinks I want to hear so I won't leave him in the dust.

Got a note from M. last night that relieved me of my decision of whether to see him today. He said it didn't feel right. I wrote him a long letter this morning and thanked him for his emotional strength. As with all things, I have wanted to hear back from him this morning, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Even if he's going online, it looks like he's hiding. In one way, he's a total chicken shit. But, I do believe that he's emotionally strong.

So, I'm trying like crazy to stay away from talking to E. This morning when I signed on I had an e-mail from him that said our chat caused him to think about a lot of things, so I signed on to hear them, but told him, I'm off by 9:30 and stuck with it. But then, of course, I signed in under invisible and checked to see if he and IM'd me back, which he did and said it's good that I stuck with my parameters and that he'd talk to me in my next round.

One question he asked me yesterday was what NP thought of what he and I were doing. It was clearly an effort to see if she was the one who was trying to cause me to stop seeing him. If I evaluate it ... he's does not want me to leave because he wants to maintain the control, the power. He's very, very good at that.

I'm trying to accomplish a few things at work today, but it's not really working. I'm so distracted. But, I'm still going to work at it. No one said it was going to be easy.

Still strong

Just a note that I am feeling stronger this afternoon. I had a good conversation, face to face with a woman who has become my friend here at work. We discussed some of the negativities that we face here, and I felt good that some of my feelings about where I am working were reaffirmed by someone else, with a like mind. I also felt good that I could have a close conversation with another person and it was not online.
I couldn't help but sneak a peak to see if E. had left me a message on the other account. He had, it just said, "Rae, are u there?" I of course was and am tempted to say "yes." But I'm not going to. I said goodbye and it has to be goodbye. He and I have become more than just passing lovers, and there are things that I learned even today that I want to share with him, but I think in order to make this stand, I have to be strong.
I don't know how seriously J. took me this morning, but I feel strong that I told him goodbye for now.
There's still this issue of whether I will see M. tomorrow or not. I like this guy as a person, and think I will go and just see how I can handle myself. Maybe that's not wise, I'm not sure. I don't feel as uncertain about it this afternoon as I did this morning.

Monday morning power

I did two of the hard things this morning. They are likely not the hardest things I'll go through ... but they were hard at least in my mind. I told J. that I was "taking a break" to get control of my addiction and I wrote the following letter to E.

I won't be online today, and if I'm strong, I won't be online for the rest of the week. As you know, I have struggled a great deal with trying to get things in order in my life and in my marriage. I've finally come to realize that being online, chatting with men, meeting you for quick trysts, is all a part of an addiction to excitement that I have to fight to overcome if I am ever going to truly pull myself together. I am close to the bottom and know that I have to regain some control of my life. My work is suffering, my marriage was already suffering, and overall my whole life just seems to be someone else's. I'm a much stronger and wiser person than the person you have seen.
Just to be clear, I truly will never regret what we have shared. It's been exciting and fun and an experience like no other. Through all its ups and downs, what we have shared has been a bit of what we both have needed. You have been kind to me, and oh so sexy, and beyond sex, you have been a good friend, someone I've enjoyed talking to. I hope that you will find what you are looking for.
I would rather have discussed this face to face or even online, but I know that I just have to say it, and go, while I have it in me to do that. I'm sorry if sending an e-mail is not the right way. But it's the way I have always felt most comfortable in sharing with you my thoughts.
This time the goodbye is for me, and it's for real. I thank you for everything we have shared and that you have been and I am sorry for anything I've left undone.

I wish I could say I feel good or strong ... I feel that I'm doing the right thing, that's the best thing I can say.

Well, almost

Ian, I'm afraid I cant' say that I made it through the day without visiting the Internet. However, I can say that I did much, much better. Only chatted with one person, and that too for no longer than 10 minutes.
I am only here to write about the interview I just saw with President Clinton. He talked with Dan Rather and writes in his book about how he lived separate lives ... one that was public and one that was private. That's the life I'm living now. If it can happen to a president, it can happen to anyone.
I also am reading a book recommended by my therapist -- Maximum Self Esteem. I found so much to relate to there, so many things that point to the reasons I am allowing myself to be used by men looking for nothing more than a quick blow job. I read some stuff yesterday that she gave me about Internet addiction. It applies so much. Even though I was offline all this morning, I spent 40 minutes handwriting a note to M. that I thought I'll type tomorrow. One of the symptoms of addiction is feelings of severe restlessness and anxiousness when you are trying to break free. I felt all those things today. Continually thinking about being online and that I might be missing a conversation with someone I want to talk to. It really is truly a severe disorder. I never thought I'd be the victim of anything.

