Wednesday, June 16, 2004

The real NP Day

Well, NP called yesterday to say we had to reschedule our session, which was no problem with me. I'll meet with her today. It's just one more day that I haven't been able to stand on my own two feet and respect myself enough to say no.
This morning I met S. in the empty apartment he is helping one of his friends move in to. We had awesome sex and now I'm at work. Yesterday I was trying to explain to him that I need to try to work things out with my husband, rather than screw around with him (since he thinks he's the only one I'm screwing around with). And of course he said, "I understand, I understand. You should try harder with your husband. You shouldn't leave him. But I don't want to lose you either." Tomorrow I meet BCD for the evening and if all goes well I'll meet J. the next morning. It's endless, this cycle. And I feel closer to E. than I ever have. So, essentially, since I saw NP last, which was eight days ago, I've had four encounters with three different guys and have two more lined up.
I did try to call the co-dependency support group number yesterday ... but the person there said there is no group meeting at this time. She gave me another number to call, but I waited too late to call them.
Continually, I cannot focus on what I need to focus because I'm thinking about all these people and when I'll see them next, and how I'll arrange to do it, and if no one is online, then who I'm going to talk to. I think I mentioned in my last entry that I started talking to a new guy in BPA and last night, after standing by my statement that I was just looking for friends on, I said my mind wasn't closed to a physical relationship. And, I even was willing to overlook the fact that he said he's not satisfied with overweight women and continue the discussion. Somehow, in some ways, I feel more comfortable and less agitated than I have in a while. I've been more productive at work, but not as productive as I need to be. And this draw to see out people online is just not going away. I guess one of the reasons I feel better, is that I know that somehow this will all work itself out and that I'll come out a stronger person for it.

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