Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Breakthroughs and struggles

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. I'd like to say that it's because life is normal and I don't feel the need to "flush" feelings all the time. Life is a lot more normal than it has been in the past, but it still has its struggles.
I had a good (but grueling) session with NP last night and really walked through some core problems at the root of what has caused me to reach this point of addiciton and victimization. Or, I should say, we talked about some of my underlying problems, but are still trying to figure out how the hell I got to here. I worked my ass off, put myself through college, became successful in my career, and then all of a sudden, here I am. Or maybe ... gradually here I am. I'm not sure.
E. is pretty much out of the picture. I got an e-mail from him last Friday asking how he could return the book. I wrote back that he could keep it ... and that's the end. Nothing more. I think there was more emotional attachment there than I'll ever let myself believe. I miss him every day and watch for another letter. Somehow, some way some time I have to just let go.  I don't know if it's emotional attachment or just habit -- like a drunk letting go of whiskey. But, I've got a vodka that I've been sipping on with J. We talk daily (during the week) online. On Sunday, I went to G.'s house ... why? I have no idea. We shared oral favors and talked about sexual escapades and feelings about Internet addiction ... but why ... just because it was there, and I had said I'd think about it, which then caused me an "obligation" to do it. I went to the grocery store afterward and bought two bags of M&Ms, Lucky Charms and Oreos. Thank God I didn't eat all that. I have no idea what causes any of this. But I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

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