Responsibility

I said to myself today:

You must begin to get to work on time. You must take your job responsibilities seriously. You must stop making excuses for not doing what needs to be done. You are being paid a salary. You need to have something to show for that.

You are getting your life in order, you are not lazy, you are not inefficient, you are not irresponsible. As a healthy person, you have to begin to demonstrate that.

You have no excuses -- at least not legitimate ones.

Prayer for today

Dear Lord who lives in us all, thank you for this day, for another day to live and survive. A day to thrive. I pray for all people on the roads this morning, Lord, that they will be safe in the heavy rains and wind. I pray especially for my husband's safety.

I pray Lord that in my life today your will will be done. You have already given me some good lessons this morning as I have read the posts of my fellow sex addicts. Perhaps today will bring temptations, or anger. I never know what each day will bring, but I pray for the strength to endure it, and for the resolve to understand that all things happen as part of a broader plan. If I must suffer so that another can live free of pain, if I must be angry so another can be happy, let me accept that as part of my contribution to humanity.

I thank you, Lord, that my relationship with you -- with the spirit that I realize moves in all of us -- has become greater. That I now realize that I am one part of a mighty and awesome God that lives in all of us and breathes life into us each day.

I pray for comfort in the hearts of my friends J. and K. as they suffer the burden of the loss of their child to miscarriage. Comfort them, Lord and hold them close to you.

I pray Lord for direction in my life, that I will find the proper path to take in terms of my career, and pursuing my ambitions. I ask for faith in myself and in you.

I pray most fervently that I will turn all things over to you, Lord, the spirit that lives in us all, and know that you will lead the way to a brighter tomorrow, as I live through this one day you have give me.

Living my life, one day at a time, by the grace of the living spirit that flows through us all.

Amen.

A powerful revelation

It just occurred to me after considering W.'s situation when his wife went out of town, a situation I have been in myself, where I am so excited to have the "opportunity" to act out, that this was the same feeling my father had when my mother would leave and my sister would be gone and he would have me in the house to himself.

Wow, what a powerful revelation. So powerful in fact, I don't know what to say or think. One thought that crosses through my mind, as my stomach comes up into my throat is, "I am just as sick as he was." I know it's not true -- I haven't taken advantage of innocent children. But still, the similarities are too close for comfort.

I ask for blessings for us all, especially those of us who lived through incest.

Promises of the program

* We will regain control of our lives
* We will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
* The loneliness will subside and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
* We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
* In the company of family and friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
* We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
* Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
* We will love and accept ourselves.
* We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
* We will extend ourselves for the purpose of nurturing our own or another's apiritual growth.
* We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have hurt.
* We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken away, and what has been left behind.

I like the last one and the seventh one best.

Taking steps

This morning I went to my first SA meeting, which was a step in the right direction. I needed the extra support and found some there, even though they spent a few minutes bashing my other program. One thing I walked away from was a reading in their "big book" about not telling your spouse about your problem right away. I also walked away knowing that I was glad I found my group first, because this program is way too vigorous on the religion and abstinence side. Had I enrolled in it right away I know I would not have come as far as I have. I would have walked away. I wouldn't have been able to stomach it and buy into it.

I came home and wrote a final goodbye letter to G. None of it felt "normal," but I felt compelled. Now, I have to get used to it. Used to the idea that I really am not going to have anyone to reach out to when my addiction starts to crave and want. It stings a little bit. I don't feel good about it. But I know I will at some point. I have to get used to the idea that I have to focus on one thing now and that is me and my recovery. I have to start working through the program more diligently.

Every step I take in this process I feel like I'm peeling back one more layer of the onion -- finding out more about me, and getting comfortable with the feeling of "exposed skin."

I feel odd ... out of sorts. I think it must be the letter I wrote. Or maybe it's I'm feeling in limbo. I'm now thinking of quitting my job and living abroad for some time. A few steps to make plans for that trip abroad have already been made. Previously when I've needed to turn to something in these stressful situations, I've turned to sex. That's that last place I can turn now. I need to focus on my work, but I"m still unable.

