Well, my addiction certainly knows how to remind me that it's still around. It also knows how to remind me that I have to work the program and keep to my bottom lines if I ever want to get through this.
Today I took off work. As of yesterday I started talking with a couple of recovery buddies online. What a mistake. I know better. Today, I signed on to messgenger "visible" ... only kind of by accident. The same shit happens every time, and somehow I can't get it through my head that it's all destructive.
Anyway, as I was saying, I took off work -- so I had the "urge" to chat with the new recovery buddy. In the process I got IM's from two guys I formerly had "relations" with -- one who did the usual disappearing act.
This probably all started by me sending that e-mail to E. a couple of weeks back. Then this past week I sent an IM to J. One of my bottom lines is NO contact with him. He didn't IM back. Then just now I checked his profile and he's taken off all references to sexual issues. Of course, now I'm going to obsess over whether he got caught, if he's found someone that he really is willing to commit to or what. Maybe he created a new screen name. All this causes me soooo much confusion and why the hell am I wallowing around in it. It's useless and I know it. And now I feel so ashamed. Now I have to confess all of this to someone.
Not to mention the fact that this afternoon I talked to one of the former DOC's who I didn't even like, but who is my neighbor and who keeps hounding me to get together, because he heard what a good BJ I give and asked him, "Have you talked to J.?" Fucking A. what is wrong with me. So after this, I start reading online erotica, go to the movies and mb. in the theater. What a horrible addiction and affliction this is. Now I'm going to rot in all this.
Of course, I have the choice not to. I also have the choice to get right back into this whole mess.
I should not have watched that program this morning on Good Morning America about the rising number of unfaithful wives. They were basically condoning sex outside marriage. RRRRR
I'm going to write to a recovery friend and then get busy. SHIT!
4 months ago