Feeling

I have just completed a long e-mail and don't really feel like writing much, but wanted to take note of the fact that I can feel myself starting to feel again.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a kidney infection, and in the meantime told him I'd like to be tested for HIV, just to be cautious. Of course, he wanted to know the context. And I felt so ashamed as I relayed only the scattered and sparse detail that I had engaged in some risky behaviour. I made it seem like it was once, but still I felt horribly shamed. One reason I think is that this guy also treats my husband.

And, speaking of my husband -- last night for the first time in more than a week, we had a sexual encounter. And as I was giving him oral pleasure ... I don't feel comfortable sharing these details about my "real" sex life, weird I know ... I thought of all the men (not as individuals, but as a group) that I had done the same thing to, and felt strange... I'm not sure how to describe it. I think it was almost like I had diminished the pleasure I could give him by making this such a random act that could happen anywhere with anyone.

I dread the feelings ahead... but feel thankful to be feeling.