I felt depressed all day today ... spent a lot of the day crying ... didn't take a shower, go out of the house at all. I did some good recovery work last night, some good journaling, and did get a few things done in the house today ... but overall just felt like shit today.
Tonight I made the mistake of signing on to the e-mail that I used to exchange e-mails with R. on. I noticed that today is the one month anniversary of when he first met S. He danced with her on that first day, and watched chick flicks and even went to church with her. That was the first day they ever met. A 12 hour date.
On Monday he called me to tell me how the weekend had gone ... confirmed that they had made love, that it was good, that she made it special, just like I did for our first time. He told me a bunch of crap they did ... but right now I'm just irritated and don't even want to remember it all. I know it involved him going to church with her again and even meeting her pastor for a "fellowship" yesterday at a local coffee house. Whatever.
On Tuesday he texted me to say he had broken up with her and then told me in the evening that he had left because she said she was having some confusing feelings. I understood why it was hard for him ... just like Deja Vu all over again. Of course, I had no doubt... they'd be back together. He said she'd been calling him all day, and I knew he'd go there and they'd talk and work things out.
And this morning he called and confirmed that was all true.
This afternoon he sent me a text message saying "My love will be with you always." What the f. ever. It doesn't matter.
I am doing my best to feel the pain and not try to run from it. I know walking through the fire is the only way I'm going to get to the other side.
I had met a woman for coffee on Monday that I had spent a lot of time intriguing with ... but I wrote her today and told her that I was sorry -- I realized I had been trying to get into another "relationship" in order to alleviate the pain of the last one. I apologized for leading her on, but I felt proud of recognizing what had happened and being able to handle it honestly.
I applied for my first job here today. I really am not getting that worked up about getting a job ... but this one seemed to fit my interests, so I thought I'd apply and see what happens.
OK, I feel sleepy, so I think I'll let sleep do its trick.
1 week ago