Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Back to Reality

Well, I'm back home for about four days and I have already acted out. I spent Monday on the computer all day and yesterday I met one of the guys I had been talking too and gave him a quickie BJ in my car. So much for serenity.

I had a breakdown with my friend M. last night. He started talking to me about "the program" and the steps, and I just said, "I don't give a fuck about Step 1 or Step 12 or any other step. What I see is that after a year, I'm right back where I started. I want my life back. I'm tired of being obsessed with sex."

He rightfully told me that I have to take my life back. But, damnit, I'm tired of trying, only to find myself right back where I started.

I was away from my husband for two months, and I guess that I thought I would come back and he would have miraculously changed -- but no, he's still the same callous person he was when I left. While I was away he called me every day. While I am here he just talks to me in the same rude way he always has -- barking and forgetting that I need affection and love now and then too.

This morning I went to sit down with him while he got ready. It was clear he didn't want me there, since when I told him something he started his usual barking.

There are plenty of people who think I should just leave him. But the truth is that somewhere beneath our issues I love him. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

I feel that my addiction is totally separated from all these frustrated feelings for him. In other words I don't consciously think ... "Oh he was a jerk today, I'm going to go find someone else to fuck." Rather I just detach myself from reality and escape into a world of sexual fantasy. Common sense tells me there is a connection. I think it's probably one I don't want to make.

3 comments:

Me, Myself and I said...

Welcome back although I see you have been back to your old life too. Whatever... but about the husband thing: what's the point of being with someone that doesnt give you what you need that you have to seek for it outside ? It is ok but then, leave him.

Dear, there's life out of a separation.

BTW, is India as incredible as people and the myth explain ?

Rae said...

Thanks for your response. I think when I wrote this I was trying to find someone or something to blame my behavior on. Maybe leaving him is the right answer, but I don't think so at this point.
I do on the other hand think he should leave my ass at the curb.
And, yes, India is more incredible than anyone could imagine who has never been there.

dexplorer said...

I've been reading your blog with great concern and sympathy.

Frankly I don’t think me, myself has a clue as to what’s going on with you. No single man on this earth would sufficiently satisfy you at this moment given your addictions and where you are with them. Actually, I think in many ways your husband is quite easy for you to deal with while acting out as extremely much as you do on your sex addiction or nymphomania. As you yourself say, you’re “co-dependent” on him.

I'll admit I originally found you by a series of links that suggested you were another female sex adventurous telling of erotic true tales. My favorites are when they're shared with husbands and not unmindful of that primary bond, which is strong. And no I don't like real cuckold situations either. But enough about that.

Your life's so unbalanced and so hurtful for you that its a different thing. Although a lot of sex addiction may only arguably be that, your case seems clearly that and quite extreme. So I do feel for you.

I does seem clear to me that your husband actually fits quite well for you. He seems oblivious of what you do, in ways a man who was more emotionally attentive to you (as I would be for example), would I assure you not be. He's basically kind to you and apparently you two are at least fairly affluent.

You also feel less guilt than you would if he were a more emotionally doting husband.

Though I have to say I imagine a woman with your compulsions would aways come up with things to throw virtually any man she were married to into a bad light in her own mind and that of those she's confiding in, in this bloggy age and world, her blog.

Does your husband know anything of your cheating at all, or is he completely unaware?