I can see strides I've made, but I still need to work on my goals of leading a decluttered lifestyle and focusing on the responsibilities of my work. I kinda feel like I'm going to vomit.

One other thing I took from this morning's meeting what something that one of the members of the group said. He said that early on he had trouble picking up the phone to call someone else in the program, but soon realized that his reasons had something to do with his continual avoidance of intimacy. Tonight I have dinner with a friend, I know it will be awkward, because I don't feel comfortable with people anymore. I have given up my feeling of complete comfort with others for sexual escapade after sexual escapade that wasn't worth shit.

I'm getting better not worse, and I refuse to wallow around in self-pity though. I will work to have a good time tonight and to begin to reach out to others. I pray to God for the strength and the clarity tomorrow to focus on my work. I pray for my heart to be opened to opportunity to hear and to be heard and to love, as love was intended.

Morning Prayer -- Jan. 7, 2005

Thank you, Spirit of us All, that I woke up this morning with the foresight and the enthusiasm to clear the clutter from my home. I know that throughout the weekend, that will inspire me to rid my life and my home of even more clutter. It's a great feeling to be alive today, and I thank you Lord for that. Thank you for this new day to live and experience life, and learn, and interact with others who are going through the same process.

I know I'm in a much better place now than where I was even last week. And when I consider where I was last month, I know that by recognizing my powerlessness, acknowledging your presence in me as it flows through all of us, and allowing you to work through me, I am going to make it out of all this a much stronger person.

Today marks the 34th day since I have had sex outside my marriage. I could never imagined that I could ever go a week without finding someone to "act out" with. I have had some near misses and I thank you, oh so much, for intervening. I pray that you will help me not "flirt" with disaster like that again. I never want to feel, "Oh, God will bail me out." I know that I am responsible for my decisions and that if I simply work on making myself stronger rather than spending my time developing ways to avoid trouble, my life will be better. I must remember to focus on the positive aspects of what this experience and this disease has taught me; and one of the most positive things it has taught me is that I am worthy of a true and wonderful life. Wow! What an amazing revelation. Day by day, literally, I have been willing to consider myself powerless against the disease, and with your gentle voice you have guided me through that. I pray that voice will continue to guide me as I continue to work toward becoming whole.

I pray to you, dear Spirit, for your blessings today. Use me as an instrument to help others, and raise me above the distinctions and differences that confuse me and make me weak. Because you live through me, I can be strong. I pray for your will in my life today, Lord. Today and always thankful. Amen.

Something I must remember

"Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."--Erica Jong
There was a time when we didn't believe we had any talents. We couldn't imagine we had any purpose or any gift to give to the world. But it's true: We all have talents, many of them. If we each haven't yet discovered ours, we soon will. With time and the Steps and friends, we will be encouraged to recognize them, to celebrate them, to cultivate them, to dare to give the away.
Utilizing our talents fully, which is part of life's bigger plan, may lead us to new jobs, new friends, to places presently unknown. The prospect of new horizons may excite us. It may also elicit dread. We can trust that, just as we are given no problems too big to handle, we are given no talents too great to develop. The strength to move ahead will always be available if we have faith. And the progress offers us faith.
I will look for my talents today. I will also look for talents in my friends. I can celebrate them, and soon the way to use them will become clear.

Happy Day after Christmas

This is a note I sent to my support group this morning.

Today is a new day. And isn't it wonderful? God has blessed us all with a brand new day of opportunity.
We could wake up and say... "another sh*tty day in paradise" or we can say, "I'm alive and I'm working to get to know myself better and overcome the obstacles in my lifeand I'm happy to have that opportunity."
I choose to say the latter.
For those of you who had a grand day yesterday. I'm glad. I join you. We had a group of about 40 people from non-Christian faiths over for a traditional Christmas meal. We celebrated all the traditions -- eating too much, opening gifts, and enjoying one another's company. Today I have the "wonderful opportunity" to clean up. LOL
For those of you who had a bad day, a hard day, I can empathize. I was the lone Christian in a room of 40 chattering people, my family is 600 miles away, and they wouldn't have really gotten together anyway. My dear mother has been dead for 12 years now, her mother, my dear grandmother dead for 13. I miss their presence in my life and I miss the congruity they brought to our family -- a congruity that is now gone. I feel only individual closeness with individual members of my family. And with some, I offer only obligatory love. With myself, I'm still working on becoming comfortable.
Yet, today is a new day. It will likely present its challenges to all of us. It's amazing the little ways this addiction likes to creep into our minds. But today will also present us with opportunities for growth. I choose to focus on those ... just for today.

