Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Seeking Surrender

On page 120 of the Big Book of AA, it is written, "If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God's hands."

I have fought for control in every way, shape and form I have known, for as long as I can recall. I live a "scared shitless" life when I'm not in control. Yet time and time again I have been shown the grace and comfort that can be found in simply letting go and letting my Higher Power take the reigns of my life.

This fear of what will come with a lack of control does not leave me for long. It is a part of my "thinking problem," and as an addict, I find myself in states of irritability, dis-ease, panic and obsessiveness before I even know what has hit me.

The answer to peace and harmony is always in surrender and acceptance. But that surrender and acceptance is so much easier to think about and write about than it is to actually do.

My prayer today is that I can remember, one moment at a time, that there's no need for my control, no hope or peace in it. There is only peace and harmony in gentle surrender to the God of my understanding. I don't have to know what it looks like or have God all figured out ... I simply have to let go. Just place whatever I need to hold on to in God's hands and let go.

I can accept that it's natural for this need for control to come up when I am stressed. I don't have to resent it. I can simply recognize it as part of a disease that I have been living with all my life and will continue to live with into the future. I will never be rid of the "stinkin' thinkin'" completely. It will try to use old coping mechanisms to help me get through tough times. But I pray that I continue to seek a more gentle path.


Inspiration said...

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Every moment, thank God.

Bubbles said...

Yes, I think surrendering, even in grief and pain, is hard. It's hard to let go and submissive to a higher power. I think that's when the real healing begins. But, it's so hard to get there, and even when we do sometimes we get tossed backwards. Life is cruel that way...keep up the fight my friend

Bryan Chambers said...

I often read your posts but rarely comment, I just wanted to say thank you for what you do.

Ben said...

I have just published a book called the sex god - No Mud No Lotus. You may find it a therapeutic read... it provides answers for men and women.



Viktor said...

In my opinion, in all types of addiction, from alcohol addiction to drug addiction to love addiction, the main problem is that the person always feel that he or she is not in control. I guess, if one could only learn to fully trust him/herself and trust God, there's no way to be afraid of might losing control.