As I count the days that I'm not chatting with men, making plans for trysts ... I realize that my sobriety is far from near. This morning I wrote to G. because I just had to explain WHY I stopped seeing him. I continue to check messages on Messenger, hoping for something. Even today I sent a "How are you?" message to someone I had a fling with -- rationalizing to myself that I really just wanted to know he was OK. That it was all about friendships. I'm checking my e-mail incessantly, I'm wrapped up in my thoughts. In my obsession, I continue to open doors.
One of the people on the SLAA list serv wrote today: "I know how it is when you feel lost and not know what to do next....feeling little and mainly drifting in the mind. This is also a form of acting out, or actually acting "in" since we escape being present by getting stuck in our own heads with obsessive thinking." I identified with this so much. Feeling lost, numb, unsure of where to go.
Listening to 70s and 80s music today. That's been nice. Boss is driving me insane, I think that's one of my biggest problems. He infuriates me and I let him. We are like one huge dysfunctional family in this office. I feel so negative. I want to laugh.
1 week ago