Love is a thoughtful, committed decision

Written to two support buddies today, and first introduced to me by a man I met at a park for a quick blow job -- a man who was before and is now, my friend.

Regarding love being a feeling or a decision -- I fought this concept of love being a choice tooth and nail. NO WAY, I said. As you said, it's either there or it's not. I'm not trying to answer the question for everyone, but I do believe that true love is decision we make, not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. Now, that's not to say that those feelings that overwhelm us about someone, might not lead us to make the decision to love that person, but the feelings of excitement, etc. are just the high. True love, -- again, my opinion, my personal answer to the question -- is the decision to commit ourselves, our lives, to a partnership with another person, whether romantically, in friendship, or in family. Part of making that choice or that decision, is being sure of ourselves, who we are, what we deserve, and what we are willing and able to expect and ask for from the relationship, as well as what we are willing to give.

I won't pretend that I've gotten to the point in my self-esteem to make these decisions. I have come to the realization, that I must first learn who I am, what I stand for, and why I want to exist. Then, I will have the awesome responsibility to choose love, rather than be overwhelmed by the distorted depiction of it I see all around me.

Prayers on the roller coaster

It's amazing the difference in attitude, when after a good night's rest, I wake up and say a prayer, even a short one -- expressing thanks and asking for blessings and "thy will" for the day -- before getting out of bed.

Just in the few minutes that it took for me to go to the bathroom, read a meditation on financial responsibility and walk out the door to see my husband sleeping peacefully on the bed -- I was blessed with the mental reminder that the fundamentals of any relationship, especially a marriage, are love, honor, and respect. I have the opportunity to share those attributes with my spouse today -- I am not alone, I am not struggling to rebuild my marriage while fighting against his knowledge of the times I showed nothing close to love, honor and respect for him or me, I am blessed.

What a roller coaster we live on, my friends. Thank you for being there in ups and the downs. I am blessed to have you as well.

In thanks and honor to each of you who are struggling, but thankfully are living,

Still around ...

Well, my addiction certainly knows how to remind me that it's still around. It also knows how to remind me that I have to work the program and keep to my bottom lines if I ever want to get through this.

Today I took off work. As of yesterday I started talking with a couple of recovery buddies online. What a mistake. I know better. Today, I signed on to messgenger "visible" ... only kind of by accident. The same shit happens every time, and somehow I can't get it through my head that it's all destructive.

Anyway, as I was saying, I took off work -- so I had the "urge" to chat with the new recovery buddy. In the process I got IM's from two guys I formerly had "relations" with -- one who did the usual disappearing act.

This probably all started by me sending that e-mail to E. a couple of weeks back. Then this past week I sent an IM to J. One of my bottom lines is NO contact with him. He didn't IM back. Then just now I checked his profile and he's taken off all references to sexual issues. Of course, now I'm going to obsess over whether he got caught, if he's found someone that he really is willing to commit to or what. Maybe he created a new screen name. All this causes me soooo much confusion and why the hell am I wallowing around in it. It's useless and I know it. And now I feel so ashamed. Now I have to confess all of this to someone.

Not to mention the fact that this afternoon I talked to one of the former DOC's who I didn't even like, but who is my neighbor and who keeps hounding me to get together, because he heard what a good BJ I give and asked him, "Have you talked to J.?" Fucking A. what is wrong with me. So after this, I start reading online erotica, go to the movies and mb. in the theater. What a horrible addiction and affliction this is. Now I'm going to rot in all this.

Of course, I have the choice not to. I also have the choice to get right back into this whole mess.

I should not have watched that program this morning on Good Morning America about the rising number of unfaithful wives. They were basically condoning sex outside marriage. RRRRR

I'm going to write to a recovery friend and then get busy. SHIT!

Some Step Work

Make a comparison table where I had to list what was real versus what was unreal in the relationship. For every real list an unreal.

1. (Unreal) - Because men chose to speak to me and engage in sex with me, I was worthwhile.
(Real) - Because I was sexually available, but emotionally unavailable, men wanted to talk to me and have sex with me. In it all, I (the real me) was worthless.