Sunday - no Internet day

I feel a bit pathetic when after being out doing normal things, I walk through the door and can think of nothing more than getting to the computer to check messages. I even now feel that my husband is trying to run a bit faster than me to the computer, so he has his time to read the news and check e-mail too.
I have exchanged e-mails with a couple of people in an online support group for people with IAD (Internet Addiction Disorder) and it seems like we can at least exchange thoughts. One of the people, Ian, has made a pact to stay offline at least on Sundays. I agree to join him in the effort and we'll exchange thoughts on Monday about how we did. Another person in the amazingly small group is a woman and facing many of the same issues I am, minus the fact that she is not meeting men offline, only chatting with them online.
Throughout today as I tried to go about the normal means of business, I thought endlessly of how I was going to go cold turkey and really try to nip this addiction in the bud. All I could think of was how I'm going to tell certain people, particularly E. goodbye. I just can't stop going over the conversation in my head and imagining the reaction of various people who I will tell. There's something to be said for just erasing the account and walking away, but I'm under the dilusion that someone actually gives a shit.
NP has given me suggestions for a lot of reading material. However, I can't concentrate on reading it. For one thing, I fall asleep every time I sit down and for the other, I don't think I want to read it, because I don't think I want to stop. I did read some of the stuff she gave me about Internet addiction, and it's amazing how much of it fits me to a tee. The tests say, "If you have experienced three or more of these (10) criteria in the past three months you are likely suffering from IAD." I matched about 9 of 10.
During our last session NP talked about denial. I think what I am in the biggest denial about how much my behaviour over the past three months would hurt my husband I guess I have myself convinced that even if he found out, he'd simply be understanding. And, in a way, that makes it even worse, to think I'm taking advantage of such a good soul.
One key to overcoming whatever problems I have -- and they are broader than this addiction -- is setting goals. For that reason, I think this guy in the support group who has set an Internet-free Sunday will be a good influence. In order to help me meet that goal, I'm setting a secondary goal to write some long overdue letters to family and friends.

Time passes on

As I look at the old issues of Time magazine sitting in the front office, and go through some old issues of the newspaper sitting on my desk, I realize how many things have gone on without my notice over the past few months. Over these months that I have been obsessed with chatting with men online and meeting them offline, a war has been raging and our country has continued to deteriorate at the hands of an arrogant and greedy president. Politics, current events, and social issues are my passion -- but I've barely skimmed the headlines and rarely even picked up the news magazines to read a few lines, to toss them aside to spend time online. I don't know how I am going to pull myself away from this. But I know that I have to. I have to set some limitations for myself. NP gave me some good materials for that at our last session. I need to read those and try to set my mind over the weekend to control myself at work. I think I can control myself at home with my husband's help. Even though he doesn't know, I have let him know I don't want to waste too much time online.
My first encounter with E. was on April 12. That was my first extramarital experience. Since then I honestly could not even name all the men I have met and been with. Only a few I've actually had sex with, but plenty that I've shared my oral talents with. Even as late as today, I made a date with M. to come to visit him next week, knowing that next week is my target for ending everything. I think he's that one last experience I want to have. But somehow, I don't think it's going to happen. I want to meet him, to make our friendship real, but I don't want to have sex with him and I don't think he is truly attracted to me ... just the thought of "getting some relief."
OK, I'm not getting offline by blogging, but wanted to write these thoughts while they are with me. Sunday is Father's Day and I haven't even bought my dad a card, much less sent it. I used to be such a thoughtful person. I didn't even send a thank you to the other B's for inviting us for dinner last week. There's a lot of talk by NP in breaking this addiction about replacing this behaviour with something else. Nothing else excites me. Nothing else appeals to me or holds my attention. I don't know what to do. I literally feel trapped.

