Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Back to Reality

Well, I'm back home for about four days and I have already acted out. I spent Monday on the computer all day and yesterday I met one of the guys I had been talking too and gave him a quickie BJ in my car. So much for serenity.

I had a breakdown with my friend M. last night. He started talking to me about "the program" and the steps, and I just said, "I don't give a fuck about Step 1 or Step 12 or any other step. What I see is that after a year, I'm right back where I started. I want my life back. I'm tired of being obsessed with sex."

He rightfully told me that I have to take my life back. But, damnit, I'm tired of trying, only to find myself right back where I started.

I was away from my husband for two months, and I guess that I thought I would come back and he would have miraculously changed -- but no, he's still the same callous person he was when I left. While I was away he called me every day. While I am here he just talks to me in the same rude way he always has -- barking and forgetting that I need affection and love now and then too.

This morning I went to sit down with him while he got ready. It was clear he didn't want me there, since when I told him something he started his usual barking.

There are plenty of people who think I should just leave him. But the truth is that somewhere beneath our issues I love him. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

I feel that my addiction is totally separated from all these frustrated feelings for him. In other words I don't consciously think ... "Oh he was a jerk today, I'm going to go find someone else to fuck." Rather I just detach myself from reality and escape into a world of sexual fantasy. Common sense tells me there is a connection. I think it's probably one I don't want to make.