A suggestion

Someone on one of the list servs I belong to said a therapist had asked her to write a letter to herself from God. This seems like such a good challenge. I think it is one I'll undertake.

Not counting days anymore

2004 is almost over. Wow! What a year. I can't believe all that has transpired and how my life has changed. I guess we read a lot about how people go from top successes to beggars on the street. I certainly have learned that addiction can kill a person and rob them of everything good in their lives. I am one of the lucky ones who recognized it right away and was not afraid to say, "I need help."

I took a step yesterday toward further healing after feeling for some time that I've just be sort of floating. I asked someone to be my "temporary" sponsor in the SLAA program. He agreed and I think this will be good. I know I will have to look for a permanent sponsor, but for now, I can at least know that I have someone to depend on, and someone to whom I should rely. Even though I know that I have gotten better since I first started seeing a therapist, and then since I first started going to support group, I still always feel the sting of setbacks and want to move past all this to a state of peace and sanity. Of course, I know it's not easy and I have to be patient.

The first thing my sponsor asked me to begin working on was Step 3, which reads "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God." Well, I'm Miss Control Freak and this is a biggie. I guess even the first two steps were big too. Those are:
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

But this third one will be the challenge. For one thing I'm not doing a very good job of praying ... and if I don't talk to God, then I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to be in tune with his will for my life.

I'm still "dabbling" around more than I should. I talked to G. this morning online and didn't exactly say, "I'm never going to see you again." I didn't cross my bottom line of "making plans," but I also didn't hint that there would never be another plan. Why? What was I feeling? These are the questions I have to stop and ask myself. It feels good to flirt, to be wanted for a little while. But then I go through periods of obsessing that are far from worth it. And this is where I have trouble "letting go" -- is God really going to let me keep doing this to myself? Doesn't he want me to make some effort to try and control my actions? I feel responsible for my own actions. God has supplied me with the knowledge I need to make wiser choices ... then I don't use that knowledge. I just get sucked in by the addiction. This seems like such a cop out.

Farewell to a potential lover

This is an e-mail to a man I've never met, but have exchanged e-mails with. The letter I wrote to a man that I was starting my third trainwreck bound relationship with was much worse. The only thing I think I lied about here was when I said that not getting to see each other would have been a great source of tension. The truth is, if we didn't get to see each other often, I'd surely be fucking someone else as well. That's the addiction and how it works. Ugly, but true.

