Friday, December 17, 2004

Farewell to a potential lover

This is an e-mail to a man I've never met, but have exchanged e-mails with. The letter I wrote to a man that I was starting my third trainwreck bound relationship with was much worse. The only thing I think I lied about here was when I said that not getting to see each other would have been a great source of tension. The truth is, if we didn't get to see each other often, I'd surely be fucking someone else as well. That's the addiction and how it works. Ugly, but true.

I've been waiting for a time in my "busy" schedule so that I could sit down and write you a long letter, addressing all the things you've shared with me and how they've resonated with me, or how I've been interested in them. But, that time has not come yet. I know that you are patient, and I don't have to rush ... but there's another reason I felt it was important to write to you today rather than wait forever for my schedule to clear. Honesty.
I have not been dishonest up to this point ... don't worry. I am a woman, and I do have two legs and 10 fingers and toes and I am married. However, during the time that we have started our conversation with one another, some things have changed in my life, some realizations have come. I want to be honest with you about those.
I started looking for a lover in early 2004 because I felt a void of intimacy and connectedness at home with my husband. I thought I was really reaching out to fill that void with a no-strings attached relationship. Over the course of the time, as I did look, I had brief 'relationships' with two men, and met a few others. Both relationships were extremely painful, because my psyche somehow could not feel a long-term sexual attraction with a man, without the idea that there was some fundamental "caring" underneath. With the first guy, I simply allowed myself to care too much and with the second guy I believed a bunch of bullshit about how much he cared and how committed he was to me and to what we were pursuing together, only to learn that he had at least two other women (that I knew of) being played at the same time. The worst hurt of that was that I felt like such a fool.
That second relationship ended not long before you and I started talking and I think I "jumped" right out there to start looking for someone else to "medicate" the pain of that broken relationship and moreso my broken heart and spirit. As I've taken time to evaluate and question myself, however, I have come to the further realization that neither of these men, nor any of the men who made me feel wanted for a few hours, has filled any void in my life. They have only served to create greater voids, rip apart my self-esteem and forced me to look myself in the mirror and ask "Why are you doing this?" The answer comes back ... escape ... time and time again.
I am not ever going to solve a problem by running away from it. I am not going to relieve the hurt and loneliness in my marriage by running away from it. I'm only going to create a new hurt, and a new secret, and a further distance. I could go deeper than this, but I'll spare you that.
So, all this said. I am sorry that I didn't put my shit together before I even started talking to you. Frankly I don't know that our timing would have ever allowed us to see each other, and if things progressed that could have become a source of great tension between us. But, that aside, I came into the conversation, emotionally unprepared to start it. For that, I am sorry.
What does all this mean? I guess it means that I feel better being completely honest and telling you that I am not planning to continue to pursue an extramarital affair, but rather try to either deal with the problems in my marriage or excuse myself from it and start all over. I am nowhere near close to making that decision. I have to become emotionally prepared and grounded before we get there. BUT, I have immensely enjoyed (although I haven't done much contributing of late) our exchange of thoughts. If you are willing, I'd like to remain friends, open to discussing any and all things. If you are pissed and feel that I've allowed you to waste your time, I am very sorry and don't blame you in the least. And we part with me saying, it truly has been great having these exchanges with you.
Those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to yell.

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