Monday, January 31, 2005


I said to myself today:

You must begin to get to work on time. You must take your job responsibilities seriously. You must stop making excuses for not doing what needs to be done. You are being paid a salary. You need to have something to show for that.

You are getting your life in order, you are not lazy, you are not inefficient, you are not irresponsible. As a healthy person, you have to begin to demonstrate that.

You have no excuses -- at least not legitimate ones.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Prayer for today

Dear Lord who lives in us all, thank you for this day, for another day to live and survive. A day to thrive. I pray for all people on the roads this morning, Lord, that they will be safe in the heavy rains and wind. I pray especially for my husband's safety.

I pray Lord that in my life today your will will be done. You have already given me some good lessons this morning as I have read the posts of my fellow sex addicts. Perhaps today will bring temptations, or anger. I never know what each day will bring, but I pray for the strength to endure it, and for the resolve to understand that all things happen as part of a broader plan. If I must suffer so that another can live free of pain, if I must be angry so another can be happy, let me accept that as part of my contribution to humanity.

I thank you, Lord, that my relationship with you -- with the spirit that I realize moves in all of us -- has become greater. That I now realize that I am one part of a mighty and awesome God that lives in all of us and breathes life into us each day.

I pray for comfort in the hearts of my friends J. and K. as they suffer the burden of the loss of their child to miscarriage. Comfort them, Lord and hold them close to you.

I pray Lord for direction in my life, that I will find the proper path to take in terms of my career, and pursuing my ambitions. I ask for faith in myself and in you.

I pray most fervently that I will turn all things over to you, Lord, the spirit that lives in us all, and know that you will lead the way to a brighter tomorrow, as I live through this one day you have give me.

Living my life, one day at a time, by the grace of the living spirit that flows through us all.


A powerful revelation

It just occurred to me after considering W.'s situation when his wife went out of town, a situation I have been in myself, where I am so excited to have the "opportunity" to act out, that this was the same feeling my father had when my mother would leave and my sister would be gone and he would have me in the house to himself.

Wow, what a powerful revelation. So powerful in fact, I don't know what to say or think. One thought that crosses through my mind, as my stomach comes up into my throat is, "I am just as sick as he was." I know it's not true -- I haven't taken advantage of innocent children. But still, the similarities are too close for comfort.

I ask for blessings for us all, especially those of us who lived through incest.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Promises of the program

* We will regain control of our lives
* We will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
* The loneliness will subside and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
* We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
* In the company of family and friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
* We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
* Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
* We will love and accept ourselves.
* We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
* We will extend ourselves for the purpose of nurturing our own or another's apiritual growth.
* We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have hurt.
* We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken away, and what has been left behind.

I like the last one and the seventh one best.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Taking steps

This morning I went to my first SA meeting, which was a step in the right direction. I needed the extra support and found some there, even though they spent a few minutes bashing my other program. One thing I walked away from was a reading in their "big book" about not telling your spouse about your problem right away. I also walked away knowing that I was glad I found my group first, because this program is way too vigorous on the religion and abstinence side. Had I enrolled in it right away I know I would not have come as far as I have. I would have walked away. I wouldn't have been able to stomach it and buy into it.

I came home and wrote a final goodbye letter to G. None of it felt "normal," but I felt compelled. Now, I have to get used to it. Used to the idea that I really am not going to have anyone to reach out to when my addiction starts to crave and want. It stings a little bit. I don't feel good about it. But I know I will at some point. I have to get used to the idea that I have to focus on one thing now and that is me and my recovery. I have to start working through the program more diligently.

Every step I take in this process I feel like I'm peeling back one more layer of the onion -- finding out more about me, and getting comfortable with the feeling of "exposed skin."

I feel odd ... out of sorts. I think it must be the letter I wrote. Or maybe it's I'm feeling in limbo. I'm now thinking of quitting my job and living abroad for some time. A few steps to make plans for that trip abroad have already been made. Previously when I've needed to turn to something in these stressful situations, I've turned to sex. That's that last place I can turn now. I need to focus on my work, but I"m still unable.

I can see strides I've made, but I still need to work on my goals of leading a decluttered lifestyle and focusing on the responsibilities of my work. I kinda feel like I'm going to vomit.

One other thing I took from this morning's meeting what something that one of the members of the group said. He said that early on he had trouble picking up the phone to call someone else in the program, but soon realized that his reasons had something to do with his continual avoidance of intimacy. Tonight I have dinner with a friend, I know it will be awkward, because I don't feel comfortable with people anymore. I have given up my feeling of complete comfort with others for sexual escapade after sexual escapade that wasn't worth shit.

I'm getting better not worse, and I refuse to wallow around in self-pity though. I will work to have a good time tonight and to begin to reach out to others. I pray to God for the strength and the clarity tomorrow to focus on my work. I pray for my heart to be opened to opportunity to hear and to be heard and to love, as love was intended.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Morning Prayer -- Jan. 7, 2005

Thank you, Spirit of us All, that I woke up this morning with the foresight and the enthusiasm to clear the clutter from my home. I know that throughout the weekend, that will inspire me to rid my life and my home of even more clutter. It's a great feeling to be alive today, and I thank you Lord for that. Thank you for this new day to live and experience life, and learn, and interact with others who are going through the same process.

I know I'm in a much better place now than where I was even last week. And when I consider where I was last month, I know that by recognizing my powerlessness, acknowledging your presence in me as it flows through all of us, and allowing you to work through me, I am going to make it out of all this a much stronger person.

Today marks the 34th day since I have had sex outside my marriage. I could never imagined that I could ever go a week without finding someone to "act out" with. I have had some near misses and I thank you, oh so much, for intervening. I pray that you will help me not "flirt" with disaster like that again. I never want to feel, "Oh, God will bail me out." I know that I am responsible for my decisions and that if I simply work on making myself stronger rather than spending my time developing ways to avoid trouble, my life will be better. I must remember to focus on the positive aspects of what this experience and this disease has taught me; and one of the most positive things it has taught me is that I am worthy of a true and wonderful life. Wow! What an amazing revelation. Day by day, literally, I have been willing to consider myself powerless against the disease, and with your gentle voice you have guided me through that. I pray that voice will continue to guide me as I continue to work toward becoming whole.

I pray to you, dear Spirit, for your blessings today. Use me as an instrument to help others, and raise me above the distinctions and differences that confuse me and make me weak. Because you live through me, I can be strong. I pray for your will in my life today, Lord. Today and always thankful. Amen.