Friday, June 18, 2004

Friday afternoon

Well, wouldn't NP be proud of the past 24 hours? And the thing is ... I feel numb to the fact that I rented a hotel room to be with BCD for the first time yesterday afternoon, had an excuse to be out until 11 and got "finished" with him by 6:30 or 7, so called this new guy in BPA, went to dinner with him, brought him back to the room and blew his mind (and something else) and then went home, woke my husband, went to bed, got up this morning and met J. in the same room. So, three guys for a mere $71.
I wrote to one of my faithful readers ... I am so numb to it all, that I barely know how to feel at this point. Do I enjoy what I'm doing ... yeah, it's fun. Am I getting anything from it, not a damn thing. I was thinking on the drive to work -- I barely can remember what J. looks like when I'm not with him. I doubt I'll remember what BCD looks like in a week. I'll never see him again.
If I'm lucky, I'll never see any of these guys again. I was trying to build up will on the drive in to say goodbye ... a true goodbye to E. But at the very same time, I'm thinking of writing him today ... after having three cocks in my mouth over the past three days ... and ask "is your cock available today?" We sometimes meet on Friday afternoons.
NP had said the other day, that I'm likely in the denial stage of addiction, and that in that stage sometimes we feel like we'll just have that one big binge ... hmm hmm, seems like today qualifies ... and then quit. She didn't follow through to say if the quitting actually happens. On one hand, I think I can quit if I want to, on the other hand, I don't feel that I want to. I think, what the hell? And I keep mulling in my mind that someday I will have to pay for this. And even the consequences don't seem enough to stop me.
How did I get here? I don't feel guilty, I don't feel scared, I don't feel anything but anticipation. How did I get here?

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