Sunday, June 06, 2004

Sunday morning

If I'm to write out my feelings, I have to say that I'm (as ridiculous as it is) a little miffed at M. for not being around the last couple of days. There are things I want to talk to him about, and he's not online. I have to wade through these feelings a little more because they speak to an issue of what is wrong in my marriage. I am an immense conversationalist. I love people, to know their thoughts and feelings, to share thoughts, to interact. It's a fundamental problem that I cannot have a conversation with my husband. We simply don't talk about day to day things. Yesterday I tried to talk to him about an issue he is having at work. He said, "I don't want to ruin my day thinking about those things." OK, I can understand. Other times I talk, I'm interrupting his thinking, which is most probably about work. He can very rarely be in the present with me. And I feel that I am constantly on his back about something he is not doing right, so while there's a part of me that wants to ask him, with the love I do truly feel for him, "Do you think we can survive this?" Sometimes I look at it and say I don't see how and wonder if I'm wasting my time trying. I'd like to think not. But there will come a time when I have to face the question head on.

I did make a step forward yesterday I think. I went to bed before him. Then he came to bed naked, which meant he'd been watching soft porn on HBO and was horny. I was very deep in sleep, barely able to wake myself, but I did and to make a long story short, we had sex. He came quickly, dried himself and came to bed, ready to turn his back from me. But I grabbed his shoulder and said turn this way ... hug me and tell me how you enjoyed it and that you love me. On one hand it's pathetic, and I shouldn't have to teach him these things. On the other, if I teach him and he isn't willing, then I know what I'm up against. He's never had a role model for love ... and after six years of marriage, I'm finding he really doesn't care much.


Greg said...

I must say, that is not a problem my wife and i have. Our sex (when applicable) is usually mutually wnjoyed and participated in. At times, it does get boring...same process each time...I get her off orally, we have intercourse, I get off. So I do enjoy it when something different happens. But, I agree with what you are saying...he seems either lazy, or oblivious to the fact that sex is a mutual thing, and enjoyed better when both parties are or have reached orgasm. I'm also surprised that these flings off the internet have not produced someone who fills in the empty spaces you need. Myself, I am the opposite. Sex is about the only time my wife and i seem to connect.

Rae said...

I'd say he's definitely not lazy ... except maybe in mind. He's not willing to focus his mind on me. So the word I'd use is selfish. At times it leaves me feeling uninteresting, unappealing. I don't think he has that concept. Just like this morning when he said he was sorry, I don't think he intends to hurt me. He just doesn't know any other way.