2. (Both real and unreal) I felt wanted and desired (the unreal part was they didn't really want me and desire me .. I was just an object.

3. (unreal) I was getting away with it, at work, at home and in my soul.
(real) I am so behind at work, it's unreal. At home, things were suffering and I couldn't look at anything good my husband was doing. In my soul, I was slowly eating myself alive.

4. (unreal) I was the only woman in each of these men's lives.
(real) Just like me they had one side f*ck after another.

There's many more ... but that's enough for now.

How did it make my life unmanageable?

I was constantly online, talking to men day and night - at home and at work, on the phone and meeting them in person. I put off deadlines, I put off work. I was afraid I'd be fired. I should have been. I was afraid I'd lose my marriage. I would have deserved it. I was obsessing beyond belief. When I wasn't doing one of the above "actions" I was obsessing about the next conversation, finding the next person, keeping my hold on the the people I had.
What was the payoff?
I felt desired, wanted. I didn't have to feel alone. I was leading an exciting life. I was "the best" at lots of things.
Who did I hurt?
My colleagues, my husband, my family. I hurt the men I was involved with, by helping them to continue their own addictions and I hurt their families, their jobs. Most of all, I hurt myself.

How was I at fault?
I'm confused about the answer to this. The program might tell me I wasn't ... that I was diseased. But if anything, I kept letting it happen, even when I knew it was wrong. My amend is that I have stopped and am trying to stay that way.
What should I have done instead?
I think at the time, I did the only thing I knew how to do. In retrospect, I guess I should have just never started chatting with men online. But that doesn't even seem like it was an option at this point. It was of course, but it doesn't seem like it now. Everything just happened. I guess I still am deflecting a lot of the blame.
History of the relationship.
I'm not sure I understand this question as it relates to me -- but there was more than one "relationship." My relationship was with one man after another who I met on the Internet and later met offline for sex. Some men I'd had several conversations with before meeting them, but in the worst of my addiction, I might talk to a guy for a few minutes and meet him a few minutes later for sex. Others, I would have "committed relationships" with. What a joke. It's all so surreal now, yet I still feel closeness to some of these people. It's unreal.

Responsibility

I said to myself today:

You must begin to get to work on time. You must take your job responsibilities seriously. You must stop making excuses for not doing what needs to be done. You are being paid a salary. You need to have something to show for that.

You are getting your life in order, you are not lazy, you are not inefficient, you are not irresponsible. As a healthy person, you have to begin to demonstrate that.

You have no excuses -- at least not legitimate ones.

Prayer for today

Dear Lord who lives in us all, thank you for this day, for another day to live and survive. A day to thrive. I pray for all people on the roads this morning, Lord, that they will be safe in the heavy rains and wind. I pray especially for my husband's safety.

I pray Lord that in my life today your will will be done. You have already given me some good lessons this morning as I have read the posts of my fellow sex addicts. Perhaps today will bring temptations, or anger. I never know what each day will bring, but I pray for the strength to endure it, and for the resolve to understand that all things happen as part of a broader plan. If I must suffer so that another can live free of pain, if I must be angry so another can be happy, let me accept that as part of my contribution to humanity.

I thank you, Lord, that my relationship with you -- with the spirit that I realize moves in all of us -- has become greater. That I now realize that I am one part of a mighty and awesome God that lives in all of us and breathes life into us each day.

I pray for comfort in the hearts of my friends J. and K. as they suffer the burden of the loss of their child to miscarriage. Comfort them, Lord and hold them close to you.

I pray Lord for direction in my life, that I will find the proper path to take in terms of my career, and pursuing my ambitions. I ask for faith in myself and in you.

I pray most fervently that I will turn all things over to you, Lord, the spirit that lives in us all, and know that you will lead the way to a brighter tomorrow, as I live through this one day you have give me.

Living my life, one day at a time, by the grace of the living spirit that flows through us all.

Amen.