Friday afternoon

Well, wouldn't NP be proud of the past 24 hours? And the thing is ... I feel numb to the fact that I rented a hotel room to be with BCD for the first time yesterday afternoon, had an excuse to be out until 11 and got "finished" with him by 6:30 or 7, so called this new guy in BPA, went to dinner with him, brought him back to the room and blew his mind (and something else) and then went home, woke my husband, went to bed, got up this morning and met J. in the same room. So, three guys for a mere $71.
I wrote to one of my faithful readers ... I am so numb to it all, that I barely know how to feel at this point. Do I enjoy what I'm doing ... yeah, it's fun. Am I getting anything from it, not a damn thing. I was thinking on the drive to work -- I barely can remember what J. looks like when I'm not with him. I doubt I'll remember what BCD looks like in a week. I'll never see him again.
If I'm lucky, I'll never see any of these guys again. I was trying to build up will on the drive in to say goodbye ... a true goodbye to E. But at the very same time, I'm thinking of writing him today ... after having three cocks in my mouth over the past three days ... and ask "is your cock available today?" We sometimes meet on Friday afternoons.
NP had said the other day, that I'm likely in the denial stage of addiction, and that in that stage sometimes we feel like we'll just have that one big binge ... hmm hmm, seems like today qualifies ... and then quit. She didn't follow through to say if the quitting actually happens. On one hand, I think I can quit if I want to, on the other hand, I don't feel that I want to. I think, what the hell? And I keep mulling in my mind that someday I will have to pay for this. And even the consequences don't seem enough to stop me.
How did I get here? I don't feel guilty, I don't feel scared, I don't feel anything but anticipation. How did I get here?

Morning

Today is the first day I woke up and felt like I truly am fucked up. I have a pain in my gut and I just feel very disgusted. The fact that NP said she didn't want to read what I wrote in the blog has bothered me. She said that it was more important that I "tell" her what I'm feeling rather than write it out day by day and show her. She said we need to say whatever is on our minds to one another. But she also got pretty tough about the risks I am taking with these encounters. She asked me if it was going to take a major incident for me to stop. This morning I was trying to talk to my husband about a couple of the things we discussed and then I could see him getting impatient, wanting to rush me along, thinking that three sessions of therapy are going to solve all my problems. I don't feel good. And I'm not feeling good about breaking away from these guys, but feeling like that after this week, that's exactly what I have to do. I see NP on Monday and I think that is the point at which I'm going to gain my strength. Maybe I'll do it even before. Let me see.

Add one more ...

Before I see NP tonight for therapy, I'm going to stop by E.'s office and try out his new chair. His partner told him it looked like the perfect spot to get blowed. So, we decided to test his theory. We both have to be somewhere at 6. Him to his son's game, and me to my therapist.

The real NP Day

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A tribute

To the rest of the world, today is just another day filled with work, errands, laughter, frustration, and life. But to me, June 15 will never be just another day that goes by unnoticed.

On June 15, 1993, I received a call from my father that my mother had had a massive heart attack and that the doctors didn't think they would be able to save her life. They weren't.

Just like that, the woman who had given me life and made sure I lived it to the best of my ability, was gone. I never saw her, except as her body lay in her casket. I can't even remember what we shared when I saw her the few days before her death. Whatever it was, I took it for granted that there would be a next time. But there never was. I was never able to ask her another question, never able to hear her voice, never able to know her thoughts. It was over. My relationship with my mother ended on June 15 without warning and I could never get it back.

I know that many of you, my friends, have had rocky relationships with your mothers; and there are others who feel a close bond with their mom. In some instances, the same feelings exist in the same individual. But I ask you today, if for no other reason than you are my friend, to call
your mom and hear her voice. It may be the same conversation that you always have, but be thankful that you can hear it.

My love to you all, and my tribute today to my mother.

NP Day

Well, today's the day I go for my weekly meeting with NP. It seems like a lot happens between these meetings, so it's good that I keep up with things via the blog.

