Sunday, July 11, 2004

A July 6 post

Below is a note I wrote for the blog on July 6, which never got posted. I'm posting it now after a two-hour "session" at E.'s house. I told myself before I ever got into this "game" that I'd never go into another woman's home to have relations with her husband. I guess doing so today goes along with the whole idea of addiction, you just go further and further ... hoping to get a new high, hoping it will take you to the next level.
As a side note, E.'s house is absolutely incredible. An amazing place. And I think what else could u possibly want? He's a successful businessman, has a gorgeous home, a wife who clearly knows how to keep things in order (even if she doesn't know how to keep him satisfied), two great kids, a nice dog, some apparently amazingly fun friends, yet it's still not enough. His are not my problems to fix ... although we keep drawing one another into each other's needs. I yelled at him this morning because I had a shitty birthday last night and was looking forward to spending some time with him today, knowing his wife would be away and when he started hemming and hawing about the time we would get together, I told him "I was not in the mood to be disappointed today." He gave in, and gave me two hours of his time ... probably the most "in person" time he's ever given me in the six months we've been seeing each other.

Here's the note I wrote last Tuesday:
It occurs to me that one of the reasons I am "backsliding" so to speak, is because I am not working on the things I have discussed with NP. I am not reading properly and am not working hard enough on focusing on the things that need to be fixed. Instead I am letting my mind lead me, not reading what others (who had a clear mind at the time) have deduced about issues such as self-esteem and co-dependency. In fact, I'm too busy diagnosing everyone else as co-dependent so I don't have to be alone.

Woke up with a cold this morning, courtesy of E. How's that for bringing home your sins? I'm lucky it's just that.

As for the cold, both my husband and I became extremely sick after this. I just can't believe how unreal this is at times.

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