Protection and discovery

It just occurred to me as I was writing my story to a group of women in another recovery group that I may have chosen married men to act out with as a way to get back at my mother for not protecting me from my stepfather. More pointedly, I have always denied in my mind that my mother knew what my stepfather was doing to me all those years. But I know that one night in our small house I heard my father trying to get my mother to have sex with him and she was denying him and he told her, “If you don’t give it to me, I’m going to go get it from your daughter, I already did that once today.” I don’t remember if she gave in, I’m sure she did. What a f*cking @sshole my stepfather was.

All the men I acted out with had told me that their marriages had become stale, that their wives no longer satisfied them sexually. I would listen like a loving friend and then give them the sexual excitement they were looking for.

I was continuing to carry out the role of protecting my mother from my stepfather and giving my stepfather what he needed in hopes that he would be happy with me, love me sincerely.

Interesting what comes to the surface when we work through these things. It’s also interesting that I first wrote that I said I was getting back and my mother and it turned into me protecting her from the demon that lived inside my stepfather.

My previous therapist helped me to realize that I always grew up feeling responsible for my whole family. I never thought it went this far.

I remember always thinking about the wives of the men I had sex with – but rarely with much guilt. I just would wonder if they were naïve to their husband’s behavior or are happy that he is getting it elsewhere and leaving them alone. I would sometimes think of what they would say if they found out, and often got answers to that in my recovery meetings where men who had been caught would show up for a few meetings to pacify their wives’ anger.