It's been almost two months since I've written here. For five days I have been "sober" from chatting online with men who might be potential sex partners. I am in therapy still and have started within the last month going to SLAA (sex and love addicts anon) meetings. The meetings have been helpful, as have been the online support groups.
But tonight I sit here ... uncertain what to do. I live my life with my head inside this addiction. There are a million things to do, but I can't seem to find one of them satisfactory.
I'm faced with two dilemmas. One is that after I've declared myself sober, I have an e-mail (not a chat message) from someone who is asking if I'd be interested in a fmf adventure. The addict in me says, "Hell yeah!" The recovering addict in me says run like the wind, you don't owe him anything. The second dilemma is that there is a small part of me that wants to call G., the guy who is the lover I picked up half-heartedly after things went to hell with J. Yeah, big surprise that that happened, huh?
I can't help but wonder what J. is thinking. I just suddenly stopped typing to him last week. I sent one message on Thursday morning and haven't written a word to him since. He's out of my life .... but I'll not say for good, because I don't feel that strong yet. I feel guilty about G. and think I should call him and see him and explain. It's worthless, I know.
That's enough for now.
2 months ago