I wonder what we will focus on today. Today is the 11th anniversary of my mother's death. It could be that. Or it could be on how my week went and how I met J. twice but haven't heard from him recently. I"m a bit worried that his sister in law passed away. It could be my interaction with E. and how that has worked over the past week, or the fact that I started chatting with a new guy in BPA yesterday. Who knows?

I wonder if she knows what it is like to be working along, getting stuff done, have to go to the computer for a simple work task and not get away from it, to be drawn to find human interaction in this little box in front of me. It's impossible for many people to understand.

Breakthroughs

Well, I thought it would be a lot, lot longer before I ever came close to having a breakthrough with my husband, but today one came. We were laying on the bed talking and I began asking him questions from my Maximum Self Esteem book. It was sort of an assessment of one's self esteem. Actually, I was surprised by a couple of his answers and even more surprised that he shared them. As we talked, I turned the book over to him and asked him to assess what he thought my answers would be. I wasn't surprised to learn that he didn't really know the severity of my concerns. But I was surprised when I had the courage to tell him that I had told NP a couple of weeks ago that I was concerned that if I fixed all that was wrong with me, my marriage, or more specifically, my relationship with my husband would be over. I expected him to get mad, but he didn't. He just ask me why I said it and what I thought. I was able to explain to him that I currently feel that correcting myself is going to mean asking him to change and asking him to change for me is going to hurt him. I referred specificially to the need for affection and closeness. But as we talked it through I began to realize that one of the things that makes me crave and really need the affection is because I don't feel that I'm standing on my own two feet. I need the reassurance that I'm a viable human being and currently need that to come from someone else. As I grow stronger, I'm not going to be as desparately dependent upon it as I am now. I think I still need the affection and intimacy and somehow I need to learn to get that from my husband He brought up again that different people express these things in different ways. I do need some things that feel familiar as well. I feel good about the conversation.

Catching up

Sometimes now it seems like the weeks pass without notice. It's now Sunday morning and I realize I'll see NP on Tuesday and I've not really made any progress. One of the things she is definitely doing right is setting goals with me each week. Even my husband has focused in on that. He'll say "What are you supposed to work on this week." Since the Internet addiction is the major thing, I can't always say ... but at least he's asking what I'm supposed to be working toward. The other thing is that NP keeps almost acting surprised that I keep on coming. I don't know if this is part of her tactics or honesty. But having a meeting with her each week gives me something to focus on. Even with her, pleasing is important.

And I guess this week that's probably one thing that has rang true in my personality is my desire to please people. One thing NP honed in on last week was when I said "I just can't say no" to E. And it's true. I just never want to say no and can't really force myself. This week I made a real effort to tell S. we're not going to see each other any more, and it's frankly simply because I'm not interested. We have one sided conversations and those too are boring. And if what I am doing were for the sex, he wouldn't be in the top 10. Of course, I don't know who would be in the top 10 other than G. for his performance, because all in all, it's about my performance and I make it that way.

I'm trying to let thoughts flow here, and so many are coming to mind they'll be jumbled ... I have to remind myself that I'm writing for me.

Talking about conversation with S. raises the thought of one thing that is bothering me in life, not in my current situation necessarily, it that following the onset of my seizure disorder I began taking Dilantin (which i wonder at times if it causes depression. Since that point, my short term memory and particularly my attention span is completely out of whack. I used to have an amazing memory and an inordinate level of caring for people. I would think about them when they were suffering and remember to call them. It's been more than a week since April's father passed and I haven't called, i haven't done anything except e-mail her back on that day. I remember how horrified I was when my mom died and my best friend at the time did not take the time to come to the funeral. But I can't seem to focus. A major thing right now is this internet issue ... just constantly wanting to be in touch with people online. But in general life it's hard to focus to remain focused and to accomplish things. I don't seem in control of my mind and my brain function and part of that is the medication. Yet, somehow I'm managing to have conversations and experiences with all these men. I don't know.

My husband said last week or maybe the week before, two things of note. One was, "Well, it just seems you need to go back to (my home state)." I took special note of the fact that he only said "you." The other thing is relevant here in that he said it seems like ever since I had my first seizure I lost my self esteem. I think he's right to some extent, especially if you can describe self-esteem as will.

