Wednesday, June 02, 2004

The morning after

I took the plunge this morning and told my husband that I was seeing a counselor. He reacted coolly, but in a way I know was supportive. I feel better having told him. All I need is one more thing to hide.

And as I told him, the counseling sessions are helping. I think the largest breakthrough in my mind from yesterday was that what I have been blaming largely on the how I am feeling about my marriage and to some extent the relocation really is much larger than that, and that the solutions are larger as well. And, somehow, just knowing that or feeling clarified in that has given me some hope that there are solutions. I think I had begun to feel as if there were no answer, that it was either bail completely or live a life that didn’t feel much like living, to feel trapped. I realize fully that there are still many hurdles to overcome, and much courage to rebuild. But I feel that there is an opportunity for opening up my world again.

One thing that is bothering me is that I don’t really think NP has experience in this area of Internet addiction and I’m not sure she knows how devastating it is. Of course, I don’t think that someone has ever had to take a drink to support and counsel an alcoholic, but somehow I don’t think that her expertise in the area of addiction rolls over into this particular area. I’m wondering if I should ask her to bring in another counselor for team counseling on this subject. Maybe I’ll see how things progress first and what I can do on my own. One thing I was thinking about this morning was that in having this addiction it’s like I can’t realize that there is other work to do. For example, this morning, I need to do laundry, but I am drawn to the computer. One point is that I want to write my feelings while they are fresh, but I am also drawn to the idea of talking to Md., who is typically on at this time. I’ll have to find my own way of dealing with that, which basically will involve discipline, one thing I don’t have much of.

For this morning, I’m proud of myself for telling my husband about the counseling sessions and proud that I said, “I knew it was something I needed and it is something I want to continue.”

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