Sunday, June 13, 2004

Catching up

Sometimes now it seems like the weeks pass without notice. It's now Sunday morning and I realize I'll see NP on Tuesday and I've not really made any progress. One of the things she is definitely doing right is setting goals with me each week. Even my husband has focused in on that. He'll say "What are you supposed to work on this week." Since the Internet addiction is the major thing, I can't always say ... but at least he's asking what I'm supposed to be working toward. The other thing is that NP keeps almost acting surprised that I keep on coming. I don't know if this is part of her tactics or honesty. But having a meeting with her each week gives me something to focus on. Even with her, pleasing is important.

And I guess this week that's probably one thing that has rang true in my personality is my desire to please people. One thing NP honed in on last week was when I said "I just can't say no" to E. And it's true. I just never want to say no and can't really force myself. This week I made a real effort to tell S. we're not going to see each other any more, and it's frankly simply because I'm not interested. We have one sided conversations and those too are boring. And if what I am doing were for the sex, he wouldn't be in the top 10. Of course, I don't know who would be in the top 10 other than G. for his performance, because all in all, it's about my performance and I make it that way.

I'm trying to let thoughts flow here, and so many are coming to mind they'll be jumbled ... I have to remind myself that I'm writing for me.

Talking about conversation with S. raises the thought of one thing that is bothering me in life, not in my current situation necessarily, it that following the onset of my seizure disorder I began taking Dilantin (which i wonder at times if it causes depression. Since that point, my short term memory and particularly my attention span is completely out of whack. I used to have an amazing memory and an inordinate level of caring for people. I would think about them when they were suffering and remember to call them. It's been more than a week since April's father passed and I haven't called, i haven't done anything except e-mail her back on that day. I remember how horrified I was when my mom died and my best friend at the time did not take the time to come to the funeral. But I can't seem to focus. A major thing right now is this internet issue ... just constantly wanting to be in touch with people online. But in general life it's hard to focus to remain focused and to accomplish things. I don't seem in control of my mind and my brain function and part of that is the medication. Yet, somehow I'm managing to have conversations and experiences with all these men. I don't know.

My husband said last week or maybe the week before, two things of note. One was, "Well, it just seems you need to go back to (my home state)." I took special note of the fact that he only said "you." The other thing is relevant here in that he said it seems like ever since I had my first seizure I lost my self esteem. I think he's right to some extent, especially if you can describe self-esteem as will.

To the subject of my week, I'll start with an experience with E. yesterday. It was basically unplanned, and I did have the guts to call of whatever fun he had planned for coming in my office in the middle of the day for a hummer this week. I just told him it wouldn't work, I had to work on a project. But yesterday we were talking online ... he had told me he would be on and I specifically went on to contact him. We talked and somehow the conversation of how quick and rushed our time together is. He said, "Do those quickies bother you." I replied, "No, but sometimes I wish I didn't feel so rushed, so I could take care of you." Honestly, that's true... but the real reason I want to "take care of him" is because I want it to feel like something more than meeting to give him a BJ. So anyway, the conversation goes on a bit and he gets called away for awhile, then says "i'll be back in 45 secs." then three customers come in and he says it will be longer and I say "It's Ok, I know you don't want to talk to me." Really only joking, but he took it personally I guess and said when he came back that he was "sensitive today." So within a few minutes he asks if I can meet him at his office, and explains we'd only have 15 minutes -- which we haven't had more than that more than once ... the time we're actually together is usually maximum a half hour. Well the fact that I've just said I want more and that he's still willing to ask if I want to do a quickie sort of sparks a tick in me, and I don't respond for a few moments, then say "we're both feeling sensitive today." then we get into this big discussion about him wanting me to tell him what I mean and I just say ... no, let's meet. He was saying, "You're making me feel like this is all about me." Oh yeah, who did you think it was about, asshole? Anyway, long story short, we met, I performed ... and this is the thing, things are always so rushed that he just wants to go hard at it until he cums... which is not my style at all. And he was still trying to do this control thing yesterday holding my head, suffocating me. So then after a while he says, "I just don't think I'm going to cum." Well I wouldn't quit, wouldn't give up. I was going to make him cum after all this, period. So finally I pushed him back in the chair and did things my way, with a bit of his way combined and it happened. I was so glad it did, because the last thing I would have wanted to feel that day would have been that sense of failure. Somehow I think in this story, it's always going to come back to E. he was the beginning.

I was with J. twice this week. Both times were amazing. Even though things were a bit rushed and I think there were times he wanted to grab hold like e. he gave me my time. But more than that ... he is just constantly reassuring. He has just enough lack of self confidence to be endearing, and enough "it feels amazing to be with yous" to make him feel really good. Things may change.. they usually do.

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