I had a meeting with my program sponsor yesterday to discuss my Step 4 (moral inventory) and our discussions caused me think of what life would have been like had I "told" (about my abuse) back then ... what if no one believed me, what if things went into chaos and my family was torn apart, even now I can't think of doing that to my mother and I can't imagine the effects it would have had on me.
I recalled with my sponsor that I did tell one of my cousins once while she was visiting at our house. And while no one ever said anything to me about it, my stepfather asked me a few days later, "You told Chrish what I was doing to you didn't you?" I lied and said I hadn't ... I was always taught to lie to stay out of trouble. I don't remember what he said exactly, but I know it was a rehash of the "you can't tell anyone, it will be bad, you'll be taken away from your family, we dont have to do this if you don't want to" speech.
I have a greater feeling than ever that life happens in the order it's supposed to for a reason. The abuse was one trauma, the deep-rooted effects and recovery from them is another. I don't think I could have began that second round any earlier than I did and lived to tell about it. Thank God for the passage of time, and love in my life that I don't have to question at all.
1 month ago