Sunday, September 12, 2004

Writing here

I am tempted to write a note to J. ... but I'll write here to save him the burden.

I feel another of my spells coming on ... not exactly one of those spells where I sign off the Internet and tell him I'm walking away forever. But one almost equally as desparate. I have allowed myself to get close to him, and as he and I have begun to look for couples together it has again exacerbated my addiction to the Internet. When I'm not talking to him, I'm searching for new people for him and I to talk to. I told him on Friday that due to work pressure I needed to take a break ... he said he understood. But underneath it all I know that I feel desparate... that I will lose him and that if I lose him ... I'll lose control again. Already I have cheated on him ... as recently as yesterday morning. I worry that he is cheating on me too ... but what can I blame him. I just wish we could be honest. But we can't. Because he can't control his jealousy. He wants me to be his and his alone. But at the same time he doesn't trust me. I already have a husband who doesn't trust me. But then I look at myself and think why would anyone trust me... I don't even trust myself.

That's enough for now. I just needed to vent. I wonder when the lies will end. I wonder when my relationship with J. will end. Why it will end? How it will end? My relationship with E. just ended ... no goodbye, no nothing. Just over. And, it never meant anything to him to begin with. I want to matter to someone. I know, I know ... I need to matter to myself.

Sometimes I say in my head ... "I love you." I have no idea who I'm saying it to ... or who I'm wishing were saying it to me. I know that I just wish the words were being said. Maybe I am a love addict.

I need to take a shower.


Summer said...

I don't know or understand what you are going through, but what I do understand is your pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I really am.

BizyLizy said...

Rae, just scrolling through your archives...and this post jumped out at me. The last paragraph.

I do this all the time. I just say "I love you" out loud. And like you, I'm never really sure why or who I'm saying it to. Or if I'm saying to simply hear the words.