"Oh they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise. Oh, they tell me of an unclouded day."
This song is in my head tonight as I think of how I have slipped into the darkness of my disease yet again. I saw the clouds coming ... and I'm not sure I did anything to stop them. Sometimes after all these times of failing, it feels almost useless to try again. When the cloud comes, just let it rain and let the cycle go, it all will pass just as it came.
My interview went well on Friday ... as well as it could for someone who wasted so much time focused on illness rather than success. I tried to focus on preparation ... and I did do some prepatory work, but not nearly as much as I might have. I would pray and ask God to please help me set aside my obsessions and focus on the work I needed to do, but I think the prayers never reached him. Because when I'm acting out, I can't reach my Higher Power. I know this ... But I'm still an addict.
I know I am subconciously trying to numb feelings, or rather do something to harm myself because I don't feel much of what I feel I should be feeling. Sexual highs make me "feel." This may all be psychobabble. I don't know. I don't really feel anything, so I don't know what to believe.
5 months ago