I feel a bit pathetic when after being out doing normal things, I walk through the door and can think of nothing more than getting to the computer to check messages. I even now feel that my husband is trying to run a bit faster than me to the computer, so he has his time to read the news and check e-mail too.
I have exchanged e-mails with a couple of people in an online support group for people with IAD (Internet Addiction Disorder) and it seems like we can at least exchange thoughts. One of the people, Ian, has made a pact to stay offline at least on Sundays. I agree to join him in the effort and we'll exchange thoughts on Monday about how we did. Another person in the amazingly small group is a woman and facing many of the same issues I am, minus the fact that she is not meeting men offline, only chatting with them online.
Throughout today as I tried to go about the normal means of business, I thought endlessly of how I was going to go cold turkey and really try to nip this addiction in the bud. All I could think of was how I'm going to tell certain people, particularly E. goodbye. I just can't stop going over the conversation in my head and imagining the reaction of various people who I will tell. There's something to be said for just erasing the account and walking away, but I'm under the dilusion that someone actually gives a shit.
NP has given me suggestions for a lot of reading material. However, I can't concentrate on reading it. For one thing, I fall asleep every time I sit down and for the other, I don't think I want to read it, because I don't think I want to stop. I did read some of the stuff she gave me about Internet addiction, and it's amazing how much of it fits me to a tee. The tests say, "If you have experienced three or more of these (10) criteria in the past three months you are likely suffering from IAD." I matched about 9 of 10.
During our last session NP talked about denial. I think what I am in the biggest denial about how much my behaviour over the past three months would hurt my husband I guess I have myself convinced that even if he found out, he'd simply be understanding. And, in a way, that makes it even worse, to think I'm taking advantage of such a good soul.
One key to overcoming whatever problems I have -- and they are broader than this addiction -- is setting goals. For that reason, I think this guy in the support group who has set an Internet-free Sunday will be a good influence. In order to help me meet that goal, I'm setting a secondary goal to write some long overdue letters to family and friends.
My next post will be about losing my religion
2 months ago