Friday, June 25, 2004

The morning

NP always wants to know what I feel rather than what I have done. Sometimes I find the answer difficult, because it sometimes seems that I feel nothing ... no emotion. Maybe I feel angry, but it's not true anger, like rage, it's more like frustration. Sometimes I feel disappointed and sad, and even once or twice, I've felt happy. (I'm talking about lately.)
This morning as I take off work to prepare for a picnic that we are hosting for friends, I feel mainly uninterested. But it just occurred to me that especially since my husband has felt disappointed that a few of his friends could not or would not make it, that my lack of interest must also be disappointing to him. I am rarely a person to be wrapped up in myself. But it's hard to be wrapped up in him when he never shares how he feels unless it is anger. In reading the material on codependency, I need to just "live and let live." Basically, whatever he feels and however he reacts is his way. Clinton in interviews about his book has said that even couples who ultimately divorce should go through counseling. I sometimes think that ultimately, after all, that my husband and I will divorce. There's just simply not enough interaction. I'm tempted to ask him to go for counseling, but the time hasn't come for that.

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