A powerful revelation

It just occurred to me after considering W.'s situation when his wife went out of town, a situation I have been in myself, where I am so excited to have the "opportunity" to act out, that this was the same feeling my father had when my mother would leave and my sister would be gone and he would have me in the house to himself.

Wow, what a powerful revelation. So powerful in fact, I don't know what to say or think. One thought that crosses through my mind, as my stomach comes up into my throat is, "I am just as sick as he was." I know it's not true -- I haven't taken advantage of innocent children. But still, the similarities are too close for comfort.

I ask for blessings for us all, especially those of us who lived through incest.

Promises of the program

* We will regain control of our lives
* We will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
* The loneliness will subside and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
* We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
* In the company of family and friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
* We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
* Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
* We will love and accept ourselves.
* We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
* We will extend ourselves for the purpose of nurturing our own or another's apiritual growth.
* We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have hurt.
* We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken away, and what has been left behind.

I like the last one and the seventh one best.

Taking steps

This morning I went to my first SA meeting, which was a step in the right direction. I needed the extra support and found some there, even though they spent a few minutes bashing my other program. One thing I walked away from was a reading in their "big book" about not telling your spouse about your problem right away. I also walked away knowing that I was glad I found my group first, because this program is way too vigorous on the religion and abstinence side. Had I enrolled in it right away I know I would not have come as far as I have. I would have walked away. I wouldn't have been able to stomach it and buy into it.

I came home and wrote a final goodbye letter to G. None of it felt "normal," but I felt compelled. Now, I have to get used to it. Used to the idea that I really am not going to have anyone to reach out to when my addiction starts to crave and want. It stings a little bit. I don't feel good about it. But I know I will at some point. I have to get used to the idea that I have to focus on one thing now and that is me and my recovery. I have to start working through the program more diligently.

Every step I take in this process I feel like I'm peeling back one more layer of the onion -- finding out more about me, and getting comfortable with the feeling of "exposed skin."

I feel odd ... out of sorts. I think it must be the letter I wrote. Or maybe it's I'm feeling in limbo. I'm now thinking of quitting my job and living abroad for some time. A few steps to make plans for that trip abroad have already been made. Previously when I've needed to turn to something in these stressful situations, I've turned to sex. That's that last place I can turn now. I need to focus on my work, but I"m still unable.

I can see strides I've made, but I still need to work on my goals of leading a decluttered lifestyle and focusing on the responsibilities of my work. I kinda feel like I'm going to vomit.

One other thing I took from this morning's meeting what something that one of the members of the group said. He said that early on he had trouble picking up the phone to call someone else in the program, but soon realized that his reasons had something to do with his continual avoidance of intimacy. Tonight I have dinner with a friend, I know it will be awkward, because I don't feel comfortable with people anymore. I have given up my feeling of complete comfort with others for sexual escapade after sexual escapade that wasn't worth shit.

I'm getting better not worse, and I refuse to wallow around in self-pity though. I will work to have a good time tonight and to begin to reach out to others. I pray to God for the strength and the clarity tomorrow to focus on my work. I pray for my heart to be opened to opportunity to hear and to be heard and to love, as love was intended.

Morning Prayer -- Jan. 7, 2005

Thank you, Spirit of us All, that I woke up this morning with the foresight and the enthusiasm to clear the clutter from my home. I know that throughout the weekend, that will inspire me to rid my life and my home of even more clutter. It's a great feeling to be alive today, and I thank you Lord for that. Thank you for this new day to live and experience life, and learn, and interact with others who are going through the same process.

I know I'm in a much better place now than where I was even last week. And when I consider where I was last month, I know that by recognizing my powerlessness, acknowledging your presence in me as it flows through all of us, and allowing you to work through me, I am going to make it out of all this a much stronger person.

