Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Where do I start?

If it seemed I was overwhelmed in my last post ... here comes the gusher!

My oldest brother died last Saturday, I went to his funeral and met my biological father for the first time, and really sat with ALL my feelings surrounding the insanity and chaos that being with my family brings to me. I literally feel numb, as if I've been on a tornado and am just looking around to see what is left, not sure if I'm even alive.

I'm reaching out in my addictions some ... but not enough to worry me much at this point. My food I guess is something to be worried about ... but I don't know, I just don't think I can deal with it right now. My desire to find new partners is there and in fact I find myself spending time talking with a few people regularly ... in hopes of finding someone to give me love like R. did. I wonder how many times I have to be reminded of this pain, before I'll let it go. I did not contact R. this time when I went home to be with my family after my brother's death. I came close a couple of times, but I knew I wanted something he didn't have to offer.

I talked to a guy yesterday who helped me to really reach in and feel the hollowness inside me, the emptiness of living in this disconnected world, where I feel chaotic most all the time. The truth is I want to feel anything other than this emptiness. I feel like I need to decompress and I'm trying. I feel glued to my computer, wanting to reach out to something or someone to touch me. I have an interview at the end of the week and I'm trying to get ready for that, but having trouble focusing.

I wanted to write more here ... to go more in depth about my brother and about meeting my father and seeing my stepfather (my abuser) ... but I can't. I can't seem to get to those feelings right now. I want to ... but it feels like I just get disconnected. So, I'll go out for awhile and see if I can connect later.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss and will keep you in my thoughts during this difficult time.

I hope you don't mind but I've added a link to your page to my blog. (If you'd rather I remove it, just let me know.)

Good luck with the interview. Post an update here if you can!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Wow, Rae. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tremendous amount to process.

My husband lost his father a week and a half ago. We found that times of stress and loss like this seem to bring out all the crazy patterns of behavior in families, making everything all the harder to deal with.

I hope you are able to get some rest and heal.

Casdok said...

Oh i am so sorry. I cant imagine whast you are going through.