Saturday, May 29, 2004


There are plenty of things I haven't had the chance to write about this week. I think if I compare where I was two weeks ago in regard to my chat addiction, I am much better. I achieved some things at work and spent some time being productive. Still there were days, like Friday, that I could most certainly have been more effective. And, if I consider that on Saturday morning I took some trouble arranging a meeting with S. and then since I was in the neighborhood and had received a message from Mark saying, "I'm missing your kissin'" on Friday -- I arranged to meet him for a quick talk and kiss. Later in the day, Jerry IM'd me again, really trying to convince me to see him again. His wife is going out of town for a few weeks.
I write these things and cannot believe I am the same woman who has spent the day with our friends and with my husband hiking. They came over last night and spent the night. He and I scrambled together like mad to clean the house after they said they were coming. Then we all spent the day hiking and picnicking. It was a good time with good friends. Yet, still tonight, I know that if they were not staying again, I would be in on the computer. Yet, I am still here writing in my journal, my husband is sleeping in the bed beside the table where I am writing, our friends are in the other room, and I can only imagine what any of them would think if they were to read what I have written about my activities for just the past week -- not to mention the past few months. In my mind, I say to myself that I would never, ever want to do anything to hurt my husband and that is the truth as I know it. Yet I can only imagine the devastation I would feel if he were to find out. I think I am numb to that thought. I am easily carrying out this lifestyle and getting away with it. Yet I keep saying to myself, you are choosing every day to live like this and you have to be prepared to live with the consequences. Yet somehow I can't see the consequences. I don't know if it is that I don't want to see them, or if I am living in a dream world or if it really and truly possible to live a life like this without detection. In one way, I guess I think if it is possible to do these things undetected, there is really no one who cares enough to know what is going on in my life.
I keep thinking of something my friend Bill told me a month or so back though -- "Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they can't see you." That sort of whispers in my ear.
NP had asked me to write how I feel about S&E. I wrote about that some in another entry not yet recorded. But I should say plainly that while those are the two guys I see most often at the moment, they certainly aren't the only ones on my radar. Martin, Gordon, and most recently Maj come to mind. Martin, who is there almost every night to say hello, a stable force who clearly has some affection, admiration or something, even if it's only for my nice description of a blow job. Gordon's a nice guy. I could see him being a friend and Maj told me he'd really like to get closer to me -- although I am suspecting he's quite a player.
It's hard to imagine how this is all going to end, what the outcome will be. Somehow I do feel I'm working toward something though.

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