Sunday, July 16, 2006

After a long time and stuff

It's funny that after all this time, there are times when I get anxious and can feel myself, in boredom or in loneliness, wanting to go out in search of someone new. I don't want to do anything but just play with them ... maybe just online, probably so. I just want something to fill the void. But even when I try now, I can't really get the hit.
My sponsor in the sex addiction recovery program successfully seduced me a couple of weeks ago. That is somewhat unbelievable. I haven't sorted out the feelings on that. At some level that is numb, I feel betrayed, and I feel shame and guilt. I don't know if it's best I not feel at the moment. I feel a little overwhelmed with feelings.
I am seeing someone now, seriously considering leaving my husband -- not for the other person, although there is talk of "our future." Rather I am beginning to see that there has been truth all along in my feeling that there is something missing in my life and in my marriage. The age old question arises -- do I accept what is, or do I reach out for something more? That something more feels challenging, sometimes in a good way, at other times in an uncomfortable way.
I don't know, just felt the need to connect here, to this old confessional. Only one person calls me Rae anymore. But I still know who Rae is.


Summer said...

I thought you had disappeared. As always, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'll keep you close in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

yur sponsor seduced you? that is unbelievable like you say and also he is taking advantage of the crisis you are living now. ask him to get the hell of out of your life you need people to support you not to abuse you. good luck.

i suggest you a marriage counseling. why looking for someone else and complicating your life more and more? you better solve what you have at home insteas of looking for more trouble. just a thought. good luck. talk to a professional in the matter (phsycologist, pastor, priest). smell the coffee!!!!

Rae said...

Hi Summer and my anonymous reader.

Yes, yes, I'm still around. Like you, Summer, I continue to live the way I live ... not so much by choice, but because of the ties that bind me. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.

Dear Anonymous, I see a counselor every week. Slowly but surely thoughts are changing. People who have never been through what I have been through say things like ... make your marriage work. It doesn't make them wrong or right ... just unable to see things from my perspective.

Thanks for your thoughts though. I pray that you never have to know things from my perspective.

Sounds like a victim doesn't it? I don't like to sound like that.