To the subject of my week, I'll start with an experience with E. yesterday. It was basically unplanned, and I did have the guts to call of whatever fun he had planned for coming in my office in the middle of the day for a hummer this week. I just told him it wouldn't work, I had to work on a project. But yesterday we were talking online ... he had told me he would be on and I specifically went on to contact him. We talked and somehow the conversation of how quick and rushed our time together is. He said, "Do those quickies bother you." I replied, "No, but sometimes I wish I didn't feel so rushed, so I could take care of you." Honestly, that's true... but the real reason I want to "take care of him" is because I want it to feel like something more than meeting to give him a BJ. So anyway, the conversation goes on a bit and he gets called away for awhile, then says "i'll be back in 45 secs." then three customers come in and he says it will be longer and I say "It's Ok, I know you don't want to talk to me." Really only joking, but he took it personally I guess and said when he came back that he was "sensitive today." So within a few minutes he asks if I can meet him at his office, and explains we'd only have 15 minutes -- which we haven't had more than that more than once ... the time we're actually together is usually maximum a half hour. Well the fact that I've just said I want more and that he's still willing to ask if I want to do a quickie sort of sparks a tick in me, and I don't respond for a few moments, then say "we're both feeling sensitive today." then we get into this big discussion about him wanting me to tell him what I mean and I just say ... no, let's meet. He was saying, "You're making me feel like this is all about me." Oh yeah, who did you think it was about, asshole? Anyway, long story short, we met, I performed ... and this is the thing, things are always so rushed that he just wants to go hard at it until he cums... which is not my style at all. And he was still trying to do this control thing yesterday holding my head, suffocating me. So then after a while he says, "I just don't think I'm going to cum." Well I wouldn't quit, wouldn't give up. I was going to make him cum after all this, period. So finally I pushed him back in the chair and did things my way, with a bit of his way combined and it happened. I was so glad it did, because the last thing I would have wanted to feel that day would have been that sense of failure. Somehow I think in this story, it's always going to come back to E. he was the beginning.

I was with J. twice this week. Both times were amazing. Even though things were a bit rushed and I think there were times he wanted to grab hold like e. he gave me my time. But more than that ... he is just constantly reassuring. He has just enough lack of self confidence to be endearing, and enough "it feels amazing to be with yous" to make him feel really good. Things may change.. they usually do.

Emotions out of control

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Along the roadside

Saw M. for the first time this morning IRL. He was driving down the interstate at the same time I was. He was on his way to work, as was I, so there was no opportunity to stop. But it was good to see his face ... and his tall torso. I think overall though ... even though I really would like to be his friend, that he will never be willing to take that friendship into real time, and if he does, it's just going to be for sex. It's fine for him as it is. I'm just going to quit pushing it.

A walk in the park

OK, I'm likely speaking way too soon, but maybe after all this empty searching on the Internet for a man who might actually be a lover, I may have found the one. I met J. this afternoon at a local park. Yeah, maybe we don't know much about each other, but we've done a whole lot of talking the last couple of days and we did a lot more today. We are clicking very nicely. And he's everything I found in E. (a professional, interested in a intimate relationship, so easy to talk to, we just kept talking and talking), plus he's (so far) a gentleman, very expressive in person. He told me what he liked about what we shared, told me about his experiences with meeting other online women.
I'm feeling kinda weird because Gordon is not talking after our little encounter the other day. Not weird like I want him to tell me how good it was, but not good because I don't want him to feel weird about something that was truly and purely casual.
As for J. I know that I often feel this way about a man after I first talk to him online... but I have not felt this way about a man after meeting since E. We really could talk like we'd known each other forever. That felt incredibly good.

