I have my second appointment with NP today, so I wanted to catch up on the events of last week. I did well at the beginning of the week, but by week's end I had three more encounters (two with the same person) and Thursday was almost all day on the computer -- with more work done in between than usual -- debriefing with E., who I called things off with before we left for home on Friday. I should say, I told him, "Let's take a hiatus." I would say overall though, I did much better with the Internet. I didn't allow any additional contacts and I eliminated several from my list. However, I did make one more new RT contact (who I had previously talked to online) and that one is a little iffy at the moment. We were out of town for the weekend and I didn't hear from him.
later that night:
I wanted to record some thoughts from my visit with NP while they were fresh on my mind. It's interesting how pleased I was when she said, "You're intelligent." I have always prided myself on that, but also know that I often times feel stupid by the way my husband talks to me and maybe intimidated by his intelligence. I recall that this weekend I was trying to talk to him and felt he was not really listening to me and said to him, "Do you feel like conversation is like racquetball, you have to have an equally adept partner?" He replied with an essential "yes," although not quite that straightforward.
The other thing that I found interesting was that she said there may be things you want to hide, keep a secret, because you like them and don't want to give them up. Basically, she was saying that I've lived my life in a culture of hiding things. (We talked about my sexual abuse quite extensively today.) I found that interesting that she said that because I was hiding my conversation with S. today, in which he said he was about to be on the streets if he didn't get $12,000 to pay off some back due taxes. His telling me this left me to believe that maybe that was the whole reason he was pursuing me to begin with. It is also true about me hiding things in my life. My poor credit, food that I shouldn't be eating, those things.
NP asked me to write about the way E. and S. make me feel in terms of desiring me. I will do that later on. For now I have to decide between the computer and paying bills.
5 months ago