Wow! Yesterday was not a good day in terms of my efforts to wean myself from the Internet, get busy with work and focus on weeding some people out of my life instead of introducing someone new.
First of all, I was at the computer all day ... partly for work and a bunch for chatting. Opened the lines for communication with a new guy ... we'll call him J. and got overly excited about meeting him. And then I re-opened lines that I had already shut down a long time ago with BCD to the point that I arranged to meet him next week. And on top of that, I've gained a faithful and very intriguing reader to my blog from Australia. We share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings and have exchanged e-mails and late yesterday began to talk via messenger. He is a recovering Internet addict himself, so he can relate to a lot of what I'm dealing with here as well as in my relationship.
Secondly, last night I went to G.'s house after a semi-late meeting at work. We did have a good converation about where we are in life, where we've been. There's definitely the basis fir a friendship there. It could have just ended there, but no ... almost without thought I kissed him and it went from there. It was an incredible time ... but now have I screwed up what could have been a friendship.
One of the things I talked with G. about is that it feels like my husband really doesn't want me to have friends. When I'm on the phone with someone, he's always asking "Who were you talking to for so long." And the idea of me making a friend and including him in that friendship seems so out of the picture because he's so anti-social unless it is "his" friends. I don't know if this speaks to the issue I wrote about earlier about how I am finding it hard to make friendships without sex being involved.
The same thing is probably true for Martin. We had a long conversation a few days ago and he was trying to figure out where I was coming from ... if I wanted sex or didn't want sex or what. Without going into the details, I told him if the opportunity for sex came up, I wouldn't turn it away.
And look at all these guys I'm having sex with? Geezus! What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me? I don't know ... there is part of me that tries to convince myself that there is nothing, that it is society's standards that are wrong. I have ordered the book that Nanet recommended that is supposed to be some about breaking down those messages. I look forward to reading it.
Speaking of NP, I see her again tonight. She's my therapist. This will be my fourth visit and I thought we were really making progress. I don't know what has triggered this setback. One thing we talked about last week was that I had had four meetings in that week, two with S. and two with E. We talked about scaling that back and trying to avoid that, trying to find other things to do after work so that doesn't happen. And, in fact, I did do that. I was walking after work. And although I may have met S. this week, he's the only one other than G. But I know I'm probably going to meet this guy J. and I already have the meeting set up next week with BCD. Maybe we can talk through some of this tonight and I'll feel better. Maybe I'm taking the wrong approach. Maybe I'm trying to cure the addiciton without figuring out what the root is.
5 months ago