Friday, June 11, 2004

Emotions out of control

My range of emotions over the past day has been out of control. I became very angry with my boss yesterday for putting me, his daughter and the university in a very bad spot, all for his own personal gain. I was angry to the point of feeling that I would explode. After I finished up a meeting at 5 p.m. with one of the professors I went back to the office to do some work. Ultimately, what I did was find a new chat partner from friendfinder.com. I even paid the $40 to join friendfinder. This was not a good suggestion on NP’s part, as even if there is opportunity to make new friends of both genders, I am automatically going to be drawn to the male gender and online conversation between men and women always goes to sex and romance. While talking to this new guy RFD, who had the familiarity of being from the South, I also had a fairly short conversation with M. He hurt my feelings in a major way, basically implying I was stalking him because I timed my leaving so that we could wave to one another on the interstate. That hurt of my feelings stung all the way on my drive home. My husband was pretty upset with me that I had stayed at work so long. This morning he told me he thinks I’m not keeping my priorities straight, that I should be focused on following through with what I am getting from my counseling sessions, should be working on exercise and looking for a job. He’s exactly right. Exactly right. But last night, all I really needed was to be held. Somehow I wasn’t finding the right words to say that last night. But I did manage to ask him very sincerely to come to bed with me. When he did, he just laid there, probably thinking about work and I started to cry beyond control. He asked me why I was crying, but I couldn’t tell him. We did talk this morning though and I told him that while his advice was on target, change is not easy (realizing that’s no excuse, I said). And much more than the advice, I need his hug, his reassurance, and his physical and verbal reminder that I am loved and supported. It’s a first step. I also need romance and many other things, but this is a start. I am still not fully convinced that I will get those “other things” from him … a feeling of deep intimacy and sharing. I’m just not sure that it’s in him. But I do know I have his love.

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