Wednesday morning

Talk about addiction ... this morning I'm shaving my legs in the shower, anticipating meeting this new guy J. and I'm thinking, "Why are you wasting your time doing this, he's not going to see your legs and you could be doing something more useful, like checking the Internet."
I say this when all day I have some important meetings that I need to be prepared for and absolutely am not.
NP has recommended I read some information on co-dependency and also consider joining a support group on the issue. I think it might be a good idea. I've read stuff on co-dependency before and definitely think that it's an issue for me. Let me do some more reading.
I really am not feeling strong at all.
I talked a bit with my husband last night about some of the issues that I spoke with NP about. He asked and wanted to know how things went. I'm not sure if he's asking because he wants to stay abreast of how I'm feeling or if he worries she's putting some bullshit in my head. From what I could tell, he feels positive about what I shared with him. Of course, I can't share half of what I share with her with him. And even find it difficult to say to him that we talk about marital issues, etc. He also really has no idea how to be supportive. His idea of supporting me yesterday was "Well, basically what I see is that you have to do is gain some self-confidence." Oh yeah, like it just works that way. Thanks for the input.
OK, once again, I'm late for work. Better get dressed and go.

After the session

Met with NP tonight and really just talked about the week's setbacks. She made a couple of suggestions ... but mainly just listened to me rant about how bad my job is, how bad my week is, how bad my relationship with my husband is, so many things. She asked me to consider joining a support group. I'll check into it. Just not feeling good about my ability to move forward from here. I know I will be able to ... it's just not a good feeling right now.

Wondering

Sometimes I wonder ... If I were not married would I be talking to/meeting/exploring with all these men, or would I be looking for the one?

Setbacks

Wow! Yesterday was not a good day in terms of my efforts to wean myself from the Internet, get busy with work and focus on weeding some people out of my life instead of introducing someone new.

First of all, I was at the computer all day ... partly for work and a bunch for chatting. Opened the lines for communication with a new guy ... we'll call him J. and got overly excited about meeting him. And then I re-opened lines that I had already shut down a long time ago with BCD to the point that I arranged to meet him next week. And on top of that, I've gained a faithful and very intriguing reader to my blog from Australia. We share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings and have exchanged e-mails and late yesterday began to talk via messenger. He is a recovering Internet addict himself, so he can relate to a lot of what I'm dealing with here as well as in my relationship.

Secondly, last night I went to G.'s house after a semi-late meeting at work. We did have a good converation about where we are in life, where we've been. There's definitely the basis fir a friendship there. It could have just ended there, but no ... almost without thought I kissed him and it went from there. It was an incredible time ... but now have I screwed up what could have been a friendship.

One of the things I talked with G. about is that it feels like my husband really doesn't want me to have friends. When I'm on the phone with someone, he's always asking "Who were you talking to for so long." And the idea of me making a friend and including him in that friendship seems so out of the picture because he's so anti-social unless it is "his" friends. I don't know if this speaks to the issue I wrote about earlier about how I am finding it hard to make friendships without sex being involved.

The same thing is probably true for Martin. We had a long conversation a few days ago and he was trying to figure out where I was coming from ... if I wanted sex or didn't want sex or what. Without going into the details, I told him if the opportunity for sex came up, I wouldn't turn it away.

And look at all these guys I'm having sex with? Geezus! What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me? I don't know ... there is part of me that tries to convince myself that there is nothing, that it is society's standards that are wrong. I have ordered the book that Nanet recommended that is supposed to be some about breaking down those messages. I look forward to reading it.

Speaking of NP, I see her again tonight. She's my therapist. This will be my fourth visit and I thought we were really making progress. I don't know what has triggered this setback. One thing we talked about last week was that I had had four meetings in that week, two with S. and two with E. We talked about scaling that back and trying to avoid that, trying to find other things to do after work so that doesn't happen. And, in fact, I did do that. I was walking after work. And although I may have met S. this week, he's the only one other than G. But I know I'm probably going to meet this guy J. and I already have the meeting set up next week with BCD. Maybe we can talk through some of this tonight and I'll feel better. Maybe I'm taking the wrong approach. Maybe I'm trying to cure the addiciton without figuring out what the root is.

Monday morning

So, it's Monday morning and I'm set to drop by G.'s house tonight after a meeting. If nothing else, I know we'll kiss. And I am really looking forward to that. I love kissing, and truly good, meaninful kissing is missing at home. I've kissed G. before. He's a good kisser.

I am reading a book by Bob Schieffer, CBS news correspondent, about his life as a journalist. It makes me miss journalism so much. Even though I've come to despise the mainstream media and to see the true flaws in reporters' minds, there is nothing at all on earth like working in a newsroom. The point I wanted to make though was about hatred. I'm at a chapter in the book where he is writing about covering the riots at Ole Miss when a black man was admitted for studies in the early 60s. How can people feel so much hatred over another person simply because of their race? It's truly unfathomable to me.