---
I've been waiting for a time in my "busy" schedule so that I could sit down and write you a long letter, addressing all the things you've shared with me and how they've resonated with me, or how I've been interested in them. But, that time has not come yet. I know that you are patient, and I don't have to rush ... but there's another reason I felt it was important to write to you today rather than wait forever for my schedule to clear. Honesty.
I have not been dishonest up to this point ... don't worry. I am a woman, and I do have two legs and 10 fingers and toes and I am married. However, during the time that we have started our conversation with one another, some things have changed in my life, some realizations have come. I want to be honest with you about those.
I started looking for a lover in early 2004 because I felt a void of intimacy and connectedness at home with my husband. I thought I was really reaching out to fill that void with a no-strings attached relationship. Over the course of the time, as I did look, I had brief 'relationships' with two men, and met a few others. Both relationships were extremely painful, because my psyche somehow could not feel a long-term sexual attraction with a man, without the idea that there was some fundamental "caring" underneath. With the first guy, I simply allowed myself to care too much and with the second guy I believed a bunch of bullshit about how much he cared and how committed he was to me and to what we were pursuing together, only to learn that he had at least two other women (that I knew of) being played at the same time. The worst hurt of that was that I felt like such a fool.
That second relationship ended not long before you and I started talking and I think I "jumped" right out there to start looking for someone else to "medicate" the pain of that broken relationship and moreso my broken heart and spirit. As I've taken time to evaluate and question myself, however, I have come to the further realization that neither of these men, nor any of the men who made me feel wanted for a few hours, has filled any void in my life. They have only served to create greater voids, rip apart my self-esteem and forced me to look myself in the mirror and ask "Why are you doing this?" The answer comes back ... escape ... time and time again.
I am not ever going to solve a problem by running away from it. I am not going to relieve the hurt and loneliness in my marriage by running away from it. I'm only going to create a new hurt, and a new secret, and a further distance. I could go deeper than this, but I'll spare you that.
So, all this said. I am sorry that I didn't put my shit together before I even started talking to you. Frankly I don't know that our timing would have ever allowed us to see each other, and if things progressed that could have become a source of great tension between us. But, that aside, I came into the conversation, emotionally unprepared to start it. For that, I am sorry.
What does all this mean? I guess it means that I feel better being completely honest and telling you that I am not planning to continue to pursue an extramarital affair, but rather try to either deal with the problems in my marriage or excuse myself from it and start all over. I am nowhere near close to making that decision. I have to become emotionally prepared and grounded before we get there. BUT, I have immensely enjoyed (although I haven't done much contributing of late) our exchange of thoughts. If you are willing, I'd like to remain friends, open to discussing any and all things. If you are pissed and feel that I've allowed you to waste your time, I am very sorry and don't blame you in the least. And we part with me saying, it truly has been great having these exchanges with you.
Those are my thoughts. What are yours? Feel free to yell.

Day 7

As I count the days that I'm not chatting with men, making plans for trysts ... I realize that my sobriety is far from near. This morning I wrote to G. because I just had to explain WHY I stopped seeing him. I continue to check messages on Messenger, hoping for something. Even today I sent a "How are you?" message to someone I had a fling with -- rationalizing to myself that I really just wanted to know he was OK. That it was all about friendships. I'm checking my e-mail incessantly, I'm wrapped up in my thoughts. In my obsession, I continue to open doors.

One of the people on the SLAA list serv wrote today: "I know how it is when you feel lost and not know what to do next....feeling little and mainly drifting in the mind. This is also a form of acting out, or actually acting "in" since we escape being present by getting stuck in our own heads with obsessive thinking." I identified with this so much. Feeling lost, numb, unsure of where to go.

Listening to 70s and 80s music today. That's been nice. Boss is driving me insane, I think that's one of my biggest problems. He infuriates me and I let him. We are like one huge dysfunctional family in this office. I feel so negative. I want to laugh.

Feeling good

I'm not feeling good in my addiction ... struggling like hell, trying to make Day 6 completely sober. But I'm feeling good blogging again.

Maybe one day I'll write about something more interesting than my stinking addiction.

Thanks to Kim and Gus for your comments.

Still struggling

It's been almost two months since I've written here. For five days I have been "sober" from chatting online with men who might be potential sex partners. I am in therapy still and have started within the last month going to SLAA (sex and love addicts anon) meetings. The meetings have been helpful, as have been the online support groups.

But tonight I sit here ... uncertain what to do. I live my life with my head inside this addiction. There are a million things to do, but I can't seem to find one of them satisfactory.

I'm faced with two dilemmas. One is that after I've declared myself sober, I have an e-mail (not a chat message) from someone who is asking if I'd be interested in a fmf adventure. The addict in me says, "Hell yeah!" The recovering addict in me says run like the wind, you don't owe him anything. The second dilemma is that there is a small part of me that wants to call G., the guy who is the lover I picked up half-heartedly after things went to hell with J. Yeah, big surprise that that happened, huh?

I can't help but wonder what J. is thinking. I just suddenly stopped typing to him last week. I sent one message on Thursday morning and haven't written a word to him since. He's out of my life .... but I'll not say for good, because I don't feel that strong yet. I feel guilty about G. and think I should call him and see him and explain. It's worthless, I know.

