Monday, June 21, 2004

Monday morning power

I did two of the hard things this morning. They are likely not the hardest things I'll go through ... but they were hard at least in my mind. I told J. that I was "taking a break" to get control of my addiction and I wrote the following letter to E.

I won't be online today, and if I'm strong, I won't be online for the rest of the week. As you know, I have struggled a great deal with trying to get things in order in my life and in my marriage. I've finally come to realize that being online, chatting with men, meeting you for quick trysts, is all a part of an addiction to excitement that I have to fight to overcome if I am ever going to truly pull myself together. I am close to the bottom and know that I have to regain some control of my life. My work is suffering, my marriage was already suffering, and overall my whole life just seems to be someone else's. I'm a much stronger and wiser person than the person you have seen.
Just to be clear, I truly will never regret what we have shared. It's been exciting and fun and an experience like no other. Through all its ups and downs, what we have shared has been a bit of what we both have needed. You have been kind to me, and oh so sexy, and beyond sex, you have been a good friend, someone I've enjoyed talking to. I hope that you will find what you are looking for.
I would rather have discussed this face to face or even online, but I know that I just have to say it, and go, while I have it in me to do that. I'm sorry if sending an e-mail is not the right way. But it's the way I have always felt most comfortable in sharing with you my thoughts.
This time the goodbye is for me, and it's for real. I thank you for everything we have shared and that you have been and I am sorry for anything I've left undone.

I wish I could say I feel good or strong ... I feel that I'm doing the right thing, that's the best thing I can say.

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