If I'm to write out my feelings, I have to say that I'm (as ridiculous as it is) a little miffed at M. for not being around the last couple of days. There are things I want to talk to him about, and he's not online. I have to wade through these feelings a little more because they speak to an issue of what is wrong in my marriage. I am an immense conversationalist. I love people, to know their thoughts and feelings, to share thoughts, to interact. It's a fundamental problem that I cannot have a conversation with my husband. We simply don't talk about day to day things. Yesterday I tried to talk to him about an issue he is having at work. He said, "I don't want to ruin my day thinking about those things." OK, I can understand. Other times I talk, I'm interrupting his thinking, which is most probably about work. He can very rarely be in the present with me. And I feel that I am constantly on his back about something he is not doing right, so while there's a part of me that wants to ask him, with the love I do truly feel for him, "Do you think we can survive this?" Sometimes I look at it and say I don't see how and wonder if I'm wasting my time trying. I'd like to think not. But there will come a time when I have to face the question head on.
I did make a step forward yesterday I think. I went to bed before him. Then he came to bed naked, which meant he'd been watching soft porn on HBO and was horny. I was very deep in sleep, barely able to wake myself, but I did and to make a long story short, we had sex. He came quickly, dried himself and came to bed, ready to turn his back from me. But I grabbed his shoulder and said turn this way ... hug me and tell me how you enjoyed it and that you love me. On one hand it's pathetic, and I shouldn't have to teach him these things. On the other, if I teach him and he isn't willing, then I know what I'm up against. He's never had a role model for love ... and after six years of marriage, I'm finding he really doesn't care much.
5 months ago