That's enough for now.

Releasing the sanity

I don't write or read much anymore ... but I know that I need to, because I see myself being trapped by my own insanity. I wake up in the morning with obsessive thoughts of what's going wrong, what's going right. I can't quite get a handle on them. But if I simply do something to take my mind away from it for awhile, I feel calm, in control.

I woke up this morning and couldn't quit thinking of J. and what might be going on with him, how I'm going to handle it if he tells me that he needs a break or worse, that he's done with me. He's been a form of sanity for me for about five months now. NP asked me once, "If he's gone, will you have to replace him?" God I hope not. I want this cycle to end. But I also want him in my life. I obsess over the thought that he might not be there, that he may grow tired, bored, and be ready to move on. Or maybe that I will overwhelm him with my intensity.

Anyway, the point was that I woke up with those thoughts and thought I'd get up and blog them out. But I started reading the NY Times online and then even posted something to my social commentary site. I thought about other things, broader things, things outside this fucked up world that goes on inside my head. I have to find life outside my head.

Saturday morning thinking

I continue to try to convince myself I am no longer an addict of the Internet, of sexual chat -- that I am simply a woman living a promiscous life and exploring her sexuality, finding refuge from her marriage, which she's not sure is lastable.

But as I just read over some very thoughtful commentary I wrote about a year ago ... I know that my mind continues to be overwhelmed with thoughts of the Internet, my chat partners, my sex partner. I see one step continuing to lead to another. (Even as I just typed, I signed on to my messenger service to make sure none of my contacts were on.) Yesterday I participated with J. in our first foursome. There is already a plan for a possible orgy.

Of course, I have no idea how J. feels about the experience because we didn't get a chance to talk and it's driving me crazy.

Writing here

I am tempted to write a note to J. ... but I'll write here to save him the burden.

I feel another of my spells coming on ... not exactly one of those spells where I sign off the Internet and tell him I'm walking away forever. But one almost equally as desparate. I have allowed myself to get close to him, and as he and I have begun to look for couples together it has again exacerbated my addiction to the Internet. When I'm not talking to him, I'm searching for new people for him and I to talk to. I told him on Friday that due to work pressure I needed to take a break ... he said he understood. But underneath it all I know that I feel desparate... that I will lose him and that if I lose him ... I'll lose control again. Already I have cheated on him ... as recently as yesterday morning. I worry that he is cheating on me too ... but what can I blame him. I just wish we could be honest. But we can't. Because he can't control his jealousy. He wants me to be his and his alone. But at the same time he doesn't trust me. I already have a husband who doesn't trust me. But then I look at myself and think why would anyone trust me... I don't even trust myself.

That's enough for now. I just needed to vent. I wonder when the lies will end. I wonder when my relationship with J. will end. Why it will end? How it will end? My relationship with E. just ended ... no goodbye, no nothing. Just over. And, it never meant anything to him to begin with. I want to matter to someone. I know, I know ... I need to matter to myself.

Sometimes I say in my head ... "I love you." I have no idea who I'm saying it to ... or who I'm wishing were saying it to me. I know that I just wish the words were being said. Maybe I am a love addict.

I need to take a shower.

After a long time

I'm posting something here after a month ... it seems like after a year. I still struggle every day and some days I just want to scream, as I cannot seem to rid my need for Internet chat and the men I meet here. I had at least narrowed it down to one person ... then E. shows up again, asking if we can help each other with our addiction. Oh yeah, he's really interested in me helping him with that. But who can blame him. I have to learn to ask for what I want... not give in to what someone else wants.

That's enough.

Parallel Lives

There's something I am thinking, but I don't think I'll be able to think it all the way through, unless I write.