In the middle of the night

In response to M.'s question -- "What do you get out of it?" "It" being sharing brief interludes of passion, knowing that there is absolutely no desire for long-term committment.

The exploration of the human body is a tremendous experience for me, and the willingness to allow your body to be explored and pleasured in the process is a tremendous gesture of trust. Trust, appreciation, and willingness to be explored are all things that excite and pleasure me. These are intangibles, and the fulfillment may be hard to grasp. Because those are feelings, it may be even harder to grasp how I'm not left feeling cheated when there's nothing more ... nothing to hold on to, no "romantic" relationship so to speak. I can't lie and say it wouldn't be tremendously wonderful to have a relationship where there was something new every day and where trust, appreciation and willingness to explore and be explored was there. But that's not possible and it's certainly nowhere near where I am in life and not somewhere I'm headed at this stage. I'm married ... and plan to stay that way. There are pleasures I draw from my marriage; the ones I mentioned here not necessarily among them. Therefore, a temporary release of that tension becomes just as enjoyable for me as your temporary release does for you. It goes against everything we read in "the rule book," but it's how I feel.

And just after noon

Took another step today that worked ... We were making the bed together (thanks to him for his help) and he said something mean. He probably was just teasing, but he said something about how I always do things wrong. I said to him, "You should not talk to me that way." I didn't say it in a mean tone, or even a hurt tone. I just said it. In about a minute he came over and hugged me and said he was sorry and that he didnt' mean to hurt my feelings and that he always hurts my feelings and he is sorry.

He can't seem to say these things in a "real tone." But at least he is saying them.

Sunday morning

If I'm to write out my feelings, I have to say that I'm (as ridiculous as it is) a little miffed at M. for not being around the last couple of days. There are things I want to talk to him about, and he's not online. I have to wade through these feelings a little more because they speak to an issue of what is wrong in my marriage. I am an immense conversationalist. I love people, to know their thoughts and feelings, to share thoughts, to interact. It's a fundamental problem that I cannot have a conversation with my husband. We simply don't talk about day to day things. Yesterday I tried to talk to him about an issue he is having at work. He said, "I don't want to ruin my day thinking about those things." OK, I can understand. Other times I talk, I'm interrupting his thinking, which is most probably about work. He can very rarely be in the present with me. And I feel that I am constantly on his back about something he is not doing right, so while there's a part of me that wants to ask him, with the love I do truly feel for him, "Do you think we can survive this?" Sometimes I look at it and say I don't see how and wonder if I'm wasting my time trying. I'd like to think not. But there will come a time when I have to face the question head on.

I did make a step forward yesterday I think. I went to bed before him. Then he came to bed naked, which meant he'd been watching soft porn on HBO and was horny. I was very deep in sleep, barely able to wake myself, but I did and to make a long story short, we had sex. He came quickly, dried himself and came to bed, ready to turn his back from me. But I grabbed his shoulder and said turn this way ... hug me and tell me how you enjoyed it and that you love me. On one hand it's pathetic, and I shouldn't have to teach him these things. On the other, if I teach him and he isn't willing, then I know what I'm up against. He's never had a role model for love ... and after six years of marriage, I'm finding he really doesn't care much.

Saturday night

Just back from Delaware. Had a good time except that it rained all day and we didn't get to do anything outside. We did go to a nice Farmer's Market though.

In the morning as we drove, I was trying to talk to my husband about a couple of political issues. He was talking away, giving his opinion, and then I started responding and it soon became clear that he was not even listening. Then I said something else and he interrupted me, refuting a point I wasn't even trying to make. Of course, this made me clam up. The reason? Because when he doesn't listen to me it seems to me that he doesn't think I'm saying anything relevant and that I don't have the brains to understand what is relevant.

