Saturday, February 05, 2005

Love is a thoughtful, committed decision

Written to two support buddies today, and first introduced to me by a man I met at a park for a quick blow job -- a man who was before and is now, my friend.

Regarding love being a feeling or a decision -- I fought this concept of love being a choice tooth and nail. NO WAY, I said. As you said, it's either there or it's not. I'm not trying to answer the question for everyone, but I do believe that true love is decision we make, not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. Now, that's not to say that those feelings that overwhelm us about someone, might not lead us to make the decision to love that person, but the feelings of excitement, etc. are just the high. True love, -- again, my opinion, my personal answer to the question -- is the decision to commit ourselves, our lives, to a partnership with another person, whether romantically, in friendship, or in family. Part of making that choice or that decision, is being sure of ourselves, who we are, what we deserve, and what we are willing and able to expect and ask for from the relationship, as well as what we are willing to give.

I won't pretend that I've gotten to the point in my self-esteem to make these decisions. I have come to the realization, that I must first learn who I am, what I stand for, and why I want to exist. Then, I will have the awesome responsibility to choose love, rather than be overwhelmed by the distorted depiction of it I see all around me.


Gus Paul said...

How does being friends with someone you've given a blowjob in a park to work out? That sounds like a nightmare to me...

Rae said...

Hey there, Gus. I saw you added me to your links, that's cool. Thanks.

As for your questions ... friendship with the guy who I blew in the park. It's not like a friendship where I see the guy or even talk to him on the phone, just now and then we talk online or exchange e-mails. But, we have a very nice spiritual connection. I appreciate his point of view. I was also with him and his gf (they are both married to other people) for a threesome, so the BJ in the park was just one part of our "story" together. He and I have talked a lot more than we've shared sex though.

Now as for your notes about my more "sober" self -- I also don't consider myself a "religious" person, but I have been in touch with my more "spiritual" side all along. But to answer your question, is this turn to spirituality recent, I would say "yes." The addiction recovery program I am in is based in large part on realizing that "a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." That power can be whatever and however we define it. For me, the power is the spirit that lives in all of mankind. My belief is that I'm just a small part of a much larger universe, and the spirit (or energy) that connects that universe flows through me, just as it flows through every living thing. Prayer connects me more directly to that energy of the spirit of mankind, thus giving me strength to grow and overcome my challenges. I know that's deep ... but it's sort of where I'm coming from.

And as far as being powerless anyway ... That's OK, I was powerless to begin with, but by realizing it, I am stronger. I don't feel weak, I feel empowered by the thought that I'm part of something much bigger than me.

Addiction causes people to think the whole world revolves around them. That's not true.

OK, enough philosophy for the day.