Saturday, June 05, 2004

Saturday night

Just back from Delaware. Had a good time except that it rained all day and we didn't get to do anything outside. We did go to a nice Farmer's Market though.

In the morning as we drove, I was trying to talk to my husband about a couple of political issues. He was talking away, giving his opinion, and then I started responding and it soon became clear that he was not even listening. Then I said something else and he interrupted me, refuting a point I wasn't even trying to make. Of course, this made me clam up. The reason? Because when he doesn't listen to me it seems to me that he doesn't think I'm saying anything relevant and that I don't have the brains to understand what is relevant.

Throughout the day he was very anti-social with our friends. Part of it was that he had a headache, but he doesn't like these friends for some reason. And part of that reason is because I do like them. The male in the couple is his long time college friend. He and I became very close after we moved here. My husband didn't like that and basically told me to either stop being friends with him or face him being mad about it every time I spoke with his friend. He said he was a very private person and didn't want me to be friends with his friend. So then this friend got married and now he doesn't seem to like his wife either. It always seems that I am holding up both his and my ends of the conversation.

Last night we enjoyed a nice lovemaking session ... or I should say he enjoyed a nice treat, and as soon as his part was over he started asking me to look at the condition of his skin (he's had some problems) in his groin area. There is no concern about my pleasure and the ability to continue the intimacy beyond orgasm is simply not there. I don't really know how to change this without just blurting out something hurtful.

It's amazing the Ronald Reagan is the first U.S. president to die since 1994.


Greg said...

Just to make sure I have it all straight, R. is your husband/other? And I'd guess yer up around MD or Pa. How old are you, if I may ask. And if he is such a dick, why are you still with him? He has some traits my wife has, which is sad.

Rae said...


Yes, R. is my husband of six years. Of course, because you are reading my online journal, you are reading the worst of him. But the worst of him is tearing our marriage apart day by day ... and honestly, I do want to hold it together. Why? I think at this point, I just want to make sure I'm not going through a phase, to not give up so easily. Plus, if anything, I need time to build courage. It's scary right? Just stepping away from what was your life.
Of course, I'm not helping things by meeting other men I meet online two or three times a week. He of course does not know this ... and I'm trying to change it, but part of the reason I started it was thinking that if I can get some of what I need elsewhere, maybe I can survive in the marriage. Of course, what I'm finding elsewhere is sex, but no more intimacy and caring, and in some case much less respect (who could blame them, right) than I'm getting at home. But now I'm stuck in a web of addiction. I'm doing better in the effort to break away ... I think.