Today marks the 34th day since I have had sex outside my marriage. I could never imagined that I could ever go a week without finding someone to "act out" with. I have had some near misses and I thank you, oh so much, for intervening. I pray that you will help me not "flirt" with disaster like that again. I never want to feel, "Oh, God will bail me out." I know that I am responsible for my decisions and that if I simply work on making myself stronger rather than spending my time developing ways to avoid trouble, my life will be better. I must remember to focus on the positive aspects of what this experience and this disease has taught me; and one of the most positive things it has taught me is that I am worthy of a true and wonderful life. Wow! What an amazing revelation. Day by day, literally, I have been willing to consider myself powerless against the disease, and with your gentle voice you have guided me through that. I pray that voice will continue to guide me as I continue to work toward becoming whole.

I pray to you, dear Spirit, for your blessings today. Use me as an instrument to help others, and raise me above the distinctions and differences that confuse me and make me weak. Because you live through me, I can be strong. I pray for your will in my life today, Lord. Today and always thankful. Amen.

Something I must remember

"Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."--Erica Jong
There was a time when we didn't believe we had any talents. We couldn't imagine we had any purpose or any gift to give to the world. But it's true: We all have talents, many of them. If we each haven't yet discovered ours, we soon will. With time and the Steps and friends, we will be encouraged to recognize them, to celebrate them, to cultivate them, to dare to give the away.
Utilizing our talents fully, which is part of life's bigger plan, may lead us to new jobs, new friends, to places presently unknown. The prospect of new horizons may excite us. It may also elicit dread. We can trust that, just as we are given no problems too big to handle, we are given no talents too great to develop. The strength to move ahead will always be available if we have faith. And the progress offers us faith.
I will look for my talents today. I will also look for talents in my friends. I can celebrate them, and soon the way to use them will become clear.

Happy Day after Christmas

This is a note I sent to my support group this morning.

Today is a new day. And isn't it wonderful? God has blessed us all with a brand new day of opportunity.
We could wake up and say... "another sh*tty day in paradise" or we can say, "I'm alive and I'm working to get to know myself better and overcome the obstacles in my lifeand I'm happy to have that opportunity."
I choose to say the latter.
For those of you who had a grand day yesterday. I'm glad. I join you. We had a group of about 40 people from non-Christian faiths over for a traditional Christmas meal. We celebrated all the traditions -- eating too much, opening gifts, and enjoying one another's company. Today I have the "wonderful opportunity" to clean up. LOL
For those of you who had a bad day, a hard day, I can empathize. I was the lone Christian in a room of 40 chattering people, my family is 600 miles away, and they wouldn't have really gotten together anyway. My dear mother has been dead for 12 years now, her mother, my dear grandmother dead for 13. I miss their presence in my life and I miss the congruity they brought to our family -- a congruity that is now gone. I feel only individual closeness with individual members of my family. And with some, I offer only obligatory love. With myself, I'm still working on becoming comfortable.
Yet, today is a new day. It will likely present its challenges to all of us. It's amazing the little ways this addiction likes to creep into our minds. But today will also present us with opportunities for growth. I choose to focus on those ... just for today.

A suggestion

Someone on one of the list servs I belong to said a therapist had asked her to write a letter to herself from God. This seems like such a good challenge. I think it is one I'll undertake.

Not counting days anymore

2004 is almost over. Wow! What a year. I can't believe all that has transpired and how my life has changed. I guess we read a lot about how people go from top successes to beggars on the street. I certainly have learned that addiction can kill a person and rob them of everything good in their lives. I am one of the lucky ones who recognized it right away and was not afraid to say, "I need help."

I took a step yesterday toward further healing after feeling for some time that I've just be sort of floating. I asked someone to be my "temporary" sponsor in the SLAA program. He agreed and I think this will be good. I know I will have to look for a permanent sponsor, but for now, I can at least know that I have someone to depend on, and someone to whom I should rely. Even though I know that I have gotten better since I first started seeing a therapist, and then since I first started going to support group, I still always feel the sting of setbacks and want to move past all this to a state of peace and sanity. Of course, I know it's not easy and I have to be patient.

The first thing my sponsor asked me to begin working on was Step 3, which reads "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God." Well, I'm Miss Control Freak and this is a biggie. I guess even the first two steps were big too. Those are:
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

But this third one will be the challenge. For one thing I'm not doing a very good job of praying ... and if I don't talk to God, then I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to be in tune with his will for my life.

