Turmoil

I simply cannot walk away from the computer today. I stayed at home to work on some writing. I got up at 5 a.m. I have been at the computer pretty much since then.

I took almost an hour and a half writing a letter to BV, catching him up on all that was happening in my life, including what has happened with E. He was incredibly helpful. Although he truly is just someone I met on the Internet nine years ago, I love him dearly and the history and friendship we share is very real. I know he is someone I can trust. He really wrote me back a nice note and gave me encouragement.

I didn't tell him about the internet addiction, because he only really knows about E. and not even that I met him on the Internet. I know I could tell him the whole thing.. but I'm just not ready. I've told my husband I think that's enough.

Now, I just have to tell myself, you're going to lose your job if you don't get yourself focused.

After I wrote to BV, I spend forever talking to J. On a good note, I did tell him I was struggling and that I may need to say goodbye. I made it clear that saying goodbye was in no way a reflection on him, but it was about me. I feel stronger having done that. I think that if I try, I can say goodbye this week and maybe start focusing on some other things.

I think there's a big part of me that is anxious and worried about E. That's probably the hardest part I'm going through. Despite it all, I care about him, but more than that, I know how hard it is to go through what he's going through and I wish (in my codependent status) that we could be there for each other.

I see one of my former employees this evening. That should be good. But I still haven't done a damn thing to meet these deadlines. I'm going to go do as much as I possibly can right now.