Sunday, July 04, 2004

Repost of a letter to E.

First, and foremost, let me say thank you for a very nice "treat" this afternoon. It was truly a nice diversion from the day and incredibly good to see you.

Second, let me say that you must surely think that I am absolutely inarticulate. When we are together face to face, it never seems like I can string two sentences together, much less provide the answers to your questions. I'm sorry about that. It's not that I'm not articulate or that I don't have a million thoughts running through my head. It truly is almost like you have a spell over me. When you are near, I just want to touch you and kiss you and say everything that needs to be said without the words that just don't come out until we chat again or I send an e-mail. It's hard to explain or even understand for me. I think I also often feel rushed, (although today felt nicely unrushed, thank you.) which causes me some difficulty in saying what's on my mind.

Then thirdly, I wanted to say that today as I was driving to your office, I was literally cursing you, so mad at you for convincing me to come there -- yelling at you in my head, "This has nothing to do with me, it's all about you and your control and your pleasure! I know you're a better person than to do this to me -- knowing that I'm weak and that I can be used." Then I started yelling at myself, "Why are you allowing this to happen? You can't blame him. You are the one who doesn't have the inner strength to say no." Yet, the moment you drove up and I heard your voice and felt your hug, I was so glad I was there, so glad I had said yes, so aware of why I say yes again and again. There was nothing but amazing feelings inside me. And as we went inside and kissed, then embraced, and you began to have your way with me and I began to have my way with you ... it was just all completely right. Not love, not usery, not control, none of them, but all three. I hope some of that makes sense to you.

There are times that I don't trust you any further than I can throw an elephant, and times I trust you so completely I could never imagine even a reason for distrust. One is a sign of strength, the other of weakness, and often I feel them in the exact same heart, simultaneously. And in it all, as my emotions rage ... you hold me at arm's distance, but within arm's reach, ready to act at your own whim. Knowing that you know you are in control brings me both furious anger, and a strange sense of pleasure, that I can submit and make you happy, or say the wrong word and be cut off until you decide I am worthy, never able to simply tell myself "You're worthy of any goddamn thing you want." I hate the game, but come back again and again to play.

What is it that makes it so?

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