I'm still "dabbling" around more than I should. I talked to G. this morning online and didn't exactly say, "I'm never going to see you again." I didn't cross my bottom line of "making plans," but I also didn't hint that there would never be another plan. Why? What was I feeling? These are the questions I have to stop and ask myself. It feels good to flirt, to be wanted for a little while. But then I go through periods of obsessing that are far from worth it. And this is where I have trouble "letting go" -- is God really going to let me keep doing this to myself? Doesn't he want me to make some effort to try and control my actions? I feel responsible for my own actions. God has supplied me with the knowledge I need to make wiser choices ... then I don't use that knowledge. I just get sucked in by the addiction. This seems like such a cop out.

Farewell to a potential lover

This is an e-mail to a man I've never met, but have exchanged e-mails with. The letter I wrote to a man that I was starting my third trainwreck bound relationship with was much worse. The only thing I think I lied about here was when I said that not getting to see each other would have been a great source of tension. The truth is, if we didn't get to see each other often, I'd surely be fucking someone else as well. That's the addiction and how it works. Ugly, but true.

---
I've been waiting for a time in my "busy" schedule so that I could sit down and write you a long letter, addressing all the things you've shared with me and how they've resonated with me, or how I've been interested in them. But, that time has not come yet. I know that you are patient, and I don't have to rush ... but there's another reason I felt it was important to write to you today rather than wait forever for my schedule to clear. Honesty.
I have not been dishonest up to this point ... don't worry. I am a woman, and I do have two legs and 10 fingers and toes and I am married. However, during the time that we have started our conversation with one another, some things have changed in my life, some realizations have come. I want to be honest with you about those.
I started looking for a lover in early 2004 because I felt a void of intimacy and connectedness at home with my husband. I thought I was really reaching out to fill that void with a no-strings attached relationship. Over the course of the time, as I did look, I had brief 'relationships' with two men, and met a few others. Both relationships were extremely painful, because my psyche somehow could not feel a long-term sexual attraction with a man, without the idea that there was some fundamental "caring" underneath. With the first guy, I simply allowed myself to care too much and with the second guy I believed a bunch of bullshit about how much he cared and how committed he was to me and to what we were pursuing together, only to learn that he had at least two other women (that I knew of) being played at the same time. The worst hurt of that was that I felt like such a fool.
That second relationship ended not long before you and I started talking and I think I "jumped" right out there to start looking for someone else to "medicate" the pain of that broken relationship and moreso my broken heart and spirit. As I've taken time to evaluate and question myself, however, I have come to the further realization that neither of these men, nor any of the men who made me feel wanted for a few hours, has filled any void in my life. They have only served to create greater voids, rip apart my self-esteem and forced me to look myself in the mirror and ask "Why are you doing this?" The answer comes back ... escape ... time and time again.
I am not ever going to solve a problem by running away from it. I am not going to relieve the hurt and loneliness in my marriage by running away from it. I'm only going to create a new hurt, and a new secret, and a further distance. I could go deeper than this, but I'll spare you that.
So, all this said. I am sorry that I didn't put my shit together before I even started talking to you. Frankly I don't know that our timing would have ever allowed us to see each other, and if things progressed that could have become a source of great tension between us. But, that aside, I came into the conversation, emotionally unprepared to start it. For that, I am sorry.
What does all this mean? I guess it means that I feel better being completely honest and telling you that I am not planning to continue to pursue an extramarital affair, but rather try to either deal with the problems in my marriage or excuse myself from it and start all over. I am nowhere near close to making that decision. I have to become emotionally prepared and grounded before we get there. BUT, I have immensely enjoyed (although I haven't done much contributing of late) our exchange of thoughts. If you are willing, I'd like to remain friends, open to discussing any and all things. If you are pissed and feel that I've allowed you to waste your time, I am very sorry and don't blame you in the least. And we part with me saying, it truly has been great having these exchanges with you.
Those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to yell.

