Not counting days anymore

2004 is almost over. Wow! What a year. I can't believe all that has transpired and how my life has changed. I guess we read a lot about how people go from top successes to beggars on the street. I certainly have learned that addiction can kill a person and rob them of everything good in their lives. I am one of the lucky ones who recognized it right away and was not afraid to say, "I need help."

I took a step yesterday toward further healing after feeling for some time that I've just be sort of floating. I asked someone to be my "temporary" sponsor in the SLAA program. He agreed and I think this will be good. I know I will have to look for a permanent sponsor, but for now, I can at least know that I have someone to depend on, and someone to whom I should rely. Even though I know that I have gotten better since I first started seeing a therapist, and then since I first started going to support group, I still always feel the sting of setbacks and want to move past all this to a state of peace and sanity. Of course, I know it's not easy and I have to be patient.

The first thing my sponsor asked me to begin working on was Step 3, which reads "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God." Well, I'm Miss Control Freak and this is a biggie. I guess even the first two steps were big too. Those are:
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

But this third one will be the challenge. For one thing I'm not doing a very good job of praying ... and if I don't talk to God, then I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to be in tune with his will for my life.

I'm still "dabbling" around more than I should. I talked to G. this morning online and didn't exactly say, "I'm never going to see you again." I didn't cross my bottom line of "making plans," but I also didn't hint that there would never be another plan. Why? What was I feeling? These are the questions I have to stop and ask myself. It feels good to flirt, to be wanted for a little while. But then I go through periods of obsessing that are far from worth it. And this is where I have trouble "letting go" -- is God really going to let me keep doing this to myself? Doesn't he want me to make some effort to try and control my actions? I feel responsible for my own actions. God has supplied me with the knowledge I need to make wiser choices ... then I don't use that knowledge. I just get sucked in by the addiction. This seems like such a cop out.