Protection and discovery

It just occurred to me as I was writing my story to a group of women in another recovery group that I may have chosen married men to act out with as a way to get back at my mother for not protecting me from my stepfather. More pointedly, I have always denied in my mind that my mother knew what my stepfather was doing to me all those years. But I know that one night in our small house I heard my father trying to get my mother to have sex with him and she was denying him and he told her, “If you don’t give it to me, I’m going to go get it from your daughter, I already did that once today.” I don’t remember if she gave in, I’m sure she did. What a f*cking @sshole my stepfather was.

All the men I acted out with had told me that their marriages had become stale, that their wives no longer satisfied them sexually. I would listen like a loving friend and then give them the sexual excitement they were looking for.

I was continuing to carry out the role of protecting my mother from my stepfather and giving my stepfather what he needed in hopes that he would be happy with me, love me sincerely.

Interesting what comes to the surface when we work through these things. It’s also interesting that I first wrote that I said I was getting back and my mother and it turned into me protecting her from the demon that lived inside my stepfather.

My previous therapist helped me to realize that I always grew up feeling responsible for my whole family. I never thought it went this far.

I remember always thinking about the wives of the men I had sex with – but rarely with much guilt. I just would wonder if they were naïve to their husband’s behavior or are happy that he is getting it elsewhere and leaving them alone. I would sometimes think of what they would say if they found out, and often got answers to that in my recovery meetings where men who had been caught would show up for a few meetings to pacify their wives’ anger.

Remembering

I just read something a friend wrote about passed love. I couldn't help but think of R.

I know that all things happen as they happen. And I'm thankful to be in a calm place today.

I haven't forgotten or understood. But I am living my life ... the one that was presented to me.

Bubbling up from the inside

It seems like so much is coming at me all at once ... all good stuff (for the most part).

This morning my husband said a couple of things to me about the house being in a mess and I reacted with anger. I told him that I wanted him to treat me like an adult, not like a child. Then I also explained that what he had said affected my self esteem, because I felt guilty and shameful for not doing a better job of keeping up with the housework considering that I'm not currently working. Then a bit later he came to me and talked to me as he often does in a cooing voice like someone might speak to a little kid. It was, as it always is ... so irritating to me, even though it is his way of trying to soothe things.

I spent some time thinking ... "Why does this bother me so much?" And I realized ... first of all, I never was a kid. I was always "responsible" for holding my family together, by hiding my sexual abuse (or so my stepfather told me in those private moments when he would incest me), I was also responsible for my younger sister, I was told. Because I began to use food to "stuff" my emotions at a young age, I was always fat, so never really fit in with kids my age. But I could impress the adults around me with my maturity, my brightness and my sense of responsibility. So, I spent more time with adults than with kids my age. Second of all ... I didn't like my childhood and I don't want to feel like a child. I feel that children are not really loved, they are just placated. (My inner child speaking)

So, then I spent some time thinking ... OK how do I get my husband to stop doing this? Then I realized ... It's not him who you (in healthy circumstances) need to change. I need to change myself and my attitudes. I'll have to work on that.

Next, I started thinking about how the cards of my life have come together ... I never told anyone about my sexual abuse until after my mother died when I was 25. I wrote a note in a journal this morning, "My mother died so I could tell my story." That's pretty deep stuff that didn't come from my concious self. What did come from my concious self was that I have always tried to maintain that sense of responsibility for my sister. My stepfather is her biological father, and I never wanted her to think she had such a monster who could begin molesting children at 3 years old for a father. I hadn't had a real father in my life. I wanted life to be different for her.

I have always felt guilty that I was the successful one in our family -- the one who graduated from college first and made a career for herself. But then after a few years, my depression and addiction took care of all that. Suddenly I became unsuccessful ... was it perhaps because I have always felt that my sister hated me for being successful and that's why she rebelled? She has made tons of poor choices in her life, and I've blamed them all on myself because I feel like she did them to "get back" at me.

It's amazing how all these things are rising to the surface, so fast that my fingers can't hardly keep up with it all. But I have to tell you ... I am so thankful it is coming to the surface, so I can begin the process of dealing with it ... and learning how to heal.

Friday

"Here's an eye opening, mind opening question to ask myself: What am I doing with what I've got? Instead of crying over what I don't have, and wishing my life were different, what am I doing with what I've got?" from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

I spent Wednesday and Thursday crying my eyes out over R. -- feeling all I have lost, all S. has gained, how much better his life is with her, but what am I left. PITY PARTY.

Before an Al-Anon meeting at noon, I treated myself to a pedicure and went to the meeting where the topic was gratitude.

I started realizing ... I need to focus on what I HAVE and what I'm going to do with that, so that I can move forward from here.

I called R. in the afternoon and asked if he would feel OK if we didn't talk for a couple of weeks and just focus on what we each have going on in our current lives. I had already talked to him in the morning and told him I was having a rough time. I just want to focus on my current life, my life with my husband ...

My husband who came and sat next to me today and talked to me like a friend and then bought us tickets to a play next weekend and booked a trip to Denver for us in a couple of months. He was going to go and visit his nephew ... but instead thought it a better idea that we go on a trip by ourselves. I appreciated that.

Of course, still every hour or so ... I have a thought of R. I was folding and putting away clothes ... thinking of the last time I wore each item of clothing, usually it was somewhere with R. It's all euphoric recall ... I know that. I'm not thinking of the times I was sitting on his couch in a t-shirt in tears feeling like a horrible person because I couldn't give him what he wanted in so many ways, never caring that he also couldn't give me some of what I needed.

Update

I felt depressed all day today ... spent a lot of the day crying ... didn't take a shower, go out of the house at all. I did some good recovery work last night, some good journaling, and did get a few things done in the house today ... but overall just felt like shit today.

Tonight I made the mistake of signing on to the e-mail that I used to exchange e-mails with R. on. I noticed that today is the one month anniversary of when he first met S. He danced with her on that first day, and watched chick flicks and even went to church with her. That was the first day they ever met. A 12 hour date.

On Monday he called me to tell me how the weekend had gone ... confirmed that they had made love, that it was good, that she made it special, just like I did for our first time. He told me a bunch of crap they did ... but right now I'm just irritated and don't even want to remember it all. I know it involved him going to church with her again and even meeting her pastor for a "fellowship" yesterday at a local coffee house. Whatever.

On Tuesday he texted me to say he had broken up with her and then told me in the evening that he had left because she said she was having some confusing feelings. I understood why it was hard for him ... just like Deja Vu all over again. Of course, I had no doubt... they'd be back together. He said she'd been calling him all day, and I knew he'd go there and they'd talk and work things out.

And this morning he called and confirmed that was all true.

This afternoon he sent me a text message saying "My love will be with you always." What the f. ever. It doesn't matter.

I am doing my best to feel the pain and not try to run from it. I know walking through the fire is the only way I'm going to get to the other side.

I had met a woman for coffee on Monday that I had spent a lot of time intriguing with ... but I wrote her today and told her that I was sorry -- I realized I had been trying to get into another "relationship" in order to alleviate the pain of the last one. I apologized for leading her on, but I felt proud of recognizing what had happened and being able to handle it honestly.

I applied for my first job here today. I really am not getting that worked up about getting a job ... but this one seemed to fit my interests, so I thought I'd apply and see what happens.

OK, I feel sleepy, so I think I'll let sleep do its trick.