Wednesday, July 14, 2004

The Way It Feels

So, it's Wednesday morning. I eliminated my Yahoo account yesterday and I feel a bit lost today. Thank goodness I have a bunch of meetings scheduled for today. But still, I had a bit of time between meeting and I came to a public computer area and am checking every e-mail I have in hopes of finding a message from someone I know. Not just someone, either J. or E.
J. wrote me a long letter yesterday saying he was pissed at me for not giving him a chance to say goodbye. And in a bizarre twist S. called me three times yesterday. I never answered once. I'm not going to answer. I wrote J. back and I'm sure he's going to read it as I'm still saying goodbye. I guess I should say I don't care. But I do. I think he probably doesn't know what to think. I haven't heard from him yet. But he often doesn't sign on until about this time anyway.
This morning, I told my husband I had a rough day yesterday and that I was online too much and he got mad and said we should just get rid of the Internet at home. I ended up writing him a note and trying to explain that I have to learn to be responsible for me and for my decisions. That him taking the Internet out won't do the trick.
The problem is that I'm not feeling that committment to focus my attention elsewhere. I did spend a lot of time last night at Barnes and Noble and bought a few new books that relate to my issue. I'm going to try to devote my time to reading, exercise and doing projects that need to be done at home. One of the things I have to do is come up with a list of projects that have to be done at home. But I HAVE to spend some time and attention with my work and I don't see that happening much.
I called NP yesterday and set up another appointment with her for tomorrow night. I just felt like I probably need to see her again this week. I need to get some feedback from her, hear from her about what happens in this "in between" stage.

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