Thursday, December 08, 2005

Where I am Today

So, I'm back to my old tricks ... it's no surprise. Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time, knows that I have these ups and downs ... periods of so-called "sobriety" where I live like a normal human being, followed by self sabotage. It's the story of my life actually. I've battled the same struggle with weight loss.

I sat down to write about my escapades, but somehow I'm even now ashamed to write about the myriad of men I have entertained and the hours I have spent pursuing them. I still say "I want my life back, I just want to be normal." But I have not done what it takes to make that happen.

It's all simple actually, tell the truth ... be honest, live an honest life, never do anything behind someone's back that you wouldn't do in front of their face. How hard could that possibly be? I ask myself that question ... and find nothing but fear. So, what am I afraid of? Afraid of losing control ... ha ha ... isn't that funny? My life is spinning out of control and I'm afraid to lose control. How bogus.

I haven't given up hope ... in fact these days I'm feeling a bit better. I'm not sure I have more resolve to stop my behavior right now ... but at least a little more a part of the human race. I just have faith that whatever will be will be ... and I've just got to get through this part. Yesterday I told my husband I was on the verge of checking myself into a mental institution. I still am not sure that's not the best answer. But on the other hand, it's probably just me looking for another escape. God knows when I'm going to stop running and start standing on two feet exactly where I am. But I still have faith it will happen. It won't be a miracle ... I'll have to do the work, and there may be disasters bigger than I can imagine before I get there ... but this is where life is. This is where I am today.

1 comment:

Me, Myself and I said...

Happy belated New Year :-)

Best wishes.