Day 7

As I count the days that I'm not chatting with men, making plans for trysts ... I realize that my sobriety is far from near. This morning I wrote to G. because I just had to explain WHY I stopped seeing him. I continue to check messages on Messenger, hoping for something. Even today I sent a "How are you?" message to someone I had a fling with -- rationalizing to myself that I really just wanted to know he was OK. That it was all about friendships. I'm checking my e-mail incessantly, I'm wrapped up in my thoughts. In my obsession, I continue to open doors.

One of the people on the SLAA list serv wrote today: "I know how it is when you feel lost and not know what to do next....feeling little and mainly drifting in the mind. This is also a form of acting out, or actually acting "in" since we escape being present by getting stuck in our own heads with obsessive thinking." I identified with this so much. Feeling lost, numb, unsure of where to go.

Listening to 70s and 80s music today. That's been nice. Boss is driving me insane, I think that's one of my biggest problems. He infuriates me and I let him. We are like one huge dysfunctional family in this office. I feel so negative. I want to laugh.

Feeling good

I'm not feeling good in my addiction ... struggling like hell, trying to make Day 6 completely sober. But I'm feeling good blogging again.

Maybe one day I'll write about something more interesting than my stinking addiction.

Thanks to Kim and Gus for your comments.

Still struggling

It's been almost two months since I've written here. For five days I have been "sober" from chatting online with men who might be potential sex partners. I am in therapy still and have started within the last month going to SLAA (sex and love addicts anon) meetings. The meetings have been helpful, as have been the online support groups.

But tonight I sit here ... uncertain what to do. I live my life with my head inside this addiction. There are a million things to do, but I can't seem to find one of them satisfactory.

I'm faced with two dilemmas. One is that after I've declared myself sober, I have an e-mail (not a chat message) from someone who is asking if I'd be interested in a fmf adventure. The addict in me says, "Hell yeah!" The recovering addict in me says run like the wind, you don't owe him anything. The second dilemma is that there is a small part of me that wants to call G., the guy who is the lover I picked up half-heartedly after things went to hell with J. Yeah, big surprise that that happened, huh?

I can't help but wonder what J. is thinking. I just suddenly stopped typing to him last week. I sent one message on Thursday morning and haven't written a word to him since. He's out of my life .... but I'll not say for good, because I don't feel that strong yet. I feel guilty about G. and think I should call him and see him and explain. It's worthless, I know.

That's enough for now.

Releasing the sanity

I don't write or read much anymore ... but I know that I need to, because I see myself being trapped by my own insanity. I wake up in the morning with obsessive thoughts of what's going wrong, what's going right. I can't quite get a handle on them. But if I simply do something to take my mind away from it for awhile, I feel calm, in control.

I woke up this morning and couldn't quit thinking of J. and what might be going on with him, how I'm going to handle it if he tells me that he needs a break or worse, that he's done with me. He's been a form of sanity for me for about five months now. NP asked me once, "If he's gone, will you have to replace him?" God I hope not. I want this cycle to end. But I also want him in my life. I obsess over the thought that he might not be there, that he may grow tired, bored, and be ready to move on. Or maybe that I will overwhelm him with my intensity.

Anyway, the point was that I woke up with those thoughts and thought I'd get up and blog them out. But I started reading the NY Times online and then even posted something to my social commentary site. I thought about other things, broader things, things outside this fucked up world that goes on inside my head. I have to find life outside my head.

Saturday morning thinking

I continue to try to convince myself I am no longer an addict of the Internet, of sexual chat -- that I am simply a woman living a promiscous life and exploring her sexuality, finding refuge from her marriage, which she's not sure is lastable.

But as I just read over some very thoughtful commentary I wrote about a year ago ... I know that my mind continues to be overwhelmed with thoughts of the Internet, my chat partners, my sex partner. I see one step continuing to lead to another. (Even as I just typed, I signed on to my messenger service to make sure none of my contacts were on.) Yesterday I participated with J. in our first foursome. There is already a plan for a possible orgy.

Of course, I have no idea how J. feels about the experience because we didn't get a chance to talk and it's driving me crazy.