Friday, June 18, 2004

Time passes on

As I look at the old issues of Time magazine sitting in the front office, and go through some old issues of the newspaper sitting on my desk, I realize how many things have gone on without my notice over the past few months. Over these months that I have been obsessed with chatting with men online and meeting them offline, a war has been raging and our country has continued to deteriorate at the hands of an arrogant and greedy president. Politics, current events, and social issues are my passion -- but I've barely skimmed the headlines and rarely even picked up the news magazines to read a few lines, to toss them aside to spend time online. I don't know how I am going to pull myself away from this. But I know that I have to. I have to set some limitations for myself. NP gave me some good materials for that at our last session. I need to read those and try to set my mind over the weekend to control myself at work. I think I can control myself at home with my husband's help. Even though he doesn't know, I have let him know I don't want to waste too much time online.
My first encounter with E. was on April 12. That was my first extramarital experience. Since then I honestly could not even name all the men I have met and been with. Only a few I've actually had sex with, but plenty that I've shared my oral talents with. Even as late as today, I made a date with M. to come to visit him next week, knowing that next week is my target for ending everything. I think he's that one last experience I want to have. But somehow, I don't think it's going to happen. I want to meet him, to make our friendship real, but I don't want to have sex with him and I don't think he is truly attracted to me ... just the thought of "getting some relief."
OK, I'm not getting offline by blogging, but wanted to write these thoughts while they are with me. Sunday is Father's Day and I haven't even bought my dad a card, much less sent it. I used to be such a thoughtful person. I didn't even send a thank you to the other B's for inviting us for dinner last week. There's a lot of talk by NP in breaking this addiction about replacing this behaviour with something else. Nothing else excites me. Nothing else appeals to me or holds my attention. I don't know what to do. I literally feel trapped.

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