Monday, January 10, 2005

Taking steps

This morning I went to my first SA meeting, which was a step in the right direction. I needed the extra support and found some there, even though they spent a few minutes bashing my other program. One thing I walked away from was a reading in their "big book" about not telling your spouse about your problem right away. I also walked away knowing that I was glad I found my group first, because this program is way too vigorous on the religion and abstinence side. Had I enrolled in it right away I know I would not have come as far as I have. I would have walked away. I wouldn't have been able to stomach it and buy into it.

I came home and wrote a final goodbye letter to G. None of it felt "normal," but I felt compelled. Now, I have to get used to it. Used to the idea that I really am not going to have anyone to reach out to when my addiction starts to crave and want. It stings a little bit. I don't feel good about it. But I know I will at some point. I have to get used to the idea that I have to focus on one thing now and that is me and my recovery. I have to start working through the program more diligently.

Every step I take in this process I feel like I'm peeling back one more layer of the onion -- finding out more about me, and getting comfortable with the feeling of "exposed skin."

I feel odd ... out of sorts. I think it must be the letter I wrote. Or maybe it's I'm feeling in limbo. I'm now thinking of quitting my job and living abroad for some time. A few steps to make plans for that trip abroad have already been made. Previously when I've needed to turn to something in these stressful situations, I've turned to sex. That's that last place I can turn now. I need to focus on my work, but I"m still unable.

I can see strides I've made, but I still need to work on my goals of leading a decluttered lifestyle and focusing on the responsibilities of my work. I kinda feel like I'm going to vomit.

One other thing I took from this morning's meeting what something that one of the members of the group said. He said that early on he had trouble picking up the phone to call someone else in the program, but soon realized that his reasons had something to do with his continual avoidance of intimacy. Tonight I have dinner with a friend, I know it will be awkward, because I don't feel comfortable with people anymore. I have given up my feeling of complete comfort with others for sexual escapade after sexual escapade that wasn't worth shit.

I'm getting better not worse, and I refuse to wallow around in self-pity though. I will work to have a good time tonight and to begin to reach out to others. I pray to God for the strength and the clarity tomorrow to focus on my work. I pray for my heart to be opened to opportunity to hear and to be heard and to love, as love was intended.

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