Friday

"Here's an eye opening, mind opening question to ask myself: What am I doing with what I've got? Instead of crying over what I don't have, and wishing my life were different, what am I doing with what I've got?" from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

I spent Wednesday and Thursday crying my eyes out over R. -- feeling all I have lost, all S. has gained, how much better his life is with her, but what am I left. PITY PARTY.

Before an Al-Anon meeting at noon, I treated myself to a pedicure and went to the meeting where the topic was gratitude.

I started realizing ... I need to focus on what I HAVE and what I'm going to do with that, so that I can move forward from here.

I called R. in the afternoon and asked if he would feel OK if we didn't talk for a couple of weeks and just focus on what we each have going on in our current lives. I had already talked to him in the morning and told him I was having a rough time. I just want to focus on my current life, my life with my husband ...

My husband who came and sat next to me today and talked to me like a friend and then bought us tickets to a play next weekend and booked a trip to Denver for us in a couple of months. He was going to go and visit his nephew ... but instead thought it a better idea that we go on a trip by ourselves. I appreciated that.

Of course, still every hour or so ... I have a thought of R. I was folding and putting away clothes ... thinking of the last time I wore each item of clothing, usually it was somewhere with R. It's all euphoric recall ... I know that. I'm not thinking of the times I was sitting on his couch in a t-shirt in tears feeling like a horrible person because I couldn't give him what he wanted in so many ways, never caring that he also couldn't give me some of what I needed.