In his book, "My Life," former President Clinton writes about how living "parallel lives" has affected him. As a child, he was the son of an abusive stepfather, even saw a bullet being shot at him and his mother.  His stepfather drank too much and was not nice to him or his mother when he did. Still, the young boy Clinton, continued to go to school with a smile on his face, hiding this private torture, which is far more extensive than I’ve described it here, from his friends and community.  He felt less of a person because of that part of his life, so he didn’t choose to make it a part of his “public” life.  As time passed on, the world came to know about the parallel life he lived as an adult, as a womanizer and adulterer, most admittedly with Monica Lewinsky. But it wasn’t until the world came to know his secret that he admitted to himself, through intense counseling sessions, that he had chosen to live these parallel lives as an escape mechanism. It was the tool he learned to use.

As I heard him read his book via audiobook, and heard what he had to say, I knew that what afflicted such an amazing politician and charismatic person was the same thing that afflicts me.  I know that I am working toward “fixing” those problems … but I feel far from overcoming them. As a child I was sexually abused, my father drank, we were poor, I wore yard sale clothes, I hid all of this from the kids at school, and became an academic achiever, later going to college, hiding there behind hot checks and credit problems. I carried that into my adult life where I developed my addiction to the Internet and to sex first in 1995. Somehow after I got married, I was able to live what seems like in hindsight a fairly normal life, but I’m supposing that I somehow lived a parallel life at that time too. I’ve certainly held on to BV all these years and think I always will. Or maybe I’m afraid that by getting better, I’ll have to admit to myself that I have to let him go. He has been my promise of true love all these years … an untouchable one, but there and a very real feeling inside me.  Someone to excite me, and to love me and hold me close, if only in his heart, when I needed to be held. At times, I’ve felt he was my survival tool.  Him, this man I’ve never met, never touched, but loved in a way that is very real. And now again, my addictions have returned, covering the feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, isolation, loneliness. I’m not dealing with those things – why should I, I can live another life?

Even one of the members of the Internet addiction support group I belong to online asked that question … is it possible that you’ve always kept a secret life and you think that you have to continue to do that?

And as I look at everything I have just written I see parts of it that I can tell to some people, but realize that there is nothing that I will ever feel comfortable telling to all people. I am afraid of rejection, afraid I will be left with nothing and no one, in shame and complete disgrace.

As I go through counseling and read what I have read on co-dependence and self-esteem issues. I know that the first person who has to accept that this is who I am, is me. For my life to come together, I have to be willing to see all of that, and know it is me, and find a way to love the person that is hidden underneath all that.  It sounds like a far away dream … like, “Oh yeah, right! As if I’ll ever reconcile all this in a lifetime.” Yet, it feels obtainable too.

Sort of a weird aspect to all this is that as I feel myself beginning to feel, I feel less and less inclined to write here, in this blog of “Rae’s Confessions.” In my “real” life,  I am not Rae, and I have nothing to confess. In my “secret” life, I am willing to tell the world about the men whom I have met through the Internet and just what I have done with them. I’m not willing to share with that same audience the person who is healing and becoming stronger, even if not as quickly as she’d like. She’ll come back and write notes to her past lovers, but never one to herself, her whole self.

I wonder if Rae and I will ever meet?

 

A note

If I were writing a note to E. today -- which I am not, because I have to not do that -- it would say:

Dear E.,

I am longing for you today, for a conversation with you, to know how you are doing, for a taste of the sweet nectar that you provide (and not the kind you're thinking about either).  That nectar of feeling connected, of being understood, of being wanted. I don't know why today. I don't know why any day. I keep thinking I'll stop looking for the e-mail, stop hoping for the call. But every day, the longing is still there. I don't know if it's about you or about me ... all I know is it's too real and that as we've said a million times, I've only added to the problem that I set out to fix. I feel sick and lost and unable to pull myself together. I know you don't feel the same. You are most likely glad to be rid of me. I doubt that you've given up your Internet addiction. I'm guessing that you are chatting every day. I hope not as much as me, or not as much as before. But I know from personal experience how hard it is to break free. I haven't broken free either. The only problem is, I left part of my heart with you.  You asked me not to give it, but then took it, and now I can't get it back. I think I'd rather hate you than this. But I don't ... and that leaves me here ... in pergatory. I should have known better. But I didn't. That's the story of life, right?