Withdrawal

This is seriously like having the f'ing DT's. I am so distracted by my desire to go online and talk with someone, to connect in someway with somebody, even if it's through e-mail. It's just crazy!

And of course I didn't resist my urge to talk to E. yesterday and then he starts sharing that we have the same problem, that he's also addicted to chat and chat rooms and can't pry himself away.

Saw NP last night and she said to be careful, that he may just be saying what he thinks I want to hear so I won't leave him in the dust.

Got a note from M. last night that relieved me of my decision of whether to see him today. He said it didn't feel right. I wrote him a long letter this morning and thanked him for his emotional strength. As with all things, I have wanted to hear back from him this morning, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Even if he's going online, it looks like he's hiding. In one way, he's a total chicken shit. But, I do believe that he's emotionally strong.

So, I'm trying like crazy to stay away from talking to E. This morning when I signed on I had an e-mail from him that said our chat caused him to think about a lot of things, so I signed on to hear them, but told him, I'm off by 9:30 and stuck with it. But then, of course, I signed in under invisible and checked to see if he and IM'd me back, which he did and said it's good that I stuck with my parameters and that he'd talk to me in my next round.

One question he asked me yesterday was what NP thought of what he and I were doing. It was clearly an effort to see if she was the one who was trying to cause me to stop seeing him. If I evaluate it ... he's does not want me to leave because he wants to maintain the control, the power. He's very, very good at that.

I'm trying to accomplish a few things at work today, but it's not really working. I'm so distracted. But, I'm still going to work at it. No one said it was going to be easy.