I just did something amazing, and really not for the reason it feels amazing. I uninstalled Yahoo Messenger from my home computer. It was so quick, so easy. Just like that ... it's gone. And suddenly after doing it, I'm thinking ... Wow, it's gone. I uninstalled it because my computer keeps getting viruses and I know that they are coming through Mssgr. I had tried various ways of cleaning those, but it hadn't worked, so I guessed that the program itself was corrupt (imagine that). So, I uninstalled it with the idea, that I'd just immediately reinstall. But you know what ... I don't think I will. There's a siren calling to me saying, "do it, do it, what are you going to do if you can't chat at home? You won't be able to talk to J. It won't help you at work where you really probably need to uninstall. What if you have messages waiting there?" That is the call that is the loudest. I want to write that I'm not going to re-install it. I want to believe that I can turn off those voices. I want to say, You can do anything you damn well please. But I don't know that I'll live up to a promise to stay away. I haven't proven myself effective there. That doesn't mean I can't go on to prove that I am strong, but the withdrawal will start again. I'm impossible to live with as it is. My husband is ready to throw me out the window I'm so grumpy and bitchy.
I originally sat down here to say I feel my "recovery" moving in a different direction. In many ways, I think I have nipped the desire to talk to dozens of different men all the time, and the desire to look for new chat partners in the bud. It's not that there aren't temptations now and then, but I seem in control of them. I still don't feel in complete control of my mind though. I want to talk to J. or E. a lot of the time, and sort of "wait" for a message from them, or initiate messages with them. I know they are there and I want to talk to them. It's still an uncontrolled mind. Interestingly, I've even given up on M. (and just spent the past three minutes writing an e-mail to him in my head, asking "why and how did you give it up?")
But another part of the way my mindset is shifting is that I feel myself really falling into a relationship with J. That begins to focus on a whole different part of me. Not the addiction, but the problems in my marriage that would make me willing and interested to take this beyond casual sex to a relationship that matters with a person that matters. E. has always kept me at arm's length, thus there's never been an opportunity for what could possibly be called a relationship. (I'm posting a letter I wrote to him after an encounter this week in a separate post.) With him, it's that I've hated what he brings out in me and loved what he has stirred in me, and the co-dependency is not allowing me to simply leave him. With J. he holds me so close to him, I never want to let go.
Well, my husband just walked in and sort of broke my thoughts. So, I guess I'll end here.
5 months ago