Thursday, June 03, 2004

I want to say ... pathetic

I just spent the last 10 minutes checking four e-mail accounts, two messenger accounts, and the blog for messages. I am desparate for human interaction, yet here I sit.

I have never allowed myself to be a victim of anything, why am I allowing myself to be a victim of this ... addiction, and failing to take the very clear and easy steps to find "real" interaction with the world and all its lovely people?

I did a good thing (I think) yesterday in that I created a new screen name, put two buddies on it, one of whom is a long-time college friend, and kept that running in the background, rather than the other account where I would likely get IM'd throughout the day. But still I craved for those messages and don't feel strong enough to just tear myself away.

I went to see S. last night at the store and sucked him dry in the back office. I felt nothing. It was empty. So, why did I do it? I have no freakin' idea. It was fun. I could. But there was no purpose. He didn't even ask me to come. I went on my own.

Another thing is that even though I created the new account yesterday and wasn't chatting, I was still searching the Internet much of the day, mainly looking at blogs -- again in search of a human connection. Last night after we got home from the grocery store 2 and a half hours slipped away like nothing as I surfed for all sorts of stuff, music, books, news, blogs, etc.

I did have a good face to face conversation with my friend AR yesterday at lunch. Of course, we always have good conversations. We talked about that she is coming home from class and is doing nothing for the rest of the day, so we agreed that I would come by and we could go for a walk sometimes. We could both use and and it would be a good time to see each other and talk. She'll be leaving in about three weeks, so we need to spend some time together.

Also, had a good chat with my RT friend PRE yesterday (the college friend who is on my list). I'm afraid I worried her a bit. Other than BV, she's the only person I've even mentioned the word affair to, and I've told her that I haven't had one and him that there was only one and it's over. The lies have allowed me to talk to them on the surface a bit about some of the issues related to me seeing other men.

This morning I was thinking of eliminating the other messenger account, sending notes to everyone that I'm making a clean cut. I don't feel very confident about being able to do it, or that I won't just IM them from the new account soon.

The biggest problem is that I can't shift my mind away from this. My mind is glued to the Internet, to the people I talk to here. I am distracted by it all the time. I don't think society takes this addiction seriously enough ... but again, that sounds like a victim, something I have always refused to be.

I think another problem is that I find nothing alluring in my work. Have no desire to do the work because I see no reward in it. I have to concentrate on real life. I'm going to pay dearly if I don't. I know that, but somehow that fear has no teeth.

3 comments:

Greg said...

It's funny you mention Addiction....I started on the internet over 9 years ago, chatting on IRC...and in 97, that started my addiction totally. I later got Addicti0n.net and a few others and started a hosting company..but Addicti0n was more than just a hobby..it was real. I secluded my life from the outside world and lived for chat 24-7. Seclusion was an every day thing for me. Id venture out only to get smokes and Mt Dew and food. Id go days without sleeping...and even found my wife through IRC.

So yeah, i know what your saying there, and can only suggest MODERATION

carol said...

i can relate in what you've said earlier Rae...your confession is great!im not really good in the language of English cause im a Filipino but its not a barrier for me,atlest i can communicate.I think you just need a frind and your searching for it.i dnt think you are sufferin in addiction but instead in the term of emptiness.what youve written is great!
So thats why i want to have a comment in your confession.im not really god in giving advice so all i can say is good luck!

Rae said...

Thanks for your message on my blog. You are right ... I was looking for a friend ... and I am now trying to find a friend in myself. I am now a part of a recovery program. I am learning to love myself.

It means a lot to me that you took the time to read my blog and to
write to me. I hope you read enough to see that my life is turning slowly
around.

My cousin is married to a girl from the Phillipines. Her name is
Cleofe. I love her very much. They have three girls and a boy. It's a delight
to know her.

I hope you are well, don't mind your language. I understand it
perfectly.