It seems like so much is coming at me all at once ... all good stuff (for the most part).
This morning my husband said a couple of things to me about the house being in a mess and I reacted with anger. I told him that I wanted him to treat me like an adult, not like a child. Then I also explained that what he had said affected my self esteem, because I felt guilty and shameful for not doing a better job of keeping up with the housework considering that I'm not currently working. Then a bit later he came to me and talked to me as he often does in a cooing voice like someone might speak to a little kid. It was, as it always is ... so irritating to me, even though it is his way of trying to soothe things.
I spent some time thinking ... "Why does this bother me so much?" And I realized ... first of all, I never was a kid. I was always "responsible" for holding my family together, by hiding my sexual abuse (or so my stepfather told me in those private moments when he would incest me), I was also responsible for my younger sister, I was told. Because I began to use food to "stuff" my emotions at a young age, I was always fat, so never really fit in with kids my age. But I could impress the adults around me with my maturity, my brightness and my sense of responsibility. So, I spent more time with adults than with kids my age. Second of all ... I didn't like my childhood and I don't want to feel like a child. I feel that children are not really loved, they are just placated. (My inner child speaking)
So, then I spent some time thinking ... OK how do I get my husband to stop doing this? Then I realized ... It's not him who you (in healthy circumstances) need to change. I need to change myself and my attitudes. I'll have to work on that.
Next, I started thinking about how the cards of my life have come together ... I never told anyone about my sexual abuse until after my mother died when I was 25. I wrote a note in a journal this morning, "My mother died so I could tell my story." That's pretty deep stuff that didn't come from my concious self. What did come from my concious self was that I have always tried to maintain that sense of responsibility for my sister. My stepfather is her biological father, and I never wanted her to think she had such a monster who could begin molesting children at 3 years old for a father. I hadn't had a real father in my life. I wanted life to be different for her.
I have always felt guilty that I was the successful one in our family -- the one who graduated from college first and made a career for herself. But then after a few years, my depression and addiction took care of all that. Suddenly I became unsuccessful ... was it perhaps because I have always felt that my sister hated me for being successful and that's why she rebelled? She has made tons of poor choices in her life, and I've blamed them all on myself because I feel like she did them to "get back" at me.
It's amazing how all these things are rising to the surface, so fast that my fingers can't hardly keep up with it all. But I have to tell you ... I am so thankful it is coming to the surface, so I can begin the process of dealing with it ... and learning how to heal.
2 months ago