Sunday, July 16, 2006

After a long time and stuff

It's funny that after all this time, there are times when I get anxious and can feel myself, in boredom or in loneliness, wanting to go out in search of someone new. I don't want to do anything but just play with them ... maybe just online, probably so. I just want something to fill the void. But even when I try now, I can't really get the hit.
My sponsor in the sex addiction recovery program successfully seduced me a couple of weeks ago. That is somewhat unbelievable. I haven't sorted out the feelings on that. At some level that is numb, I feel betrayed, and I feel shame and guilt. I don't know if it's best I not feel at the moment. I feel a little overwhelmed with feelings.
I am seeing someone now, seriously considering leaving my husband -- not for the other person, although there is talk of "our future." Rather I am beginning to see that there has been truth all along in my feeling that there is something missing in my life and in my marriage. The age old question arises -- do I accept what is, or do I reach out for something more? That something more feels challenging, sometimes in a good way, at other times in an uncomfortable way.
I don't know, just felt the need to connect here, to this old confessional. Only one person calls me Rae anymore. But I still know who Rae is.