Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Originally written May 25, 2004

I was asked by Nanet to write my differing feelings on S. and E. I had told her, a bit off the cuff, that think the appeal with E.
is that someone of his stature and confidence is attracted to me. With S. I said I feel I have something to offer him that he wants
desperately. Interestingly, in a conversation I had this week with E. he said that he finds it interesting that he has more money
and power now and more women are interested. It sort of haunted me to think that that was why I was interested in him. Then
today I saw a guy at the conference that I attended who looked and reminded me so much of him, and it wasn’t his money or
power that attracted me … but his aura of self-confidence.

Yesterday E. and I had a good conversation and he wanted to know if I was interested in seeing him in the future (considering
that I told him that we were going to take a hiatus so he could pursue his BDSM stuff). We also talked business some today
and yesterday. It was good and basically felt like we were back to our old “comfortable” conversations.

As for S. – He joined me here (in H’burg) for a couple of hours and we had a good time. He was very giving and warm. He
said I relieved some of his extreme tension, which made me feel good. I woke up in the hotel bed still feeling the evidence of
our lovemaking in my body and remembering the comfort with which we talked and laughed. Funny, one of the things I think I
am battling with in the overall scheme of things is association with only (people of my husband's culture)– and now this. And he’s so much like my husband in that
he never shares any overall feelings really, never lets me in.

I brought the wrong journal with me on this trip, so I didn’t want to write these thoughts in that one, because it is the journal
that I used to write about my husband in our very early days. I opened the journal this morning and read, “I am about to marry the most
complete man I have ever known.” It seems ironic now that it is his lack of completeness – his focus on work and inability to
focus on me – that has left me feeling resentful, unimportant and “in the way.” We may do something fun now and then but
almost always it feels like an interruption of his work, most often his mind is not in it.

Nanet said something in our last session about how there may be things that I like that I don’t want to give up. I would say that
exploring other men’s bodies and personalities is certainly something I am enjoying. Maybe part of that is simply developing
connections with new people… intimate connections, things that I feel are missing. Maybe there is something now that is not
allowing me to develop intimate connection without sex being involved. The sex is not that important to me, but the ability to
please and share is extremely important.

As for how I am doing with weaning myself – not really that well. But I am in a much better place than I was two weeks ago.
But I say not so good because there are three people out there who have not yet been explored and I’m still talking to them
and making hints (even loose plans) to meet them. (Since I have written this, I have clarified friendship with one (M.) and I am
glad to have him as a friend. Another (G.) I have not resolved, but I know that ultimately we will be friends only. The last I
have had some pretty intriguing conversations with and will likely meet.


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