Throughout the day he was very anti-social with our friends. Part of it was that he had a headache, but he doesn't like these friends for some reason. And part of that reason is because I do like them. The male in the couple is his long time college friend. He and I became very close after we moved here. My husband didn't like that and basically told me to either stop being friends with him or face him being mad about it every time I spoke with his friend. He said he was a very private person and didn't want me to be friends with his friend. So then this friend got married and now he doesn't seem to like his wife either. It always seems that I am holding up both his and my ends of the conversation.

Last night we enjoyed a nice lovemaking session ... or I should say he enjoyed a nice treat, and as soon as his part was over he started asking me to look at the condition of his skin (he's had some problems) in his groin area. There is no concern about my pleasure and the ability to continue the intimacy beyond orgasm is simply not there. I don't really know how to change this without just blurting out something hurtful.

It's amazing the Ronald Reagan is the first U.S. president to die since 1994.

Saturday morning

What I am finding is that creating a new account and only putting a couple of friends on the mssgr. list has made me obsessed with M. Almost every night somewhere between 8 and 10 we talk to one another. Yesterday we talked in the afternoon. It really just depends on where he is with his schedule. But the point is, that I keep thinking of the next time I'll talk to him and last night he didn't come online, so I was just waiting around, wading around on the web. So, I don't think I have truly helped myself a lot. But maybe I have helped myself more than I realize. M. is very self controled and we have made it clear, it's friendship between us. Still I enjoy our connection.

Getting Away With It

As I have considered this issue about a "pattern of hiding" in my life, I have also realized that one of the things that pattern has produced is an urge to do certain things because "I can get away with it." I think I may have written something about this in an earlier entry, or maybe to a friend. But this goes beyond my current situation of meeting men I've chatted with online. I realize that when I go to the grocery store alone, I almost always am at the very least tempted, and usually act on, buying something sweet -- often more than one thing sweet. And if I am alone at home I eat things that are not good for me ... all because I can "get away with it." I guess if you break that down, that means that somehow am still afraid of being ridiculed or punished. I'm not sure exactly where that comes from ... but it is definitely something to watch.

It's Friday afternoon

I would say I haven't done as well as I had hoped, but I did OK. And I got to talk to my friend Anil, who is going through a break up.
I'm a little freaked out by M. though. He acts like he wants to be buds and then throws up walls. That's the art of online friendships I guess.
I got an e-mail from my friend ALB today ... her father died. It's been a long time coming. I'm glad the suffering for him is over. I know it will continue to be bad for her.
Yesterday my friend Nancy wrote to say that her grandmother, who she doesn't like, died.
Oh well, at least I didn't talk to E. today.

It's Friday

It's Friday ... I'll call it assessment day, since things went so well yesterday. Of course, you couldn't tell it from the tone of yesterday's entry ... but after that I did much, much better. There was absolutely no useless chat. I talked to Martin for about 40 minutes last night, but asked my husband to call me within 30 minutes. He didn't, but I still practiced self-control and got off the computer, went to the living room, read a magazine and then we watched Thomas Friedman's documentary on outsourcing jobs to India. At work I did do some useless web surfing and chatted just a bit with BV, but nothing major at all. I got lots of work done too. I made plans to spend time with friends for the next three weekends ... or at least I hope three. This weekend we'll go to Delaware, next, if they are available we'll see the other B. family, and the next we've been invited to go down to the shore. After work yesterday, we took a long walk around the complex, which was good, and for the most part avoiding fighting. We even talked some about counseling. I can tell that my husband is witholding judgment on the issue, but he said,"If you are fine with it, I'm fine with it."
Yesterday, Nancy wrote of the death of her father's mother. She wrote it in a tone of "The Wicked Witch is Dead." There was not a good relationship there at all. The anniversary of my mother's death is looming over me a bit. Around this time I begin to start thinking of it. It's been 11 years. When I think of how much life she gave to me in 11 years, and how much we grew and changed in 11 years, it's amazing to imagine her void for 11 years more.
But, it's Friday, and my goal is to get through the week with only the one encounter I had on Tuesday and to focus my attention on work today. I will likely chat with PRE, BV and possibly E. about work-related stuff, and maybe M. a little cause he's off work. But if I don't turn on the other account except for just a few minutes in the morning, I can avoid long discussion with E. which will be good, especially in the afternoon, which is when he tries to tempt me. (See, doing better, avoiding triggers.)